I was going to give you all a special surprise. I was going to tell all of you about a new health center that is scheduled to open in Rogers Park. I know none of you have hear of this because you get all your news from my blogs which are the only source of information you'll ever need. Some stupid loser named Blog Pants had the nerve to go and ruin the surprise by saying that people have been talking about this since way back in September and its even been in the News-Star and RP2000. Big deal Blog Pants. None of my readers waste their time with that crap. Blog Pants has been put in his place. Look at the classy way in which uber-toady Jostle_Lynn did it:
"I bet poopypants was the one who spolied Santa Claus for all his friends in grammar school too."
Everyone reading this blog needs to take a lesson from Jostle_Lynn. This is the way to interact with your neighbors. This is how you improve your community. This is how you show your intelligence.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Broken Liver Exclusive: Ol' Blues Ginderske Reentering Politics
I expect most of you scandal mongers came here to witness more of Womannis and Eastgard flinging pit bull poo at one another but you're going to be disappointed. We here at the Broken Liver are all about serious journalism and that is what you're going to get. Politics is the meat and potatos of serious journalism and it's time for a little neighborhood politics.
I just got off the phone with honeymooning uber-toady Jostle_Lynn and she had some interesting news which is exclusive to the Broken Liver. If you follow my blogs as closely as you should you will recall that Jostle_Lynn wanted failed, but hunky, aldermanic candidate James Ginderske to dance at her bachlorette party. Well getting the brawny former union electrician was no problem as he's been a bit short of work ever since I did in his aldermanic campaign with my highly effective attack blogging. "Ol' Blue Eyes" showed up as Jostle_Lynn's bachlorette party in his union worker gear and started to perform a standard bump, grind and strip routine. He starts to get close to doing the fully monty. He rips off his tear away jeans to reveal little bikini underpants. Written on the pouch (which according to Jostle_Lynn provided ample advertising area) is the slogan "Ginderske For State Senate".
Yes! This is how "Ol' Blue Eyes" choose to announce his candidacy for the seat of departing state senator Carol Ronen. What a classy guy. No wonder no one voted for him for alderman. Many questions remain. How much power will Joey have in the state senate with his front boy sitting there? Will "Ol' Blue Eyes" show this blogger the deference which he deserves? How much involvement will my rival blogger and archenemy, Tomblogger Eastgard, have in his new campaign? Will Ginderske continue to campaign entirely by doing bachlorette parties or will he make an effort to reach a wider section of the community? Will my new BFF, Tomblogger Womannis, be disloyal and leave my side to return to the Ginderske camp? Will a new Ginderske campaign bring about a reconcillation between former campaign co-workers and now bitter enemies Tomblogger Eastgard and Tomblogger Womannis? Stay tuned to the pages of the Broken Liver in the coming weeks to find out the answers to these and other important questions.
I just got off the phone with honeymooning uber-toady Jostle_Lynn and she had some interesting news which is exclusive to the Broken Liver. If you follow my blogs as closely as you should you will recall that Jostle_Lynn wanted failed, but hunky, aldermanic candidate James Ginderske to dance at her bachlorette party. Well getting the brawny former union electrician was no problem as he's been a bit short of work ever since I did in his aldermanic campaign with my highly effective attack blogging. "Ol' Blue Eyes" showed up as Jostle_Lynn's bachlorette party in his union worker gear and started to perform a standard bump, grind and strip routine. He starts to get close to doing the fully monty. He rips off his tear away jeans to reveal little bikini underpants. Written on the pouch (which according to Jostle_Lynn provided ample advertising area) is the slogan "Ginderske For State Senate".
Yes! This is how "Ol' Blue Eyes" choose to announce his candidacy for the seat of departing state senator Carol Ronen. What a classy guy. No wonder no one voted for him for alderman. Many questions remain. How much power will Joey have in the state senate with his front boy sitting there? Will "Ol' Blue Eyes" show this blogger the deference which he deserves? How much involvement will my rival blogger and archenemy, Tomblogger Eastgard, have in his new campaign? Will Ginderske continue to campaign entirely by doing bachlorette parties or will he make an effort to reach a wider section of the community? Will my new BFF, Tomblogger Womannis, be disloyal and leave my side to return to the Ginderske camp? Will a new Ginderske campaign bring about a reconcillation between former campaign co-workers and now bitter enemies Tomblogger Eastgard and Tomblogger Womannis? Stay tuned to the pages of the Broken Liver in the coming weeks to find out the answers to these and other important questions.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Poop Scoop Updated Scoop
Ol' Eastie has been feeling a bit smug for the last few days. He thinks the pit bull poo has hit the fan and none of it has landed on him. He thinks he's Mr. Scott Free because Womannis has pictures of his pit bull taking a dump but no solid evidence that he walked away without scooping the poop. Well, it seems my archenemy and rival blogger didn't count on the dedication and commitment of Rogers Park's elite corp of bloggers. I've been keeping this a secret for the last couple of days because we had some research to do but we've got the goods on Tommyblogger.
Like I told you earlier, I put Womannis on Tommyblogger's tail this weekend. Womannis was a diligent spy. He didn't leave Tommyblogger's trail, not even for one second. He followed him anywhere he went. He spied through Tommyblogger's windows. Womannis now knows everything about Tommyblogger. He can even tell you the number of hairs Tommyblogger has on his ass. The 'Broken Liver' just might sponsor a contest.
One of the things we learned about Tommyblogger is that he's to PC to lock his door. He thinks doing so would be a sign of racial prejudice. He thinks if he did so he'd be saying all the little hoodlets lurking around his building are there to rob him as soon as he leaves. So, what Womannis did is wait until Tommyblogger left to spy on Sandy Duncan's "Ho Ho Ho -- Get the Ho's Off Howard" Christmas time rally. No doubt Tommyblogger was trying to spin this into some Vote For Don Gordon Nuremberg Rally. Womannis sneaks into Tommyblogger's apartment and spikes his pit bull food with a special chemical which we would later be able to detect in the dog's shit. We waited a day and went out into the filthy streets of Rogers Park collecting every dog turd we could find. Each sample was carefully tagged with a time and location. We spend two days doing this. We shoveled them into a large trash cart and brought them all back to my place.
Here's where the real work began. We had to wait until the frozen turds thawed before we could test them. Once thawed, we employed our special chemical process to find the one's that showed traces of the chemical that Womannis had placed in "Eastie's" pit bull food. Success happened quickly. No less than 43% of the shit sampled was found to have come from Tommyblogger's dog. Not only does Tommyblogger never clean up after his dog but let me tell you, that dog has some serious intestinal issues.
So Tommyblogger, no use trying to deny it. We've got irrefutable proof that you don't scoop your poop. I've got all the samples tagged and bagged and sitting in my freezer. I'm keeping them for future use. You just wait till the next Rogers Park Aldermanic election. This shit will really start flying.
Blognotes: Take a lesson from this. Anyone who stays in the Rogers Park blogosphere long enough ends up covered in shit.
Like I told you earlier, I put Womannis on Tommyblogger's tail this weekend. Womannis was a diligent spy. He didn't leave Tommyblogger's trail, not even for one second. He followed him anywhere he went. He spied through Tommyblogger's windows. Womannis now knows everything about Tommyblogger. He can even tell you the number of hairs Tommyblogger has on his ass. The 'Broken Liver' just might sponsor a contest.
One of the things we learned about Tommyblogger is that he's to PC to lock his door. He thinks doing so would be a sign of racial prejudice. He thinks if he did so he'd be saying all the little hoodlets lurking around his building are there to rob him as soon as he leaves. So, what Womannis did is wait until Tommyblogger left to spy on Sandy Duncan's "Ho Ho Ho -- Get the Ho's Off Howard" Christmas time rally. No doubt Tommyblogger was trying to spin this into some Vote For Don Gordon Nuremberg Rally. Womannis sneaks into Tommyblogger's apartment and spikes his pit bull food with a special chemical which we would later be able to detect in the dog's shit. We waited a day and went out into the filthy streets of Rogers Park collecting every dog turd we could find. Each sample was carefully tagged with a time and location. We spend two days doing this. We shoveled them into a large trash cart and brought them all back to my place.
Here's where the real work began. We had to wait until the frozen turds thawed before we could test them. Once thawed, we employed our special chemical process to find the one's that showed traces of the chemical that Womannis had placed in "Eastie's" pit bull food. Success happened quickly. No less than 43% of the shit sampled was found to have come from Tommyblogger's dog. Not only does Tommyblogger never clean up after his dog but let me tell you, that dog has some serious intestinal issues.
So Tommyblogger, no use trying to deny it. We've got irrefutable proof that you don't scoop your poop. I've got all the samples tagged and bagged and sitting in my freezer. I'm keeping them for future use. You just wait till the next Rogers Park Aldermanic election. This shit will really start flying.
Blognotes: Take a lesson from this. Anyone who stays in the Rogers Park blogosphere long enough ends up covered in shit.
Poop Scoop Scofflaw Outrages Rogers Park Residents
Every decent and sane person in Rogers Park is outraged by the activities of Poop Scoop Scofflaw, Tomblogger Eastgard. The internet almost crashed under the weight of outrage directed at Tommyblogger. Here's a few things people had to say.
Sandy Duncan wrote:
"So it's justifiable for storefront [Tomblogger Eastgard] to lurk (not participate) at neighborhood walks and give his skewed perceptions and sling his tirade of racist labels at people? More of the old 'do as I say but not as I do' mentality. That twit must think he's Tomblogger Womannis who heroically lurks around "peace" demonstrations in front of the Heartland Cafe and calls the fire department to extinguish their candle light vigils. Well Tommyblogger, you are not Womannis so its not acceptable! (If I was there you would see me shaking my finger at you)"
Jostle_Lynn wrote:
"Well, what have you got to say for yourself, you scofflaw? Don't tell me that Womannis is lying and you really did scoop your poop. A picture of your dog taking a dump is all the proof I require. Tomblogger Womannis is a person of unimpeachable credibility. Forget that incident last year where he stuffed flyers for Braig's 'Broken Liver' blog into the free newspapers and then accused Braig of stealing advertising. Womannis has seen the light, is now totally loyal to Braig and is therefore incapable of uttering anything that is untrue."
Some Alderman NoMooreFoieGras loving twit named Mark Fletcher came onto my other blog to accuse local hero Tomblogger Womannis of being a crazy stalker and to take him to task for not telling "Eastie" to pick up his shit. Look at the classy way that Womannis put that twit in his place:
"You're a real idiot. You asked, 'did Mannis not immediately challenge him? Why did he have to wait to post it on a blog?' In case you couldn't tell, I was across the street. Are you advocating running after people to challenge them to pick up after their dogs? And you have a problem with me posting a photo of a public figure breaking the law? You need to get your priorities straight, bozo."
I bet that stupid twit Fletcher is too stupid to realize that Womannis and Eastgard know each other from when they worked on the Ginderske campaign. Womannis could have easily called out across the street in a neighborly way but he didn't. Womannis has his priorities in the right place and knows that it is way more important to post a picture of Tommyblogger's pit bull taking a dump on his blog and claim it proves "Eastie" doesn't pick up his dog's shit.
