Heather Steans Illegal Campaign Tactics Acceptable For Right Thinking Bloggers

The recent flap over State Senate candidate, Heather Steans, illegal placement of propaganda signs on the public park ways has created confusion among some of the more stupid residents of Rogers Park. I am going to educate you on right and wrong. A few cowardly idiots have written to the Broken Liver to tell me that what Heather Steans (aka Joe NoMooreFoieGras's chamber maid) is no different in principle than what I do when I paste flyers for my blogs on neighborhood light poles and mail boxes. A few dorks have tried to tell me that this is defacement of public property and is not only illegal but bad. You are wrong!

By telling all of you what a horrific slum you live in with my hysterical, sensationalistic blogs I perform a valuable public service. That makes me exempt from the law. Heather Steans does not. She has been endorsed by Joe NoMooreFoieGras and is there for evil and anything she does is not a public service. Therefore she must obey the law. How simple is that? If you don't understand this principle you must not be reading the neighborhood blogs closely enough.

The same principle applies to poo on the public parkways. Tomblogger Eastgard doesn't clean up the shit from his vicious pit bull and that is flat out wrong but when Shrill Morton took a massive dump on Joe NoMooreFoieGras's front steps and then photographed it as his entry in an art show that is totally admirable. The formula is simple. Eastgard Bad. NoMooreFoieGras Bad. Shrill Morton Good. Me THE BEST!!!!

60 Degrees And Where Are The Lifeguards?

It's 60 degrees this January morning and me and my BFF, Tomblogger Womannis, want to know why there are no lifeguards on the beaches of Rogers Park. Where are they Joe? People might want to enjoy the warm weather with a refreshing swim and there's no one around to stop them. You're not doing your job Joe. You're the Alderman of the 49th WARD. See the word WARD -- that's the same word used to describe children being taken care of by a guardian. See Joe -- we in Rogers Park are just like children and it's your job to take care of us.

Sleazy Purveyor Of Gay Pornography Finds Social Respectability

Yes, I am talking about myself. You all know me as Rogers Park's most intelligent, influential, respected and widely read blogger but in Conservative American until a few days ago I was nothing but the publisher of that notorious advertising vehicle for prostitutes, Hey Chicago magazine, and as a vendor of gay pornography. I would have remained that way had local ambulance chaser Jay Grodner not keyed the shinny black BMW of heroic marine Sergeant Mike McNulty but he did. It seems Fat Ambulance Chaser Jay Grodner lacks proper appreciation for the heroism of our brave men in uniform. Insults were exchanged, police were called, complaints were made and court dates were set. This all would have been the minor matter of a street side dust up had Hero Sergeant McNulty not seen fit to do what he did which is go to the blogs.

Sergeant McNulty, one of our great American Heros, who hasn't managed to defeat the Taliban, find any of Iraq's purported weapons of mass destruction or capture Osama Bin Forgotten but who has bashed plenty of Hadjis and Dune Coons and struck heroic poses for the Fox News cameras ran whinning to the right wing blogs who were quick to spread his story. As soon as I got word of this I was hard at work on my other blog. I was telling everyone what a scum bag ambulance chaser Jay Grodner was. I was insinuating that it was Alderman NoMooreFoieGras's opposition to the invasion of Iraq that moved Jay Grodner to key Hero Sergeant McNulty's car. I was busy posting Jay Grodner's nudie pics and Internet sex ad (next time solicit for sex on the back pages of Hey Chicago magazine -- I promise I will keep it quiet). I was busy telling all my loyal toadies that the Alderman is responsible for everything that goes on in his ward. I've got no idea who Fat Naked Ambulance Chaser voted for in the last election or even if he voted at all but can you imagine people like Jostle_Lynn, Stinkjar or ProArtillary giving a shit? They never question anything I have to say. Anyway, I am being perfectly reasonable. One of our Anti-war Alderman's constituents damages a military man's vehicle. Jay Grodner, living in a ward under the control of Joe NoMooreFoieGras, a known anti-military politician, defaces a military mans vehicle. Is this what all military personal can expect when venturing into Joe NoMooreFoieGras country? Has Joe NoMooreFoieGras created a hate in Rogers Park towards military personal? You can be sure he has.

