At last and no thanks to Joe NoMooreFoieGras, there will be some joy in the dreary neighborhood of Rogers Park. Our own Jostle_Lynn is getting married. Here is the email I received from her.
"Braig,
I am delighted to be able to tell you that not only are Steve and I officially engaged but I will soon be getting the hell out of the hell that is Rogers Park!
Refusing to have sex with Steve until he agreed to move out of Rogers Park wasn't working. He seemed happy. He had more time to sit in his boxers in front of the tv watching ESPN. I tried other ways of getting the money to move. In a fit of desperation that only a reader of your blogs could understand, I actually posed nude for Katy Hogan's "works of art" that are hanging in the windows of the No Exit Cafe. How could I know it would end up looking like graffiti? How could I know that when she said she'd "pay me what I was worth" she meant two free passes to the 'Roundsteak' show at the Red Line Tap?
Then I got a brilliant idea. Marriage was the key to moving to some place I could call a good neighborhood.
I spiked Steve's dinner with Viagra and put on my best Victoria's Secret. Soon, Steve's boxer shorts were off and in the post-coital bliss he agreed to marry me. How will this get me out of Rogers Park you may ask?
Well, the key is the wedding gifts. I prefer money over goods that I will have to schlep back to Macy's but if I have to do so I will. I am determined to collect enough wedding gifts to put a substantial down payment on a Lincoln Park condo. We're having a HUGE wedding. I've even hired a private detective to track down grade school classmates and hit them up with an invitation.
Steve and I are going to have a fabulous spare no expense wedding, a wonderful sun splashed honeymoon and then, the day we return home, I am tossing the divorce papers in Steve's face and moving to Lincoln Park. In fact, I already have them filled out and ready to go. What judge would deny me the divorce I want in the way I want? If forcing one's spouse to live in a neighborhood like this doesn't constitute cruelty and mental anguish I don't know what does.
I feel so clever,
Love,
Jostle_Lynn"
Blognotes: Yours truly is helping with the all important task of getting the guest list together for what will be the Rogers Park social event of the year -- after the fourth anniversary of my other blog of course. The following people are NOT invited: Tomblogger Eastgard, Joe NoMooreFoieGras, Nathan NoMooreFoieGras, Kelvin O'Neil, Katy Hogan, Michael James, Brattly, Kimberly Bareass, all Hay Chicago employees, David FAGus. James Ginderske is not invited to the wedding but Jostle_Lynn does want him to be at her bachelorette party clad in nothing more than his work boots, hard hat and tool belt. Anyone who pisses me off between now and then wedding will not be invited. You've been warned.
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4 comments:
G.N.O.M.E. Global Nexis of Mayhem Everywhere
Do you really think we will let Jostle_Lynn marry that lout Steve?
I don't think there's anything you gnomes can do. You're not invited to the wedding because I don't like you. You're stuck with satisfying yourself by looking at the drawings of your "Gnome Queen" in the windows of the No Exit Cafe.
G.N.O.M.E. Global Nexis of Mayhem Everywhere
Don't be so sure...
G.N.O.M.E. Global Nexis of Mayhem Everywhere.
You can no longer see the near pornographic pictures of our Gnome Queen Jostle_Lynn in window of that nasty little theatre.
In a very carefully scripted move, the Gnomes hit Tom Womannis in the head with a brick on Wednesday night. We knew this would throw him into one of his periodic rages. While he was still semi-conscious we guided him over to the No Exit Cafe. Tom, taking a risk to his life, threw himself into the plate glass windows repeatedly. [Ok, so we kinda pushed him].
The police were called. The Gnomes, like always, scattered. We left Tom on the sidewalk. By this time he had urinated in his pants and Shrill Morton was there to take pictures. We hope he posts them soon.
In the meantime, we will be vigilant. I hear those hippies have already got the window fixed. If those pictures show up again, it'll be you Braig we will throw through the windows next.
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