Blognotes: Jostle_Lynn is on her honeymoon but is calling me up several times per day to shout "One! Two! Three! Four! Who is it that we adore! Braig! Braig! Braig!" Jostle_Lynn is delighted to be part of a wonderful caring community of bloggers like Sandy Duncan, Tomblogger Womannis and of course me! She thinks everyone else in the vast hell hole of Rogers Park is total scum.
Sandy Duncan wrote:
"So it's justifiable for storefront [Tomblogger Eastgard] to lurk (not participate) at neighborhood walks and give his skewed perceptions and sling his tirade of racist labels at people? More of the old 'do as I say but not as I do' mentality. That twit must think he's Tomblogger Womannis who heroically lurks around "peace" demonstrations in front of the Heartland Cafe and calls the fire department to extinguish their candle light vigils. Well Tommyblogger, you are not Womannis so its not acceptable! (If I was there you would see me shaking my finger at you)"
Jostle_Lynn wrote:
"Well, what have you got to say for yourself, you scofflaw? Don't tell me that Womannis is lying and you really did scoop your poop. A picture of your dog taking a dump is all the proof I require. Tomblogger Womannis is a person of unimpeachable credibility. Forget that incident last year where he stuffed flyers for Braig's 'Broken Liver' blog into the free newspapers and then accused Braig of stealing advertising. Womannis has seen the light, is now totally loyal to Braig and is therefore incapable of uttering anything that is untrue."
Some Alderman NoMooreFoieGras loving twit named Mark Fletcher came onto my other blog to accuse local hero Tomblogger Womannis of being a crazy stalker and to take him to task for not telling "Eastie" to pick up his shit. Look at the classy way that Womannis put that twit in his place:
"You're a real idiot. You asked, 'did Mannis not immediately challenge him? Why did he have to wait to post it on a blog?' In case you couldn't tell, I was across the street. Are you advocating running after people to challenge them to pick up after their dogs? And you have a problem with me posting a photo of a public figure breaking the law? You need to get your priorities straight, bozo."
I bet that stupid twit Fletcher is too stupid to realize that Womannis and Eastgard know each other from when they worked on the Ginderske campaign. Womannis could have easily called out across the street in a neighborly way but he didn't. Womannis has his priorities in the right place and knows that it is way more important to post a picture of Tommyblogger's pit bull taking a dump on his blog and claim it proves "Eastie" doesn't pick up his dog's shit.
Blognotes: Jostle_Lynn is on her honeymoon but is calling me up several times per day to shout "One! Two! Three! Four! Who is it that we adore! Braig! Braig! Braig!" Jostle_Lynn is delighted to be part of a wonderful caring community of bloggers like Sandy Duncan, Tomblogger Womannis and of course me! She thinks everyone else in the vast hell hole of Rogers Park is total scum.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Poop On The Parkways
Congratulations to my new BFF, Tomblogger Womannis who was a true hero this weekend.
My archenemy and rival blogger, loser divorced store front ambulance chaser Tomblogger Eastgard, thought we neighborhood bloggers would be a little less vigilant this weekend. He thought that we would all be away this weekend enjoying the Jostle_Lynn's wedding. He didn't count on Womannis.
I knew that "Eastie" would try and pull some shit this weekend so I dispatched my former worst enemy and new best friend to tail The Miserable Storefront Lawyer. Womannis was ultra-vigilant. He skipped Jostle_Lynn's wedding and instead kept after "Eastie" night and day. He followed him to the supermarket and recorded the contents in his shopping basket. He spied through Eastgard's windows. We now know that "Eastie" has hemorrhoids (he was seen purchasing Preparation H), is on the small size in the manhood department, and pees in the shower. Womannis even slept in the snow like a bum in front of Eastgard's doorway. Well, his dedication paid off. On Saturday morning Womannis caught "Eastie" letting his vicious pit bull take a dump on the parkway and not clean it up. He's even got pictures to prove it and posted them on his blog. I now have them on my other blog and you can see them there.
Now, some of you may be inclined to ask a few stupid questions. You may say "How does this prove 'Eastie' didn't pick up the pit bull poo? I see a picture of a defecating pit bull but it doesn't prove that it's owner didn't scoop the poop." You might ask something really idiotic like "I see poop on the parkway so someone is not cleaning up but how do I know it came from Tomblogger's pit bull?" Well, you idiots need to read and learn.
We Rogers Park Rage Bloggers are people of unimpeachable dedication and integrity. Last fall when a riot was tearing up Morse Avenue Womannis ventured into the frey to make one of Joe NoMooreFoieGras's goon squad (aka the Chicago Police Department) look foolish on camera. A couple of months ago when an email which was critical of us local bloggers and which claimed authorship of a fifth rate parody blog arrived in the inboxes of the local bloggers from one "Kelvin O" Womannis immediately "knew" that the message was from none other than Joey's stooge Kelvin O'Neil and quickly published the location and phone number of Kelvin's office so that his readers could harass Kelvin at work. If Womannis says "Eastie" didn't pick up the poop then he didn't pick up the poop.
Tomblogger Eastgard is a crazy psychopath who stalks us bloggers night and day. He reads our blogs at least 40 times an hour. He has no less than 1,536 blogs of his own all of which are dedicated to our activities. What a loser. This man needs to get a life and a pooper scooper.
My archenemy and rival blogger, loser divorced store front ambulance chaser Tomblogger Eastgard, thought we neighborhood bloggers would be a little less vigilant this weekend. He thought that we would all be away this weekend enjoying the Jostle_Lynn's wedding. He didn't count on Womannis.
I knew that "Eastie" would try and pull some shit this weekend so I dispatched my former worst enemy and new best friend to tail The Miserable Storefront Lawyer. Womannis was ultra-vigilant. He skipped Jostle_Lynn's wedding and instead kept after "Eastie" night and day. He followed him to the supermarket and recorded the contents in his shopping basket. He spied through Eastgard's windows. We now know that "Eastie" has hemorrhoids (he was seen purchasing Preparation H), is on the small size in the manhood department, and pees in the shower. Womannis even slept in the snow like a bum in front of Eastgard's doorway. Well, his dedication paid off. On Saturday morning Womannis caught "Eastie" letting his vicious pit bull take a dump on the parkway and not clean it up. He's even got pictures to prove it and posted them on his blog. I now have them on my other blog and you can see them there.
Now, some of you may be inclined to ask a few stupid questions. You may say "How does this prove 'Eastie' didn't pick up the pit bull poo? I see a picture of a defecating pit bull but it doesn't prove that it's owner didn't scoop the poop." You might ask something really idiotic like "I see poop on the parkway so someone is not cleaning up but how do I know it came from Tomblogger's pit bull?" Well, you idiots need to read and learn.
We Rogers Park Rage Bloggers are people of unimpeachable dedication and integrity. Last fall when a riot was tearing up Morse Avenue Womannis ventured into the frey to make one of Joe NoMooreFoieGras's goon squad (aka the Chicago Police Department) look foolish on camera. A couple of months ago when an email which was critical of us local bloggers and which claimed authorship of a fifth rate parody blog arrived in the inboxes of the local bloggers from one "Kelvin O" Womannis immediately "knew" that the message was from none other than Joey's stooge Kelvin O'Neil and quickly published the location and phone number of Kelvin's office so that his readers could harass Kelvin at work. If Womannis says "Eastie" didn't pick up the poop then he didn't pick up the poop.
Tomblogger Eastgard is a crazy psychopath who stalks us bloggers night and day. He reads our blogs at least 40 times an hour. He has no less than 1,536 blogs of his own all of which are dedicated to our activities. What a loser. This man needs to get a life and a pooper scooper.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
A Message To The Anonymous Cowardly Attackers
This is addressed to all of you who have attacked me and my family on this blog and my other blog and on your own blogs. You're all cowards.
You see, it's all right for me, but not you, to make personal attacks on other people and on their families. I'm a Rogers Park blogger and that is what I do. Remember back in the fall of 2006 when Don Gordon was first running for alderman? This was before I decided I liked him. I attacked him. I attacked his nasty skanky daughter. This is perfectly acceptable. He made himself into a public figure so he and his family are fair game. I and my family are not.
It is all right for me to quote from other blogs without giving them a link when I can take quotes out of context and when I need to hide the fact that the blog I am quoting from is a parody blog which mocks me mercilessly. I don't know who's writing the parody blog in question so it is impossible for me to post a link because it just is. If anyone used my blog in a similar way they would be a dishonest coward. I am not because I cannot be a coward as I am a heroic crotchocross racer.
My loyal toady Jostle_Lynn is also not a fair target. She is my number one fan. Right now she is in my condo, wearing her old high school cheerleader outfit, cheering me on as I blog. Attacking her is the same as attacking me so it is wrong.
I have been called the neighborhood drunk. I am not a drunk. I spend the majority of each day at the Oasis because it is my duty to tell the patrons what a vile slum Rogers Park is and what a corrupt, incompetent hack Joe NoMooreFoieGras is. When I have a few drinks there it is because the patrons need to feel I am one of them if my message is to sink in. I am making a big sacrifice by spending the day at the Oasis.
It is ridiculous that I have to waste blog time saying this when Rogers Park, the worst slum in the entire universe, is in the grip of a slumlords and corrupt Christmas hating politicians. For those of you who have devoted your life to obsessing about me and my blog, why don't you get a life and start obsessing about Joe NoMooreFoieGras and Rogers Park.
You see, it's all right for me, but not you, to make personal attacks on other people and on their families. I'm a Rogers Park blogger and that is what I do. Remember back in the fall of 2006 when Don Gordon was first running for alderman? This was before I decided I liked him. I attacked him. I attacked his nasty skanky daughter. This is perfectly acceptable. He made himself into a public figure so he and his family are fair game. I and my family are not.
It is all right for me to quote from other blogs without giving them a link when I can take quotes out of context and when I need to hide the fact that the blog I am quoting from is a parody blog which mocks me mercilessly. I don't know who's writing the parody blog in question so it is impossible for me to post a link because it just is. If anyone used my blog in a similar way they would be a dishonest coward. I am not because I cannot be a coward as I am a heroic crotchocross racer.
My loyal toady Jostle_Lynn is also not a fair target. She is my number one fan. Right now she is in my condo, wearing her old high school cheerleader outfit, cheering me on as I blog. Attacking her is the same as attacking me so it is wrong.
I have been called the neighborhood drunk. I am not a drunk. I spend the majority of each day at the Oasis because it is my duty to tell the patrons what a vile slum Rogers Park is and what a corrupt, incompetent hack Joe NoMooreFoieGras is. When I have a few drinks there it is because the patrons need to feel I am one of them if my message is to sink in. I am making a big sacrifice by spending the day at the Oasis.
It is ridiculous that I have to waste blog time saying this when Rogers Park, the worst slum in the entire universe, is in the grip of a slumlords and corrupt Christmas hating politicians. For those of you who have devoted your life to obsessing about me and my blog, why don't you get a life and start obsessing about Joe NoMooreFoieGras and Rogers Park.
Aunt Jan Declares War On Christmas
Take a look at the resolution Joe NoMooreFoieGras's gal Jan Schakowsky had the nerve to vote against. http://illinoisreview.typepad.com/illinoisreview/2007/12/schakowsky-diss.html. This is an outrage. The fact that a friend of Joey's is against this resolution means it's a good thing that we should all support. Yea, I know the backers of this resolution think the readership of my Hay Chicago magazine should all be put to death. I don't care. What I care about is getting back at Alderman NoMooreFoieGras and his friends so I am going to stir up outrage in anyway that I can. The Fox News Channel is right! There is a war on Christmas and people like Jan Schakowsky are behind it. If you voted for her you are one sick puppy.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
It's Official -- Tomblogger Eastgard Is Insane
If you had any doubts as to the sanity of my rival blogger and archenemy, Tomblogger Eastgard, look at this crazy rant he emailed me.