Anyway, the upshot of this is FreeRepublic.com (a bastion of hate directed at the sexual orientation of the readers of my Hey Chicago magazine) and assorted right wing blogs have picked up on my blog and I am famous and adored. After years of being bashed for running a business that caters to the sexual tastes of homosexuals I've got respect I deserve.

Sergeant McNulty -- you are a true American hero. If you want to strike a really heroic pose I would be happy to photograph you wearing nothing but your dog tags and USMC tattoos for the centerfold of my Hey Chicago magazine. It's a fabulous chance to be featured in the most widely read alternative lifestyles magazine in Rogers Park. How can you resist?

Jostle_Lynn Is A Classy Chick

I was going to give you all a special surprise. I was going to tell all of you about a new health center that is scheduled to open in Rogers Park. I know none of you have hear of this because you get all your news from my blogs which are the only source of information you'll ever need. Some stupid loser named Blog Pants had the nerve to go and ruin the surprise by saying that people have been talking about this since way back in September and its even been in the News-Star and RP2000. Big deal Blog Pants. None of my readers waste their time with that crap. Blog Pants has been put in his place. Look at the classy way in which uber-toady Jostle_Lynn did it:

"I bet poopypants was the one who spolied Santa Claus for all his friends in grammar school too."

Everyone reading this blog needs to take a lesson from Jostle_Lynn. This is the way to interact with your neighbors. This is how you improve your community. This is how you show your intelligence.

Broken Liver Exclusive: Ol' Blues Ginderske Reentering Politics

I expect most of you scandal mongers came here to witness more of Womannis and Eastgard flinging pit bull poo at one another but you're going to be disappointed. We here at the Broken Liver are all about serious journalism and that is what you're going to get. Politics is the meat and potatos of serious journalism and it's time for a little neighborhood politics.

I just got off the phone with honeymooning uber-toady Jostle_Lynn and she had some interesting news which is exclusive to the Broken Liver. If you follow my blogs as closely as you should you will recall that Jostle_Lynn wanted failed, but hunky, aldermanic candidate James Ginderske to dance at her bachlorette party. Well getting the brawny former union electrician was no problem as he's been a bit short of work ever since I did in his aldermanic campaign with my highly effective attack blogging. "Ol' Blue Eyes" showed up as Jostle_Lynn's bachlorette party in his union worker gear and started to perform a standard bump, grind and strip routine. He starts to get close to doing the fully monty. He rips off his tear away jeans to reveal little bikini underpants. Written on the pouch (which according to Jostle_Lynn provided ample advertising area) is the slogan "Ginderske For State Senate".

Yes! This is how "Ol' Blue Eyes" choose to announce his candidacy for the seat of departing state senator Carol Ronen. What a classy guy. No wonder no one voted for him for alderman. Many questions remain. How much power will Joey have in the state senate with his front boy sitting there? Will "Ol' Blue Eyes" show this blogger the deference which he deserves? How much involvement will my rival blogger and archenemy, Tomblogger Eastgard, have in his new campaign? Will Ginderske continue to campaign entirely by doing bachlorette parties or will he make an effort to reach a wider section of the community? Will my new BFF, Tomblogger Womannis, be disloyal and leave my side to return to the Ginderske camp? Will a new Ginderske campaign bring about a reconcillation between former campaign co-workers and now bitter enemies Tomblogger Eastgard and Tomblogger Womannis? Stay tuned to the pages of the Broken Liver in the coming weeks to find out the answers to these and other important questions.

Poop Scoop Updated Scoop

Ol' Eastie has been feeling a bit smug for the last few days. He thinks the pit bull poo has hit the fan and none of it has landed on him. He thinks he's Mr. Scott Free because Womannis has pictures of his pit bull taking a dump but no solid evidence that he walked away without scooping the poop. Well, it seems my archenemy and rival blogger didn't count on the dedication and commitment of Rogers Park's elite corp of bloggers. I've been keeping this a secret for the last couple of days because we had some research to do but we've got the goods on Tommyblogger.

Like I told you earlier, I put Womannis on Tommyblogger's tail this weekend. Womannis was a diligent spy. He didn't leave Tommyblogger's trail, not even for one second. He followed him anywhere he went. He spied through Tommyblogger's windows. Womannis now knows everything about Tommyblogger. He can even tell you the number of hairs Tommyblogger has on his ass. The 'Broken Liver' just might sponsor a contest.

