Wedding Bells To Ring Out In Rogers Park

At last and no thanks to Joe NoMooreFoieGras, there will be some joy in the dreary neighborhood of Rogers Park. Our own Jostle_Lynn is getting married. Here is the email I received from her.

"Braig,

I am delighted to be able to tell you that not only are Steve and I officially engaged but I will soon be getting the hell out of the hell that is Rogers Park!

Refusing to have sex with Steve until he agreed to move out of Rogers Park wasn't working. He seemed happy. He had more time to sit in his boxers in front of the tv watching ESPN. I tried other ways of getting the money to move. In a fit of desperation that only a reader of your blogs could understand, I actually posed nude for Katy Hogan's "works of art" that are hanging in the windows of the No Exit Cafe. How could I know it would end up looking like graffiti? How could I know that when she said she'd "pay me what I was worth" she meant two free passes to the 'Roundsteak' show at the Red Line Tap?

Then I got a brilliant idea. Marriage was the key to moving to some place I could call a good neighborhood.

I spiked Steve's dinner with Viagra and put on my best Victoria's Secret. Soon, Steve's boxer shorts were off and in the post-coital bliss he agreed to marry me. How will this get me out of Rogers Park you may ask?

Well, the key is the wedding gifts. I prefer money over goods that I will have to schlep back to Macy's but if I have to do so I will. I am determined to collect enough wedding gifts to put a substantial down payment on a Lincoln Park condo. We're having a HUGE wedding. I've even hired a private detective to track down grade school classmates and hit them up with an invitation.

Steve and I are going to have a fabulous spare no expense wedding, a wonderful sun splashed honeymoon and then, the day we return home, I am tossing the divorce papers in Steve's face and moving to Lincoln Park. In fact, I already have them filled out and ready to go. What judge would deny me the divorce I want in the way I want? If forcing one's spouse to live in a neighborhood like this doesn't constitute cruelty and mental anguish I don't know what does.
I feel so clever,

Love,

Jostle_Lynn"


Blognotes: Yours truly is helping with the all important task of getting the guest list together for what will be the Rogers Park social event of the year -- after the fourth anniversary of my other blog of course. The following people are NOT invited: Tomblogger Eastgard, Joe NoMooreFoieGras, Nathan NoMooreFoieGras, Kelvin O'Neil, Katy Hogan, Michael James, Brattly, Kimberly Bareass, all Hay Chicago employees, David FAGus. James Ginderske is not invited to the wedding but Jostle_Lynn does want him to be at her bachelorette party clad in nothing more than his work boots, hard hat and tool belt. Anyone who pisses me off between now and then wedding will not be invited. You've been warned.

Joe NoMooreFoieGras Loyalist Creates Shock And Outrage In Rogers Park

I was busy this morning taking pictures of the Red Line Tap. I want to show my loyal readers what a mess it is so that they all know Rogers Park is the worst slum on earth. I'm hard at work when that nasty tattoo covered, punk rocker, bar tender, "talent" booker Brattly comes out of the bar. He shouts "Hey Braig! If you want to show your readers something show them my new tattoo!" He turns around and drops his pants to reveal my face tattooed on his ass. Brattly gloats "Now I get to fart right in your face."

This is an outrage. The People of Rogers Park have had enough of Brattly's outrageous behavior. This past summer he and his nasty punk band, Roundsteak, took to the stage at the Glenwood Avenue Arts Fest to play an obscene song dedicated to me. It's a good thing that the only people at the poorly attended street fair were myself, failed aldermanic candidate Jim Ginderske (trying to look employed by passing out fliers to the non-existent crowd) and my rival blogger and archenemy, Tomblogger Eastgard (who was busy faking photos showing large crowds). Now Brattly is exposing his tattooed ass to me and dozens of Rogers Park children who were skipping school and hanging out around the Morse Avenue El Station.

I demand that Joe NoMooreFoieGras control his loyal supporter Brattly. I demand that Joey use some of the funds that he's stolen from us over the years to pay for removing the tattoo from Brattly's ass. This will not stand. I have half a mind to put on my pants and go up to Joey's office to give him a piece of my mind.