Braig,
I didn't know it was possible but you have just hit a new low with your blogging. I see that you have a new rant on your blog about crime in Rogers Park and part of it is a quote taken from another blog stating that Rogers Park is a very dangerous neighborhood and that anyone who doesn't live here is advised to not come here [see my other blog to find out what this idiot is talking about]. You fail to provide your readers with a link to the blog from which the quote comes. When a reader specifically asks you for the source you pompously state that it is not your job to promote other blogs.
For your sake I guess it is a good thing that you did not provide your reader with the requested link as the reader would have seen that you have taken the quote out of context. The quote comes from a parody blog which is making fun of you and your penchant for hysteria. If you read the entire blog entry you get a very different sense of the author's opinion of you and of Rogers Park. You fancy yourself to be a journalist but your tactics are nothing but the worst sort of tabloid journalism. I don't know how you can show your face in public knowing how many people in the neighborhood are laughing at your buffoonery.
The author of this parody blog clearly doesn't take their work too seriously. She or he seems to be doing nothing more than indulging in a practice exercise in creative writing with the ample material you provide. There is no doubt in my mind that the author of the parody blog is delighted that you continue to maintain your silly blog as each day you provide her or him with more fodder for mockery. You think you are an heroic crusader but this person regards you as nothing more than a drunken idiot. The author clearly thinks that Rogers Park is not the hell hole that you portray it as being but a pretty nice place to call home.
I, however, am not the author of this parody blog and I think you are pretty appalling. In light of the tactics you have shown I don't see how anyone can give you any credibility. Your loyal readers -- Phughy, Sandy Duncan, Shrill Morton, Stinkjar, Proartillary, Laura Loserzader, Tomblogger Womannis, Jostle_Lynn -- they all blindly follow your lead and by doing so make themselves look even more stupid than you. What a pathetic joke you all are. I for one would be happy to see the last of you.
Sincerely,
Tomblogger Eastgard
Attorney at Law
Can you believe this crazy idiot? This just goes to show you what Joe NoMooreFoieGras's minions are like. Well Tommyblogger, I got news for you. While you're sitting in your miserable storefront office hoping to actually get a single client before the year is out and writing that blog of yours that no one reads, I am going to switch on my police scanner, jot down a few crime calls that I will turn into sensationalist blog entries that will be read by my billions of loyal readers all over the world. Then, with my work done for the day I am heading down to the Oasis. You ask yourself, who is more of a man. Me or you?
Laura Loserzader Is Smart
The people who read my blogs are the smartest people in Rogers Park (I'll leave it to you to draw your own conclusions about why this is true). If you are stupid enough to doubt what I am saying read this quote that fanatically loyal reader Laura Loserzader (aka Polar Coast) left on my other blog. "The interesting thing is that the presence of the institution [Loyola University] predeates the ruin of the neighborhood often by many decades. Loyola has been here since 1878."
See what a smart urbanist one of my readers is. Polar Coast shows that Rogers Park is the worst slum in the entire universe because Loyola University was opened here in 1878. We all know that slum boss Joe NoMooreFoieGras is responsible for all our problems ranging from the poo in the Morse Avenue el station to the fact that Tomblogger Womannis hasn't had a date since the Carter administration. But how did Rogers Park first get a slum boss like Joey? Because its a slum. Why is Rogers Park a slum? Because Loyola University is located here. We've been doomed since 1878. Me and my loyal readers demand that our Alderman close down Loyola University and plow its campus into the lake.
See how intelligent the people who read my blogs are? I think there's a connection between intelligence and taking me seriously.
See what a smart urbanist one of my readers is. Polar Coast shows that Rogers Park is the worst slum in the entire universe because Loyola University was opened here in 1878. We all know that slum boss Joe NoMooreFoieGras is responsible for all our problems ranging from the poo in the Morse Avenue el station to the fact that Tomblogger Womannis hasn't had a date since the Carter administration. But how did Rogers Park first get a slum boss like Joey? Because its a slum. Why is Rogers Park a slum? Because Loyola University is located here. We've been doomed since 1878. Me and my loyal readers demand that our Alderman close down Loyola University and plow its campus into the lake.
See how intelligent the people who read my blogs are? I think there's a connection between intelligence and taking me seriously.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Hate The Haters -- Special Message From Jostle_Lynn
Here is a special message from uber-loyal reader Jostle_Lynn
Dear Braig,
I know I said I wasn't going to blog anymore but I'm sitting here on a dreary Sunday afternoon in my miserable two flat in the midst of the hell hole that is Rogers Park with nothing to do. That lunkhead Steve is sitting in front of ESPN clad in just his boxers, scratching his fat hairy belly. I really hate that guy. I can't wait till we're married so I can throw the divorce papers in his face.
I've got to tell you how much I like the t-shirts you are selling on your other blog. "I was Shot in Rogers Park and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt" and "I Got Gooned In Rogers Park". That shows so much love, compassion and caring for the community. That is, ironically, what has got me down.
We bloggers are so dedicated to our community. We blog and blog, morning, noon and night, telling the world what a horrid place Rogers Park is and what do we get in return? A bunch of nasty trolls leaving anonymous derisive comments and starting parody blogs. The cowards won't even use their real names. They think that just because you post anonymous messages sent to you talking about what a hell hole Rogers Park is that it is acceptable for people who think the neighborhood isn't such a bad place to do the same. Well, it's not.
I am sick and tired of their hate. I am sick and tired of people who think that "I was Shot in Rogers Park" isn't something that we should be saying. My message to the haters is that if you think you're so wonderful why don't you be like Braig and instead of working for a living spend your days blogging. And by the way, go jump off Pratt Pier.
Love,
Jostle_Lynn
Dear Braig,
I know I said I wasn't going to blog anymore but I'm sitting here on a dreary Sunday afternoon in my miserable two flat in the midst of the hell hole that is Rogers Park with nothing to do. That lunkhead Steve is sitting in front of ESPN clad in just his boxers, scratching his fat hairy belly. I really hate that guy. I can't wait till we're married so I can throw the divorce papers in his face.
I've got to tell you how much I like the t-shirts you are selling on your other blog. "I was Shot in Rogers Park and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt" and "I Got Gooned In Rogers Park". That shows so much love, compassion and caring for the community. That is, ironically, what has got me down.
We bloggers are so dedicated to our community. We blog and blog, morning, noon and night, telling the world what a horrid place Rogers Park is and what do we get in return? A bunch of nasty trolls leaving anonymous derisive comments and starting parody blogs. The cowards won't even use their real names. They think that just because you post anonymous messages sent to you talking about what a hell hole Rogers Park is that it is acceptable for people who think the neighborhood isn't such a bad place to do the same. Well, it's not.
I am sick and tired of their hate. I am sick and tired of people who think that "I was Shot in Rogers Park" isn't something that we should be saying. My message to the haters is that if you think you're so wonderful why don't you be like Braig and instead of working for a living spend your days blogging. And by the way, go jump off Pratt Pier.
Love,
Jostle_Lynn
Be Afraid -- Be Very Afraid
Local tough guy Tomblogger Womannis has posted a new picture on his blog which shows what a violent, dangerous place Rogers Park is. The picture is of a crude handwritten sign stating that the author was the victim of an armed robbery. The sign gives no details about the incident or anything about the author's identity. Tomblogger has unimpeachable credibility so if he posted this picture on his blog you know it means something. Joe NoMooreFoieGras keeps saying "crime is down". This sign proves that not only is crime not down but it is soaring to astrological levels. I know all about crime in Rogers Park. I have a police scanner and all I ever hear on it are calls about crimes. Make no mistake, this is a very, very bad neighborhood.
I'm the toughest SOB on the planet and I tremble with fear every time I walk the mean streets of the hell hole. Tomblogger Womannis is the second toughest SOB on the planet and he trembles with fear too. Hell, early this morning when we were walking home from the Oasis you could smell the consequences of his fear. "I'd like to see some pussy ass liberal walk around this 'hood. They wouldn't last three seconds." said Tomblogger. Shrill Morton now never leaves home without his gun and his leather gloves. Uber-loyal reader Jostle_Lynn can't rent out the second floor of her two flat. Jostle_Lynn told the Broken Liver "Lots of people come to see my rental apartment. They think its pretty nice. When they ask what the neighborhood is like I tell them to read your blogs as they are the best source of information about Rogers Park. None of them come back with a completed rental application. It's all the Alderman's fault."
Make no mistake. It is not safe to be in the streets of Rogers Park. If you don't live here don't come here. If you are a big enough loser to live here then don't leave your squalid little apartment. Stay inside and stay tuned to my blogs. I'll tell you everything you need to know. To quote Tomblogger Womannis -- "Nice Neighborhood -- NOT!"
I'm the toughest SOB on the planet and I tremble with fear every time I walk the mean streets of the hell hole. Tomblogger Womannis is the second toughest SOB on the planet and he trembles with fear too. Hell, early this morning when we were walking home from the Oasis you could smell the consequences of his fear. "I'd like to see some pussy ass liberal walk around this 'hood. They wouldn't last three seconds." said Tomblogger. Shrill Morton now never leaves home without his gun and his leather gloves. Uber-loyal reader Jostle_Lynn can't rent out the second floor of her two flat. Jostle_Lynn told the Broken Liver "Lots of people come to see my rental apartment. They think its pretty nice. When they ask what the neighborhood is like I tell them to read your blogs as they are the best source of information about Rogers Park. None of them come back with a completed rental application. It's all the Alderman's fault."
Make no mistake. It is not safe to be in the streets of Rogers Park. If you don't live here don't come here. If you are a big enough loser to live here then don't leave your squalid little apartment. Stay inside and stay tuned to my blogs. I'll tell you everything you need to know. To quote Tomblogger Womannis -- "Nice Neighborhood -- NOT!"
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Up And Up
My blogs continue to attract more and more readers. The number of page hits is at an all time high and growing every day. The number and quality of comments left by loyal readers continues to grow. Readers from all over the world tune into this blog and my other blog every day to find out what a hell hole Rogers Park is and how inept Alderman NoMooreFoieGras is.
Now some of you dorks are going to try and toss back at me previous statements I made about how I was thinking of giving up blogging because the number of page hits and comments were down. Well, you're idiots. The statistics speak for themselves.
One thing holds true, I have better things to do then write a neighborhood blog and fixing the Hay Chicago magazine website is not one of them. The Oasis bar is open far more hours than I spend there. I could be there right how sharing a few with Tomblogger Womannis and Shrill Morton but instead I am at home writing this and listening to my police scanner for more routine calls which I can hysterically report on my blog.
So, you all better be kissing my big stinky butt. Uber-loyal reader Jostle_Lynn had declared she was retiring her own blog but came back on-line real fast when she just couldn't resist the temptation to tell the world how wonderful I am. Jostle_Lynn is a model Rogers Park citizen. Everyone should act like Jostle_Lynn. With people like her in the world I never have to buy toilet paper.