One of the things we learned about Tommyblogger is that he's to PC to lock his door. He thinks doing so would be a sign of racial prejudice. He thinks if he did so he'd be saying all the little hoodlets lurking around his building are there to rob him as soon as he leaves. So, what Womannis did is wait until Tommyblogger left to spy on Sandy Duncan's "Ho Ho Ho -- Get the Ho's Off Howard" Christmas time rally. No doubt Tommyblogger was trying to spin this into some Vote For Don Gordon Nuremberg Rally. Womannis sneaks into Tommyblogger's apartment and spikes his pit bull food with a special chemical which we would later be able to detect in the dog's shit. We waited a day and went out into the filthy streets of Rogers Park collecting every dog turd we could find. Each sample was carefully tagged with a time and location. We spend two days doing this. We shoveled them into a large trash cart and brought them all back to my place.

Here's where the real work began. We had to wait until the frozen turds thawed before we could test them. Once thawed, we employed our special chemical process to find the one's that showed traces of the chemical that Womannis had placed in "Eastie's" pit bull food. Success happened quickly. No less than 43% of the shit sampled was found to have come from Tommyblogger's dog. Not only does Tommyblogger never clean up after his dog but let me tell you, that dog has some serious intestinal issues.

So Tommyblogger, no use trying to deny it. We've got irrefutable proof that you don't scoop your poop. I've got all the samples tagged and bagged and sitting in my freezer. I'm keeping them for future use. You just wait till the next Rogers Park Aldermanic election. This shit will really start flying.

Blognotes: Take a lesson from this. Anyone who stays in the Rogers Park blogosphere long enough ends up covered in shit.

Poop Scoop Scofflaw Outrages Rogers Park Residents

Every decent and sane person in Rogers Park is outraged by the activities of Poop Scoop Scofflaw, Tomblogger Eastgard. The internet almost crashed under the weight of outrage directed at Tommyblogger. Here's a few things people had to say.

Sandy Duncan wrote:
"So it's justifiable for storefront [Tomblogger Eastgard] to lurk (not participate) at neighborhood walks and give his skewed perceptions and sling his tirade of racist labels at people? More of the old 'do as I say but not as I do' mentality. That twit must think he's Tomblogger Womannis who heroically lurks around "peace" demonstrations in front of the Heartland Cafe and calls the fire department to extinguish their candle light vigils. Well Tommyblogger, you are not Womannis so its not acceptable! (If I was there you would see me shaking my finger at you)"

Jostle_Lynn wrote:
"Well, what have you got to say for yourself, you scofflaw? Don't tell me that Womannis is lying and you really did scoop your poop. A picture of your dog taking a dump is all the proof I require. Tomblogger Womannis is a person of unimpeachable credibility. Forget that incident last year where he stuffed flyers for Braig's 'Broken Liver' blog into the free newspapers and then accused Braig of stealing advertising. Womannis has seen the light, is now totally loyal to Braig and is therefore incapable of uttering anything that is untrue."

Some Alderman NoMooreFoieGras loving twit named Mark Fletcher came onto my other blog to accuse local hero Tomblogger Womannis of being a crazy stalker and to take him to task for not telling "Eastie" to pick up his shit. Look at the classy way that Womannis put that twit in his place:
"You're a real idiot. You asked, 'did Mannis not immediately challenge him? Why did he have to wait to post it on a blog?' In case you couldn't tell, I was across the street. Are you advocating running after people to challenge them to pick up after their dogs? And you have a problem with me posting a photo of a public figure breaking the law? You need to get your priorities straight, bozo."

I bet that stupid twit Fletcher is too stupid to realize that Womannis and Eastgard know each other from when they worked on the Ginderske campaign. Womannis could have easily called out across the street in a neighborly way but he didn't. Womannis has his priorities in the right place and knows that it is way more important to post a picture of Tommyblogger's pit bull taking a dump on his blog and claim it proves "Eastie" doesn't pick up his dog's shit.

Blognotes: Jostle_Lynn is on her honeymoon but is calling me up several times per day to shout "One! Two! Three! Four! Who is it that we adore! Braig! Braig! Braig!" Jostle_Lynn is delighted to be part of a wonderful caring community of bloggers like Sandy Duncan, Tomblogger Womannis and of course me! She thinks everyone else in the vast hell hole of Rogers Park is total scum.