Now some of you dorks are going to try and toss back at me previous statements I made about how I was thinking of giving up blogging because the number of page hits and comments were down. Well, you're idiots. The statistics speak for themselves.
One thing holds true, I have better things to do then write a neighborhood blog and fixing the Hay Chicago magazine website is not one of them. The Oasis bar is open far more hours than I spend there. I could be there right how sharing a few with Tomblogger Womannis and Shrill Morton but instead I am at home writing this and listening to my police scanner for more routine calls which I can hysterically report on my blog.
So, you all better be kissing my big stinky butt. Uber-loyal reader Jostle_Lynn had declared she was retiring her own blog but came back on-line real fast when she just couldn't resist the temptation to tell the world how wonderful I am. Jostle_Lynn is a model Rogers Park citizen. Everyone should act like Jostle_Lynn. With people like her in the world I never have to buy toilet paper.
Friday, December 7, 2007
Loyal Blog Reader Invents New Way To Punish Property Owners Who Don't Clear Sidewalks
This just in from a loyal blog reader.
Hey Braig,
Since the snow came I've noticed that not all property owners in Rogers Park shovel the snow off their sidewalks. Well, I'm going to get them for that. I've got a very large dog and and I am going to start walking him around the property of these delinquents, encouraging him to do his "duty" and I am not going to pick it up (not that I ever do). Then when the little hoodlets walk by on their way to sling crack on the street corners they'll slip on the ice and land in half frozen piles of poo. They'll get real mad at the property owners and lay waste to their property and and their persons. That will show them. Plus, you'll be able to blog about how crime is up in Rogers Park.
Your loyal fan,
Happy Hoofer
See what wonderful, intelligent, caring people read my blog? If you have a high quality blog like I do you attract high quality readers. I challenge anyone to argue otherwise.
Hey Braig,
Since the snow came I've noticed that not all property owners in Rogers Park shovel the snow off their sidewalks. Well, I'm going to get them for that. I've got a very large dog and and I am going to start walking him around the property of these delinquents, encouraging him to do his "duty" and I am not going to pick it up (not that I ever do). Then when the little hoodlets walk by on their way to sling crack on the street corners they'll slip on the ice and land in half frozen piles of poo. They'll get real mad at the property owners and lay waste to their property and and their persons. That will show them. Plus, you'll be able to blog about how crime is up in Rogers Park.
Your loyal fan,
Happy Hoofer
See what wonderful, intelligent, caring people read my blog? If you have a high quality blog like I do you attract high quality readers. I challenge anyone to argue otherwise.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Desperate Conditions In Rogers Park Force Residents To Panhandle
Joe NoMooreFoieGras's neglect of his ward is forcing residents to beg for money. Rogers Park residents have been seen lurking around Chicago's bustling commercial districts asking for spare change, hoping to accumulate sufficient funds to move out of the Hell Hole. Well, we Rogers Park bloggers are smarter than the average citizen and we've found new ways to beg for money.
If you're a regular reader of my other blog you're going to be familiar with uber-loyal fan Polar Coast, aka Laura Looserzader. Polar Coast is supposed to have a job but instead of working she spends her work days on my blog posting lengthy comments which I like getting because it gives my blog some credibility. I also like her because she hates Rogers Park as much as I do. She spends lots of time talking about how it is her dream to save enough money to move to the paradise that is Mary Ann Smith's ward of Edgewater.
Some people, like that nasty mutt Toto, might be tempted to post comments saying that Laura should stop reading my blog and get back to work if she wants to earn enough money to move to a decent neighborhood. Well, you suck Toto. It is the duty of each and every resident of Rogers Park to read my blogs every day and to post lots of comments on my blogs telling me how great I am. Laura (aka Polar Coast) is faithfully executing her duty.
But Laura is a smart cookie and has found a way to earn the money for that long dreamed about move to Edgewater. Like the rest of the residents of Rogers Park she is panhandling but she has taken her begging high tech. Like everyone who is anyone in Rogers Park, she has a blog. She hasn't posted anything in months (why should she? Anything worth reading is written by me) but she has put up a request for donations to move to Edgewater. Visit Polar Coast's blog and help get her the hell out of here http://thenorthcoast.blogspot.com/.
If you're a regular reader of my other blog you're going to be familiar with uber-loyal fan Polar Coast, aka Laura Looserzader. Polar Coast is supposed to have a job but instead of working she spends her work days on my blog posting lengthy comments which I like getting because it gives my blog some credibility. I also like her because she hates Rogers Park as much as I do. She spends lots of time talking about how it is her dream to save enough money to move to the paradise that is Mary Ann Smith's ward of Edgewater.
Some people, like that nasty mutt Toto, might be tempted to post comments saying that Laura should stop reading my blog and get back to work if she wants to earn enough money to move to a decent neighborhood. Well, you suck Toto. It is the duty of each and every resident of Rogers Park to read my blogs every day and to post lots of comments on my blogs telling me how great I am. Laura (aka Polar Coast) is faithfully executing her duty.
But Laura is a smart cookie and has found a way to earn the money for that long dreamed about move to Edgewater. Like the rest of the residents of Rogers Park she is panhandling but she has taken her begging high tech. Like everyone who is anyone in Rogers Park, she has a blog. She hasn't posted anything in months (why should she? Anything worth reading is written by me) but she has put up a request for donations to move to Edgewater. Visit Polar Coast's blog and help get her the hell out of here http://thenorthcoast.blogspot.com/.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Watch Out Hommies! Shrill Has Got A Gun
Pay attention hommies, hoodlets and bangers. Your days are numbered. Our own Shrill Morton has got a gun.
Check out my other blog. I've got a great picture of Shrill proudly showing off his new gun. What a man. You may think Shrill Morton is a total loser. He "works" for Jonny Quest Network Services, a company which specializes in showing the residents of Rogers Park how to turn on their computers and read my blog. When he's not taking pictures of lazy city laborers who share his work ethic his "work" day consists of walking around sticking advertising cards on all of the abandoned, stolen or about to be repo'd cars which litter the mean streets of Rogers Park. Despite all his efforts (or lack thereof) he can't afford a better neighborhood than Rogers Park. Shrill is an angry and bitter person. I know him well . We're regular drinking buddies at the Oasis.
Well, Shrill is feeling a bit better about himself. He now has a gun, some cool leather gloves and a picture on my other blog. Way to go Shrill!
Check out my other blog. I've got a great picture of Shrill proudly showing off his new gun. What a man. You may think Shrill Morton is a total loser. He "works" for Jonny Quest Network Services, a company which specializes in showing the residents of Rogers Park how to turn on their computers and read my blog. When he's not taking pictures of lazy city laborers who share his work ethic his "work" day consists of walking around sticking advertising cards on all of the abandoned, stolen or about to be repo'd cars which litter the mean streets of Rogers Park. Despite all his efforts (or lack thereof) he can't afford a better neighborhood than Rogers Park. Shrill is an angry and bitter person. I know him well . We're regular drinking buddies at the Oasis.
Well, Shrill is feeling a bit better about himself. He now has a gun, some cool leather gloves and a picture on my other blog. Way to go Shrill!
Friday, November 9, 2007
Broken Liver To Sponsor Photography Contest
My loyal toady Jostle_Lynn has told all of you that I'm a "likeable" guy which is of course true and I am going to prove it. The "Broken Liver" is going to sponsor a photography contest which will give all you losers a chance to feel like an important blogger for a day. The topic for this contest will be "Gooned In Joe NoMooreFoieGras's Hellhole".
If you've been reading my blogs as often as you should you'll know that sometimes I get idiots coming into the comments section and saying that my blogs are nothing but sensationalist hysteria. Rogers Park is not as dangerous as I say it is and they walk around without fear. My usual response is something along the lines of "I'll look forward to posting pictures of you on my blog after you've been gooned." And there you have the subject matter for this contest.
Why should I have to do all the work of going out and looking for subject matter? It's about time you lazy parasites pulled your weight around here. Your entries are to be pictures of gooning victims. There will be categories for aftermath pictures, event in progress shots, still shots and live shots. The winner will get their pictures posted on one of my blogs.
See what a likeable guy I am? I'm such a nice guy for sponsoring this contest.
If you've been reading my blogs as often as you should you'll know that sometimes I get idiots coming into the comments section and saying that my blogs are nothing but sensationalist hysteria. Rogers Park is not as dangerous as I say it is and they walk around without fear. My usual response is something along the lines of "I'll look forward to posting pictures of you on my blog after you've been gooned." And there you have the subject matter for this contest.
Why should I have to do all the work of going out and looking for subject matter? It's about time you lazy parasites pulled your weight around here. Your entries are to be pictures of gooning victims. There will be categories for aftermath pictures, event in progress shots, still shots and live shots. The winner will get their pictures posted on one of my blogs.
See what a likeable guy I am? I'm such a nice guy for sponsoring this contest.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Update On The Planned Liberation Of Rogers Park
If you've been reading my blogs as carefully as you should you should remember that back in September I gave Tomblogger Womannis the privilege of writing a guest blog entry. He blogged about how he'd been telling is friend General B. Trayus, Supreme Commander of the U.S. Military forces in Iraq, about Michael James and his band of smelly hippies at the Heartland Cafe. The good general was eager to bring his troops over from Iraq to liberate Rogers Park from the tyranny of these smelly hippies. Well, two months have passed and no sign of amphibious landing craft on Loyola Beach. I asked Tomblogger "what gives?". He emailed General B. Trayus and here's the response;
Hoorah Tomblogger!
Great to hear from you. It's been a great day here in Iraq. Me and the boys have been having a lot of fun subjecting hajjis and dune coons to "aggressive interrogations". We're making real progress here. I know I've been saying this for the last four years but this time I'm positive. You can definitely plan on spending your Christmas vacation here in a safe and secure Iraq.
Now about me and the boys coming over there to the hellhole that is Rogers Park to take care of Michael James and his band of smelly hippies at the Heartland Cafe. Well, I have to tell you that we'd love to. We really would. Why, when the boys heard about that pornography Katy Hogan had hanging in the windows of her No Exit Cafe they couldn't wait to get there and smash those windows in the name of Jesus. But there's a couple of problems.
First of all, our Commander in Chief, George W. Bush, who's one of the finest human beings who's ever walked God's green earth, is telling me he may want me to take the boys on "Operation Iranian Freedom" where we'd go to Iran, shoot up a bunch more Hajjis, talk about securing weapons of mass destruction and look all tough and macho for the Fox News cameras. We may be pretty busy in the near future.
Second, there's the problem of these gnomes you keep telling me about. I've been reading the things they've been saying on your blogs and they sound like a dangerous bunch. Almost as bad as the Democrats. But the thing is, what if the gnomes jump into the fighting on the side of the smelly hippies? The boys have never trained to fight gnomes. Sure, we've got the finest army the world has ever seen. This was proven when we launched those stunning invasions of Panama and Grenada. But there's lots of risks in fighting gnomes. The boys might get injured and scarred. You wouldn't want that would you? There's an election coming up and who ever is going to be the Republican Party's candidate for President is going to need our Brave Young Men and Women looking fresh and healthy as they cheer him on at his campaign rallies. You wouldn't want another Bill Clinton in office now would you?
So, you're just going to have to be a good American and pull yourself up by your boot straps and take care of Michael James and the gnomes yourself. I'm sure you'll think of something. You've always been great at making things up.
Yours in Christ and G.W. Bush (who I think are one in the same),
General B. Trayus
Hoorah Tomblogger!
Great to hear from you. It's been a great day here in Iraq. Me and the boys have been having a lot of fun subjecting hajjis and dune coons to "aggressive interrogations". We're making real progress here. I know I've been saying this for the last four years but this time I'm positive. You can definitely plan on spending your Christmas vacation here in a safe and secure Iraq.
Now about me and the boys coming over there to the hellhole that is Rogers Park to take care of Michael James and his band of smelly hippies at the Heartland Cafe. Well, I have to tell you that we'd love to. We really would. Why, when the boys heard about that pornography Katy Hogan had hanging in the windows of her No Exit Cafe they couldn't wait to get there and smash those windows in the name of Jesus. But there's a couple of problems.
First of all, our Commander in Chief, George W. Bush, who's one of the finest human beings who's ever walked God's green earth, is telling me he may want me to take the boys on "Operation Iranian Freedom" where we'd go to Iran, shoot up a bunch more Hajjis, talk about securing weapons of mass destruction and look all tough and macho for the Fox News cameras. We may be pretty busy in the near future.
Second, there's the problem of these gnomes you keep telling me about. I've been reading the things they've been saying on your blogs and they sound like a dangerous bunch. Almost as bad as the Democrats. But the thing is, what if the gnomes jump into the fighting on the side of the smelly hippies? The boys have never trained to fight gnomes. Sure, we've got the finest army the world has ever seen. This was proven when we launched those stunning invasions of Panama and Grenada. But there's lots of risks in fighting gnomes. The boys might get injured and scarred. You wouldn't want that would you? There's an election coming up and who ever is going to be the Republican Party's candidate for President is going to need our Brave Young Men and Women looking fresh and healthy as they cheer him on at his campaign rallies. You wouldn't want another Bill Clinton in office now would you?
So, you're just going to have to be a good American and pull yourself up by your boot straps and take care of Michael James and the gnomes yourself. I'm sure you'll think of something. You've always been great at making things up.
Yours in Christ and G.W. Bush (who I think are one in the same),
General B. Trayus
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Wedding Bells To Ring Out In Rogers Park
At last and no thanks to Joe NoMooreFoieGras, there will be some joy in the dreary neighborhood of Rogers Park. Our own Jostle_Lynn is getting married. Here is the email I received from her.
"Braig,
I am delighted to be able to tell you that not only are Steve and I officially engaged but I will soon be getting the hell out of the hell that is Rogers Park!
Refusing to have sex with Steve until he agreed to move out of Rogers Park wasn't working. He seemed happy. He had more time to sit in his boxers in front of the tv watching ESPN. I tried other ways of getting the money to move. In a fit of desperation that only a reader of your blogs could understand, I actually posed nude for Katy Hogan's "works of art" that are hanging in the windows of the No Exit Cafe. How could I know it would end up looking like graffiti? How could I know that when she said she'd "pay me what I was worth" she meant two free passes to the 'Roundsteak' show at the Red Line Tap?
Then I got a brilliant idea. Marriage was the key to moving to some place I could call a good neighborhood.
I spiked Steve's dinner with Viagra and put on my best Victoria's Secret. Soon, Steve's boxer shorts were off and in the post-coital bliss he agreed to marry me. How will this get me out of Rogers Park you may ask?
Well, the key is the wedding gifts. I prefer money over goods that I will have to schlep back to Macy's but if I have to do so I will. I am determined to collect enough wedding gifts to put a substantial down payment on a Lincoln Park condo. We're having a HUGE wedding. I've even hired a private detective to track down grade school classmates and hit them up with an invitation.
Steve and I are going to have a fabulous spare no expense wedding, a wonderful sun splashed honeymoon and then, the day we return home, I am tossing the divorce papers in Steve's face and moving to Lincoln Park. In fact, I already have them filled out and ready to go. What judge would deny me the divorce I want in the way I want? If forcing one's spouse to live in a neighborhood like this doesn't constitute cruelty and mental anguish I don't know what does.
I feel so clever,
Love,
Jostle_Lynn"
Blognotes: Yours truly is helping with the all important task of getting the guest list together for what will be the Rogers Park social event of the year -- after the fourth anniversary of my other blog of course. The following people are NOT invited: Tomblogger Eastgard, Joe NoMooreFoieGras, Nathan NoMooreFoieGras, Kelvin O'Neil, Katy Hogan, Michael James, Brattly, Kimberly Bareass, all Hay Chicago employees, David FAGus. James Ginderske is not invited to the wedding but Jostle_Lynn does want him to be at her bachelorette party clad in nothing more than his work boots, hard hat and tool belt. Anyone who pisses me off between now and then wedding will not be invited. You've been warned.
"Braig,
I am delighted to be able to tell you that not only are Steve and I officially engaged but I will soon be getting the hell out of the hell that is Rogers Park!
Refusing to have sex with Steve until he agreed to move out of Rogers Park wasn't working. He seemed happy. He had more time to sit in his boxers in front of the tv watching ESPN. I tried other ways of getting the money to move. In a fit of desperation that only a reader of your blogs could understand, I actually posed nude for Katy Hogan's "works of art" that are hanging in the windows of the No Exit Cafe. How could I know it would end up looking like graffiti? How could I know that when she said she'd "pay me what I was worth" she meant two free passes to the 'Roundsteak' show at the Red Line Tap?
Then I got a brilliant idea. Marriage was the key to moving to some place I could call a good neighborhood.
I spiked Steve's dinner with Viagra and put on my best Victoria's Secret. Soon, Steve's boxer shorts were off and in the post-coital bliss he agreed to marry me. How will this get me out of Rogers Park you may ask?
Well, the key is the wedding gifts. I prefer money over goods that I will have to schlep back to Macy's but if I have to do so I will. I am determined to collect enough wedding gifts to put a substantial down payment on a Lincoln Park condo. We're having a HUGE wedding. I've even hired a private detective to track down grade school classmates and hit them up with an invitation.
Steve and I are going to have a fabulous spare no expense wedding, a wonderful sun splashed honeymoon and then, the day we return home, I am tossing the divorce papers in Steve's face and moving to Lincoln Park. In fact, I already have them filled out and ready to go. What judge would deny me the divorce I want in the way I want? If forcing one's spouse to live in a neighborhood like this doesn't constitute cruelty and mental anguish I don't know what does.
I feel so clever,
Love,
Jostle_Lynn"
Blognotes: Yours truly is helping with the all important task of getting the guest list together for what will be the Rogers Park social event of the year -- after the fourth anniversary of my other blog of course. The following people are NOT invited: Tomblogger Eastgard, Joe NoMooreFoieGras, Nathan NoMooreFoieGras, Kelvin O'Neil, Katy Hogan, Michael James, Brattly, Kimberly Bareass, all Hay Chicago employees, David FAGus. James Ginderske is not invited to the wedding but Jostle_Lynn does want him to be at her bachelorette party clad in nothing more than his work boots, hard hat and tool belt. Anyone who pisses me off between now and then wedding will not be invited. You've been warned.
Chicago Sun Times Interviews Rogers Park Bloggers
(Part 3 0f 3)
Here's the last installment of when me and some of the other neighborhood bloggers told ace Sun Times reporter, Ditzy McTrixie, what a mouldering pile of garbage our neighborhood is.
I sat in the decidedly non-Starbucks ambiance of Cafe Ennui. I reflected on what a sad and boring life these poor Rogers Park people must have living in their hellhole without a Starbucks or even a Caribou Coffee to bring some joy into their dreary lives. But I don't want to conclude this story without trying to bring a glimmer of hope so I asked the four bloggers what they hope to accomplish by blogging.
Briag Gernliver stated that "My primary goal is to get as much attention as possible. Everyone should be looking at me because I deserve it. And, well, I've been pretty successful at that. My blogs are the most read ones on the planet. And when I get bored with blogging about Rogers Park I just might move elsewhere and blog about what a hellhole my new neighborhood is. My blog is really pretty generic. Its all about saying bad things about where I live and I can easily translate it to a new community and bash that community too."
Tomblogger Womannis's goal is to become an important figure in the national Republican party. He's hoping to be the next Carl Rove. He hopes that his blog will catch the attention of party leaders. "If W, Rudy, Arnold, Ann, Rush and Rupert see what a hellhole I live in they're sure so realize what a bad-ass dude tough guy I am and deem me worthy for a national post in the party. I'd never lower myself to taking some unimportant local post. I'm going for the top." declared Womannis.
Jostle_Lynn said "I really don't hope to accomplish anything with my blog. I just started it because everyone else had one so I thought I should too. I don't post much to it and not many people read it which is as it should be. I spend way more time posting comments on Braig's blog and that is the one people should be reading. Everyone should read Braig's blog at least 10 times a day."
Shrill Morton's response to my query was "You want me to have a goal? Why should I have a goal? No way! My old girlfriend was always after me to do things like get a real job and have a goal and I told her to go to hell. Bitch."
Braig concluded our interview by saying that "It's great that you've come up here to let us talk about how much we hate where we live. That will show Joe NoMooreFoieGras. It's wonderful that you let me be the voice of Rogers Park because, while most of the pikers here have never heard of me I deserve to speak for the community because I just do."
That's Ditzy's article for you. How much do you want to bet the Joey isn't going to do anything to fix the stuff we complained about? How much do you want to bet that he didn't even read the article?
Here's the last installment of when me and some of the other neighborhood bloggers told ace Sun Times reporter, Ditzy McTrixie, what a mouldering pile of garbage our neighborhood is.
I sat in the decidedly non-Starbucks ambiance of Cafe Ennui. I reflected on what a sad and boring life these poor Rogers Park people must have living in their hellhole without a Starbucks or even a Caribou Coffee to bring some joy into their dreary lives. But I don't want to conclude this story without trying to bring a glimmer of hope so I asked the four bloggers what they hope to accomplish by blogging.
Briag Gernliver stated that "My primary goal is to get as much attention as possible. Everyone should be looking at me because I deserve it. And, well, I've been pretty successful at that. My blogs are the most read ones on the planet. And when I get bored with blogging about Rogers Park I just might move elsewhere and blog about what a hellhole my new neighborhood is. My blog is really pretty generic. Its all about saying bad things about where I live and I can easily translate it to a new community and bash that community too."
Tomblogger Womannis's goal is to become an important figure in the national Republican party. He's hoping to be the next Carl Rove. He hopes that his blog will catch the attention of party leaders. "If W, Rudy, Arnold, Ann, Rush and Rupert see what a hellhole I live in they're sure so realize what a bad-ass dude tough guy I am and deem me worthy for a national post in the party. I'd never lower myself to taking some unimportant local post. I'm going for the top." declared Womannis.
Jostle_Lynn said "I really don't hope to accomplish anything with my blog. I just started it because everyone else had one so I thought I should too. I don't post much to it and not many people read it which is as it should be. I spend way more time posting comments on Braig's blog and that is the one people should be reading. Everyone should read Braig's blog at least 10 times a day."
Shrill Morton's response to my query was "You want me to have a goal? Why should I have a goal? No way! My old girlfriend was always after me to do things like get a real job and have a goal and I told her to go to hell. Bitch."
Braig concluded our interview by saying that "It's great that you've come up here to let us talk about how much we hate where we live. That will show Joe NoMooreFoieGras. It's wonderful that you let me be the voice of Rogers Park because, while most of the pikers here have never heard of me I deserve to speak for the community because I just do."
That's Ditzy's article for you. How much do you want to bet the Joey isn't going to do anything to fix the stuff we complained about? How much do you want to bet that he didn't even read the article?
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Happy Blogoween!
Don't forget! Today is a good day to show your rejection of our alderman, Joe NoMooreFoieGras and replace Halloween with Blogoween. I blogged about this great new holiday in an earlier post ( http://albionhellhole.blogspot.com/2007/10/stick-it-to-corrupt-49th-ward-alderman.html ). Rogers Park's leading Republican, Tomblogger Womannis has been spending all of the daylight hours starring in horrified fascination at the pornographic drawings of our own Jostle_Lynn that are on display in Katy Hogan's No Exit Cafe but he assures me that his "Hell House" (showing children what happens to godless sinners who read Harry Potter novels, study evolution in school or vote for Joe NoMooreFoieGras) will be ready for this evening's festivities.
In addition to the fun activities that I described in my original announcement there will be a costume contest. Children are encouraged to dress as their favorite neighborhood blogger. Come dressed as me, Tomblogger Womannis, Jostle_Lynn, Sandy Duncan, Phughy, Shrill Morton or ME! I'm serving as the fair and impartial judge so guess which costume will win?
In addition to the fun activities that I described in my original announcement there will be a costume contest. Children are encouraged to dress as their favorite neighborhood blogger. Come dressed as me, Tomblogger Womannis, Jostle_Lynn, Sandy Duncan, Phughy, Shrill Morton or ME! I'm serving as the fair and impartial judge so guess which costume will win?
Monday, October 29, 2007
Alderman's Stooge Turns Down Generous Offer Of Assistance
Katy Hogan, owner of the Red Line Tap, Heartland Cafe and No Exit Cafe and stooge of 49th Ward Alderman Joe NoMooreFoieGras turned down a generous offer to help improve Rogers Park. Hogan recently created moral outrage throughout Rogers Park when she brazenly displayed obscene drawings of nude woman in the windows of her No Exit Cafe. Prominent Republican and local blogger, Tomblogger Womannis offered his generous assistance in bringing this window display into accordance with the high moral standards we try to uphold here in Rogers Park. You see, when John Ashcroft moved into the Justice Department and discovered some nude female statues (presumably left over from the Clinton Administration) he called on Tomblogger Womannis to drape the statues in appropriately modest coverings. Tomblogger offered to perform the same service at the No Exit Cafe. Katy declined by saying "and I suppose next you'll want me to start wearing a burkha?" In your case Katy, that's not a bad idea.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Chicago Sun Times Interviews Rogers Park Bloggers
(Part 2 of 3)
Here's the continuation of when I enlightened ace Sun Times reporter, Ditzy McTrixie, as to the horrid conditions we live in here in Rogers Park.
My first question for the four bloggers gathered at Cafe Ennui is why they live in Rogers Park? After all, while not everyone can live in Lincoln Park Chicago does have the more democratic, working class neighborhoods of Lakeview, the South Loop, Wicker Park and Bucktown. Why not move? Why live in a neighborhood where you are so miserable?
Braig was the first to speak (a condition of my interviewing the four is that Braig would always have the first and last words). "Well Ditzy. I live here because I am a public spirited sort of guy. My parents left me a nice trust fun. I can afford to live anywhere I want but I live in Rogers Park because people here need me. I moved up here a few years ago to tell the people who live here what a hell hole their neighborhood is. If it wasn't for me they'd never know that. There was this old community forum, Forum 49, and I was on there night and day shouting down everyone and anyone and fighting the good fight against new businesses that wanted to be an asset to the community like Cafe Suron and the Morseland. Then I decided to start my own blog so my many fans could have the benefit of reading what I have to say without the distraction of the opinions of Joe NoMooreFoieGras's lackeys, who are anyone who disagrees with me. I own Hay Chicago magazine but I don't devote much effort to it. My life is Rogers Park, my blog and telling everyone what a hell hole they live in. That's my mission in life and that is why I am here".
Shrill Morton was more concise. "I live here because its dirt cheap. I can't afford better. I ask my boss at Jonny Quest Network Services for more money but he laughs at me and tells me to stop taking pictures of the lazy city workers at the corner of Sheridan and Chase. He says I'm no better than they are and I should do some work myself before asking for a raise. The guy won't cut me a break. He thinks I should be working all the time. When's a guy supposed to find time to take pictures of graffiti and poo for his "Rogers Park in One Trillion Words" blog? When's a guy supposed to find time to comb his long, flowing tresses other than during the work day? I'd like to live in Lincoln Park right next to you* but not if I have to kiss The Man's ass. I have principles".
Tomblogger Womannis declared that affirmative action is the problem. If it wasn't for these liberals giving all the jobs to unqualified ethnically diverse people he could get the high paying job he deserves and move to a nice gated suburban community with his fellow Republicans. In the mean time he lives in Rogers Park and is proud if it. "Make no mistake, this is a rough, dangerous 'hood. I'd like to see some pussy liberal live here. A liberal wouldn't last 10 seconds here. I've never been a victim of a crime while here. It's not because the danger of Rogers Park is grossly overstated. It's because I am tough, bad ass Conservative and the hoodlets know they better not mess with me"
Finally, Jostle_Lynn spoke and her story almost broke my heart. "Ditzy, I live here because my boyfriend Steve is lazy and worthless. He said we'd live here for a couple of years, fix up this two flat, flip it and use the profits to move to Lincoln Park or Naperville. But that didn't happen. All he does is spend every evening sitting in his boxers in front of the tv scratching himself and watching ESPN when he could be out trying to hustle up some more money. I don't know what to do. I told him I wouldn't have sex with him until he moved me out of Rogers Park but his response was 'Is that a promise?'. Mom and Dad stopped giving me money years ago. One day they said '35 years of financial support is more than enough'. I am so depressed".
I couldn't help but reflect on the good fortune in my life. Mummsy and Popsicle are so generous. A Sun-Times paycheck just doesn't cover all the necessities in life. There's basics like a down payment on a Lincoln Park condo (good girls can't live just anywhere), a new SUV every other year, memberships at the East Bank Club, a thrice daily trips to Starbucks , twice weekly trips to Whole Foods, regular evenings in the Lincoln Park bars and Saturday night slumming in Wicker Park. Someday I'll marry a nice freshly minted partner in a major law firm or a financial services consultant and I won't need them anymore but for now its a great comfort to know that I, unlike poor Jostle_Lynn, come from a caring, loving family.
*Fat chance loser! If some dorky computer geek like you so much as sets foot on my block my boyfriend Chad and all his old frat brothers will kick your ass so fast you'll wish you'd chosen the option of licking the floor of the Jarvis Avenue El station instead.
Check back soon. I'll be posting more of ace reporter DitzyMcTrixie mindlessly scribbling down anything I have to say.
Here's the continuation of when I enlightened ace Sun Times reporter, Ditzy McTrixie, as to the horrid conditions we live in here in Rogers Park.
My first question for the four bloggers gathered at Cafe Ennui is why they live in Rogers Park? After all, while not everyone can live in Lincoln Park Chicago does have the more democratic, working class neighborhoods of Lakeview, the South Loop, Wicker Park and Bucktown. Why not move? Why live in a neighborhood where you are so miserable?
Braig was the first to speak (a condition of my interviewing the four is that Braig would always have the first and last words). "Well Ditzy. I live here because I am a public spirited sort of guy. My parents left me a nice trust fun. I can afford to live anywhere I want but I live in Rogers Park because people here need me. I moved up here a few years ago to tell the people who live here what a hell hole their neighborhood is. If it wasn't for me they'd never know that. There was this old community forum, Forum 49, and I was on there night and day shouting down everyone and anyone and fighting the good fight against new businesses that wanted to be an asset to the community like Cafe Suron and the Morseland. Then I decided to start my own blog so my many fans could have the benefit of reading what I have to say without the distraction of the opinions of Joe NoMooreFoieGras's lackeys, who are anyone who disagrees with me. I own Hay Chicago magazine but I don't devote much effort to it. My life is Rogers Park, my blog and telling everyone what a hell hole they live in. That's my mission in life and that is why I am here".
Shrill Morton was more concise. "I live here because its dirt cheap. I can't afford better. I ask my boss at Jonny Quest Network Services for more money but he laughs at me and tells me to stop taking pictures of the lazy city workers at the corner of Sheridan and Chase. He says I'm no better than they are and I should do some work myself before asking for a raise. The guy won't cut me a break. He thinks I should be working all the time. When's a guy supposed to find time to take pictures of graffiti and poo for his "Rogers Park in One Trillion Words" blog? When's a guy supposed to find time to comb his long, flowing tresses other than during the work day? I'd like to live in Lincoln Park right next to you* but not if I have to kiss The Man's ass. I have principles".
Tomblogger Womannis declared that affirmative action is the problem. If it wasn't for these liberals giving all the jobs to unqualified ethnically diverse people he could get the high paying job he deserves and move to a nice gated suburban community with his fellow Republicans. In the mean time he lives in Rogers Park and is proud if it. "Make no mistake, this is a rough, dangerous 'hood. I'd like to see some pussy liberal live here. A liberal wouldn't last 10 seconds here. I've never been a victim of a crime while here. It's not because the danger of Rogers Park is grossly overstated. It's because I am tough, bad ass Conservative and the hoodlets know they better not mess with me"
Finally, Jostle_Lynn spoke and her story almost broke my heart. "Ditzy, I live here because my boyfriend Steve is lazy and worthless. He said we'd live here for a couple of years, fix up this two flat, flip it and use the profits to move to Lincoln Park or Naperville. But that didn't happen. All he does is spend every evening sitting in his boxers in front of the tv scratching himself and watching ESPN when he could be out trying to hustle up some more money. I don't know what to do. I told him I wouldn't have sex with him until he moved me out of Rogers Park but his response was 'Is that a promise?'. Mom and Dad stopped giving me money years ago. One day they said '35 years of financial support is more than enough'. I am so depressed".
I couldn't help but reflect on the good fortune in my life. Mummsy and Popsicle are so generous. A Sun-Times paycheck just doesn't cover all the necessities in life. There's basics like a down payment on a Lincoln Park condo (good girls can't live just anywhere), a new SUV every other year, memberships at the East Bank Club, a thrice daily trips to Starbucks , twice weekly trips to Whole Foods, regular evenings in the Lincoln Park bars and Saturday night slumming in Wicker Park. Someday I'll marry a nice freshly minted partner in a major law firm or a financial services consultant and I won't need them anymore but for now its a great comfort to know that I, unlike poor Jostle_Lynn, come from a caring, loving family.
*Fat chance loser! If some dorky computer geek like you so much as sets foot on my block my boyfriend Chad and all his old frat brothers will kick your ass so fast you'll wish you'd chosen the option of licking the floor of the Jarvis Avenue El station instead.
Check back soon. I'll be posting more of ace reporter DitzyMcTrixie mindlessly scribbling down anything I have to say.
Chicago Sun Times Interviews Rogers Park Bloggers
(Part 1 of 3)
Ace Chicago Sun Times Reporter Ditzy McTrixie ventured into the hell hole last week to interview Rogers Park's leading bloggers. Of course this included me. Google has been a real boon to me. Rather than doing any research, when lazy reporters want to write on Rogers Park, the do a quick search on Google. My blog comes up. They send me an email and we're off and running. Anyway, here's excerpts from Ditzy's article.
Recently, on a mild October night I left the comfort and safety of my Lincoln Park home to pay a visit to one of the less frequented and less fortunate quarters of the city, the far northern neighborhood of Rogers Park. I grabbed my iPhone, my Apple Powerbook and a venti Starbucks (which I am sure no one in Rogers Park has ever heard of), jumped into my Chevy Tahoe and headed north. I reached the designated meeting spot, Cafe Ennui, on Sheridan Road. The neighborhood did not strike me as safe for walking around in (I saw some "ethnic diversity") and, unlike Lincoln Park, there was no valet parking so I left my trusty Tahoe in the middle of Sheridan Road*, and went in.
Was I glad I brought some Starbucks with me! Cafe Ennui is not part of a national chain. We'd certainly never have such a place in Lincoln Park. What a site. Sprawled out all over were old hippies and beatniks, sipping espresso, reading Jean-Paul Sartre (who I was forced to hear about when I took elementary French at Northern Illinois U.), smoking, typing away on non-Apple brand laptops and wearing berets. There I was welcomed by four of Rogers Park's leading bloggers, Braig Gernliver, Tomblogger Womannis, Jostle_Lynn and Shrill Morton.
Braig is the most important blogger in Rogers Park and maybe the whole world. He's the publisher of Hay Chicago magazine, the number 33 ranked alternative lifestyles publication in Chicago. Tomblogger doesn't work ("Affirmative action keeps me from getting that job I want. That and some post-traumatic stress conditions from when I fought side by side with Rush Limbaugh in 'Nam."). Shrill Morton works for Jonny Quest Network Services, a local business which shows the people of Rogers Park how to turn on their computers. Jostle_Lynn has the closest to a normal job of any of the four. She works downtown in an "office job" but she assures me that "a bunch of silly things like answering phones and filing papers" doesn't keep her away from the primary focus of her day, posting comments on Braig's blog telling him how great he is and what a wonderful service he provides for the community.
When our series returns these four bloggers will be telling us what a hellhole Rogers Park is and how their blogs provide a wonderful service to this poverty stricken third world slum on Chicago's northern border.
*If the Sun Times won't pay my tickets daddy better. His Princess doesn't walk anywhere she doesn't want too.
As you can imagine, I had lots of wise and insightful things to say to Ditzy McTrixie. Check back later when I will be posting parts 2 and 3 of her interview with Rogers Park's leading blogger and his friends.
Ace Chicago Sun Times Reporter Ditzy McTrixie ventured into the hell hole last week to interview Rogers Park's leading bloggers. Of course this included me. Google has been a real boon to me. Rather than doing any research, when lazy reporters want to write on Rogers Park, the do a quick search on Google. My blog comes up. They send me an email and we're off and running. Anyway, here's excerpts from Ditzy's article.
Recently, on a mild October night I left the comfort and safety of my Lincoln Park home to pay a visit to one of the less frequented and less fortunate quarters of the city, the far northern neighborhood of Rogers Park. I grabbed my iPhone, my Apple Powerbook and a venti Starbucks (which I am sure no one in Rogers Park has ever heard of), jumped into my Chevy Tahoe and headed north. I reached the designated meeting spot, Cafe Ennui, on Sheridan Road. The neighborhood did not strike me as safe for walking around in (I saw some "ethnic diversity") and, unlike Lincoln Park, there was no valet parking so I left my trusty Tahoe in the middle of Sheridan Road*, and went in.
Was I glad I brought some Starbucks with me! Cafe Ennui is not part of a national chain. We'd certainly never have such a place in Lincoln Park. What a site. Sprawled out all over were old hippies and beatniks, sipping espresso, reading Jean-Paul Sartre (who I was forced to hear about when I took elementary French at Northern Illinois U.), smoking, typing away on non-Apple brand laptops and wearing berets. There I was welcomed by four of Rogers Park's leading bloggers, Braig Gernliver, Tomblogger Womannis, Jostle_Lynn and Shrill Morton.
Braig is the most important blogger in Rogers Park and maybe the whole world. He's the publisher of Hay Chicago magazine, the number 33 ranked alternative lifestyles publication in Chicago. Tomblogger doesn't work ("Affirmative action keeps me from getting that job I want. That and some post-traumatic stress conditions from when I fought side by side with Rush Limbaugh in 'Nam."). Shrill Morton works for Jonny Quest Network Services, a local business which shows the people of Rogers Park how to turn on their computers. Jostle_Lynn has the closest to a normal job of any of the four. She works downtown in an "office job" but she assures me that "a bunch of silly things like answering phones and filing papers" doesn't keep her away from the primary focus of her day, posting comments on Braig's blog telling him how great he is and what a wonderful service he provides for the community.
When our series returns these four bloggers will be telling us what a hellhole Rogers Park is and how their blogs provide a wonderful service to this poverty stricken third world slum on Chicago's northern border.
*If the Sun Times won't pay my tickets daddy better. His Princess doesn't walk anywhere she doesn't want too.
As you can imagine, I had lots of wise and insightful things to say to Ditzy McTrixie. Check back later when I will be posting parts 2 and 3 of her interview with Rogers Park's leading blogger and his friends.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
New Upscale Food And Wine Shop In Rogers Park
A new upscale food and wine shop called "Taste" opened this morning in Rogers Park. It's in the commercial district of Jarvis Avenue that goes by the name of "Jarvis Square". They have a selection of fine wines and various food items. My enemies are probably going to say that they're a quality business and a valuable addition to the neighborhood. I am not. I'm a Rogers Park anger blogger and my job is to say as many derogatory things as I can manage about the neighborhood. Anything said about Rogers Park that's not overwhelmingly negative might be construed as support for our worthless alderman, Joe NoMooreFoieGras and I wouldn't want that. I've been obsessing about Joey for years and I'm not about to stop now. He's the center of my life. So, I couldn't find anything bad about this new business but trust me, I will. In the mean time you can see them for yourself. They're located next door to Gruppo d'Amici at 1506 West Jarvis Avenue.
Blognotes: I want to remind everyone who says that I don't do anything for the neighborhood that it was me who complained about Cafe Suron when they opened, fought against the opening of the Morseland and am ready to fight against the new Morse Theater. Everyone else was ready to roll over and support these quality local businesses. If that's not contributing to the community I don't know what is.
Update: My former archenemy and new best friend, Tomblogger Womannis, returned from Taste even more upset than I am. He noticed that the "a" in the word "Taste" is done up to look like an Eiffel Tower. You all know how Republicans like Tomblogger have felt about the French ever since they had the audacity to claim that Iraq really had no weapons of mass destruction. Tomblogger went in saw that not only do they carry lots of wines from the land of Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys but they have wine made by those socialists in Argentina. He's really pissed. I'm off to help him calm down. We're going to buy some Freedom Wine from Soo Liquors and sit in front of the Jarvis El stop and drink it.
Blognotes: I want to remind everyone who says that I don't do anything for the neighborhood that it was me who complained about Cafe Suron when they opened, fought against the opening of the Morseland and am ready to fight against the new Morse Theater. Everyone else was ready to roll over and support these quality local businesses. If that's not contributing to the community I don't know what is.
Update: My former archenemy and new best friend, Tomblogger Womannis, returned from Taste even more upset than I am. He noticed that the "a" in the word "Taste" is done up to look like an Eiffel Tower. You all know how Republicans like Tomblogger have felt about the French ever since they had the audacity to claim that Iraq really had no weapons of mass destruction. Tomblogger went in saw that not only do they carry lots of wines from the land of Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys but they have wine made by those socialists in Argentina. He's really pissed. I'm off to help him calm down. We're going to buy some Freedom Wine from Soo Liquors and sit in front of the Jarvis El stop and drink it.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Rogers Park's Leading Blogger Leads Neighbors In Battle Against Soo Liquors South
I'm a little upset with Shrill Morton. You see last night was another one of Joe NoMooreFoieGras' infomercials. This time it was held at the Lake Shore School and it was for the owner of the 7-11 on Pratt Avenue to advertise the new Soo Liquors South that he's going to open up in his store. Some people hate Soo Liquors on Morse Avenue because of the smelly bums who loiter out in front. I hate them because they refused to give me a volume buyer discount. Anyway, Alderman Joey stated that he "wouldn't allow Soo Liquors South to open unless there was significant community support." If that doesn't sound like he's strongly in favor and in bed with 7-11 I don't know what does.
The meeting began with Joey's goon squad (which included Katy Hogan, Kelvin O'Neil and Jim Ginderske) swaggering into the room with Joey, looking all tough and menacing in black uniforms with truncheons in hand. A couple of people tried to speak out against the proposal and were quickly dragged from the auditorium. We don't know what happened to them but we could clearly hear screams of agony. My rival blogger and archenemy, Tomblogger Eastgard, stood up to give his usual typically wussy statement saying that if we're going to have Soo Liquors South could they at least provide a bar of complimentary soap with each purchase so that the loitering bums won't smell so bad. Joey laughed him out of the room and prepared to pull out his trusty rubber stamp. It was high time that I took control.
I leaped from my seat, unfazed by the goon squad. I took to the stage to deliver an impassioned speech on liberty, integrity and the joys of a Soo Liquors South free Rogers Park. I was on fire. The previously cowed crowd took their spirit from me and were on their feet shouting "NO MORE NOMOOREFOIEGRAS!" Jostle_Lynn whipped off the trench coat she had been wearing to reveal her old high school cheerleader outfit on underneath. She shook her pom poms while yelling "Give me a B! Give me an R! Give me an A!"... Tomblogger Womannis was yelling that the real name of the owner of the 7-11 is Abu Dunecoon and his store is nothing but a front for al Qaeda. White with fear, Joey, his goon squad and the hapless 7-11 owner fled into the night. Once again I save Rogers Park from Joey's evil designs.
Now why am I upset with Shrill Morton? When he should have been using that camera of his to capture one of the greatest of my many great moments he was in the men's room taking pictures of the urinal cakes. Way to go Shrill!
The meeting began with Joey's goon squad (which included Katy Hogan, Kelvin O'Neil and Jim Ginderske) swaggering into the room with Joey, looking all tough and menacing in black uniforms with truncheons in hand. A couple of people tried to speak out against the proposal and were quickly dragged from the auditorium. We don't know what happened to them but we could clearly hear screams of agony. My rival blogger and archenemy, Tomblogger Eastgard, stood up to give his usual typically wussy statement saying that if we're going to have Soo Liquors South could they at least provide a bar of complimentary soap with each purchase so that the loitering bums won't smell so bad. Joey laughed him out of the room and prepared to pull out his trusty rubber stamp. It was high time that I took control.
I leaped from my seat, unfazed by the goon squad. I took to the stage to deliver an impassioned speech on liberty, integrity and the joys of a Soo Liquors South free Rogers Park. I was on fire. The previously cowed crowd took their spirit from me and were on their feet shouting "NO MORE NOMOOREFOIEGRAS!" Jostle_Lynn whipped off the trench coat she had been wearing to reveal her old high school cheerleader outfit on underneath. She shook her pom poms while yelling "Give me a B! Give me an R! Give me an A!"... Tomblogger Womannis was yelling that the real name of the owner of the 7-11 is Abu Dunecoon and his store is nothing but a front for al Qaeda. White with fear, Joey, his goon squad and the hapless 7-11 owner fled into the night. Once again I save Rogers Park from Joey's evil designs.
Now why am I upset with Shrill Morton? When he should have been using that camera of his to capture one of the greatest of my many great moments he was in the men's room taking pictures of the urinal cakes. Way to go Shrill!
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Stick It To Corrupt 49th Ward Alderman -- Boycott Halloween
I spent last night doing some drinking at the Oasis. This is my bar of choice; since that nasty Brattly tossed me out of the Red Line Tap and ever since a knife wielding maniac at Duke's nearly disemboweled me-- causing such massive blood loss and pain that I could barely crawl home to blog about it. I was there with my former archenemy and new best friend, Tomblogger Womannis. Fellow blogger Shrill Morton was there also and he had a few drinks with us before heading into the men's room to take pictures of an unflushed toilet. Womannis and I are such good friends. It's hard to believe that less than a year ago Tomblogger was after me for sticking fliers promoting my blogs into the free newspapers that are distributed in Rogers Park while I was retaliating by sticking Ginderske campaign material into the same newspapers and then accusing Ol' Blue Eyes of stealing advertising.
When I drink with Tomblogger he usually babbles on and on about someone called "Billary" and some "Osama Obama" character and what a brave freedom fighter Ann Coulter is for saying that all the Jews should be perfected by becoming Christians. I don't pay too much attention to him because I don't see what any of this has to do with 49th ward alderman Joe NoMooreFoieGras. Anyway, last night Tomblogger said something that caught my attention.
He was saying how upset he was. Halloween is coming up and every true Republican knows that its a holiday for Satan. I was like "Wait a minute! Satan? Isn't he someone who's involved in Joey's crime and corruption in Rogers Park? Didn't Joe NoMooreFoieGras allow this Satan guy to work some of his evil in Rogers Park in exchange for a couple of tickets to an Ozzy Osbourne concert?" Womannis assured me that Phughy researched this carefully and it is true. Together we hatched a plan.
Instead of having Halloween we're going to have Blogoween for the children of Rogers Park. We're going to stick it to Joey by sticking it to his crony, Satan. Instead of a haunted house Tomblogger is going to turn his apartment into a "Hell House" that will scare the children by showing them what will happen to them if they learn about the Theory of Evolution in school, read Harry Potter books or vote for Joe NoMooreFoieGras. Then, instead of trick or treating the kiddies will get to go door to door passing out fliers for my blogs. Finally, this fun filled evening will conclude at Jonny Quest Network Services where Shrill Morton will have our guests bob for old computer parts and photos of Rogers Park's graffiti splattered buildings. If you don't think that this is the funnest evening ever you must be a NoMooreFoieGras voter.
Remember, on October 31st boycott Joe NoMooreFoieGras' favorite holiday of Halloween and instead celebrate Blogoween.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Alderman's Neglect of 49th Ward Destroys Couple's Love Life
If you don't believe that Joe NoMooreFoieGras is the worst Alderman on the Chicago city council read this email I received from Jostle_Lynn.
Braig,
I am so mad I could just spit. Yesterday I was telling Steve that its high time we move out of the hellhole that is Rogers Park. I want to move to a big McMansion in Naperville or a nice townhouse in Lincoln Park. I dream of being a soccer mom driving my Suburban Utility Vehicle with my cell phone in one hand and my Starbucks in the other hand. Steve, who is engaged in what he does best -- sitting in front of ESPN wearing nothing but his boxers, barely pays me any attention. When I finally get a response out of him he tells me that we can't afford to move out of the hell hole. He said that maybe when I was at the office I should spend more time working and less time writing comments for your blogs. He said if I actually did some real work we might be able to afford to move.
Well! I let him have it. I told Steve that I will absolutely not have sex with him until we move to Naperville or Lincoln Park and he buys me a new SUV and a new cell phone and a gift card for Starbucks. Steve grunted and scratched himself. I went to bed wearing socks, sweats and a mud pack. I'll show him!
Jostle_Lynn
There you have it. If Joe NoMooreFoieGras wasn't responsible for Rogers Park being the worst slum on earth Steve and Jostle_Lynn would be all happy lovey dovey in their two flat located just off the hell hole.
Blognotes: My former archenemy and new BFF, Tomblogger Womannis, informs me that he ran into Steve today. Steve asked him about inflatable girlfriends. I'm sure Tomblogger gave him some good advice.
Braig,
I am so mad I could just spit. Yesterday I was telling Steve that its high time we move out of the hellhole that is Rogers Park. I want to move to a big McMansion in Naperville or a nice townhouse in Lincoln Park. I dream of being a soccer mom driving my Suburban Utility Vehicle with my cell phone in one hand and my Starbucks in the other hand. Steve, who is engaged in what he does best -- sitting in front of ESPN wearing nothing but his boxers, barely pays me any attention. When I finally get a response out of him he tells me that we can't afford to move out of the hell hole. He said that maybe when I was at the office I should spend more time working and less time writing comments for your blogs. He said if I actually did some real work we might be able to afford to move.
Well! I let him have it. I told Steve that I will absolutely not have sex with him until we move to Naperville or Lincoln Park and he buys me a new SUV and a new cell phone and a gift card for Starbucks. Steve grunted and scratched himself. I went to bed wearing socks, sweats and a mud pack. I'll show him!
Jostle_Lynn
There you have it. If Joe NoMooreFoieGras wasn't responsible for Rogers Park being the worst slum on earth Steve and Jostle_Lynn would be all happy lovey dovey in their two flat located just off the hell hole.
Blognotes: My former archenemy and new BFF, Tomblogger Womannis, informs me that he ran into Steve today. Steve asked him about inflatable girlfriends. I'm sure Tomblogger gave him some good advice.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
'Broken Liver' Has Found Use For Under Employed Computer Geek
We neighborhood bloggers are often attacked by Joe NoMooreFoieGras supporters as a bunch of do-nothings who spend the entire day sitting around home in our tighty whities and beaters using our computers to complain and complain without ever actually doing anything to improve the neighborhood. Well, they couldn't be more wrong and I am going to show them. I'm going to provide a great opportunity for an under employed neighborhood computer geek to do something useful.
You all know Shrill Morton (who I sometimes affectionately refer to as Billy Boy More-a-ton)? He "works" for local business Jonny Quest Network Services. This is a struggling (as all business in the hell hole are) Rogers Park company that shows the many computer illiterates in the neighborhood how to turn on their computers and read the Broken Liver and find out how bad their life is in Rogers Park. Even though the people in Rogers Park aren't very smart, as is proven by the fact that they live here, Jonny Quest Network Services is struggling and poor Shrill Morton has little to do. With no real work he spends his days combing his hair, taking pictures of city workers who are as productive as he is and taking plenty of candid photographs of Rogers Park businesses which he uses to make the neighborhood look really bad. He posts all of these pictures on his "Rogers Park in One Trillion Words" blog. It's a good thing he's never photographed the store he works in. That would really show what a dump Rogers Park is.
Don't get me wrong. I like Shrill Morton. Even though he's got some wacky ideas, like restoring that old Adelphi Theater (who the hell would walk the crime plagued streets of Rogers Park to go to a theater?) Shrill as been a loyal reader of my blogs and he hates Rogers Park as much as I do. So here's what I'm going to do for this miserable sad case. I'm going to let him do some productive work for me.
I could let him redo the website for my Hay Chicago magazine. Lord knows it needs it. Not only does the thing look like a hold over from the '90s but half of it doesn't even work. But, my dedication to Rogers Park is exceeds running the business my father left me. I'm going to let Shrill work on my blog.
Last weekend when I was away being a big he man stud at a crotchcross race I couldn't post on my blog and this gave me an idea. If Shrill Morton puts his computer skills to use he can create some sort of program that will write my blog for me when I am away. It should be pretty easy to predict what I am going to say. I generally say the same things every day.
Get to work Shrill!
You all know Shrill Morton (who I sometimes affectionately refer to as Billy Boy More-a-ton)? He "works" for local business Jonny Quest Network Services. This is a struggling (as all business in the hell hole are) Rogers Park company that shows the many computer illiterates in the neighborhood how to turn on their computers and read the Broken Liver and find out how bad their life is in Rogers Park. Even though the people in Rogers Park aren't very smart, as is proven by the fact that they live here, Jonny Quest Network Services is struggling and poor Shrill Morton has little to do. With no real work he spends his days combing his hair, taking pictures of city workers who are as productive as he is and taking plenty of candid photographs of Rogers Park businesses which he uses to make the neighborhood look really bad. He posts all of these pictures on his "Rogers Park in One Trillion Words" blog. It's a good thing he's never photographed the store he works in. That would really show what a dump Rogers Park is.
Don't get me wrong. I like Shrill Morton. Even though he's got some wacky ideas, like restoring that old Adelphi Theater (who the hell would walk the crime plagued streets of Rogers Park to go to a theater?) Shrill as been a loyal reader of my blogs and he hates Rogers Park as much as I do. So here's what I'm going to do for this miserable sad case. I'm going to let him do some productive work for me.
I could let him redo the website for my Hay Chicago magazine. Lord knows it needs it. Not only does the thing look like a hold over from the '90s but half of it doesn't even work. But, my dedication to Rogers Park is exceeds running the business my father left me. I'm going to let Shrill work on my blog.
Last weekend when I was away being a big he man stud at a crotchcross race I couldn't post on my blog and this gave me an idea. If Shrill Morton puts his computer skills to use he can create some sort of program that will write my blog for me when I am away. It should be pretty easy to predict what I am going to say. I generally say the same things every day.
Get to work Shrill!
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Joe NoMooreFoieGras Loyalist Creates Shock And Outrage In Rogers Park
I was busy this morning taking pictures of the Red Line Tap. I want to show my loyal readers what a mess it is so that they all know Rogers Park is the worst slum on earth. I'm hard at work when that nasty tattoo covered, punk rocker, bar tender, "talent" booker Brattly comes out of the bar. He shouts "Hey Braig! If you want to show your readers something show them my new tattoo!" He turns around and drops his pants to reveal my face tattooed on his ass. Brattly gloats "Now I get to fart right in your face."
This is an outrage. The People of Rogers Park have had enough of Brattly's outrageous behavior. This past summer he and his nasty punk band, Roundsteak, took to the stage at the Glenwood Avenue Arts Fest to play an obscene song dedicated to me. It's a good thing that the only people at the poorly attended street fair were myself, failed aldermanic candidate Jim Ginderske (trying to look employed by passing out fliers to the non-existent crowd) and my rival blogger and archenemy, Tomblogger Eastgard (who was busy faking photos showing large crowds). Now Brattly is exposing his tattooed ass to me and dozens of Rogers Park children who were skipping school and hanging out around the Morse Avenue El Station.
I demand that Joe NoMooreFoieGras control his loyal supporter Brattly. I demand that Joey use some of the funds that he's stolen from us over the years to pay for removing the tattoo from Brattly's ass. This will not stand. I have half a mind to put on my pants and go up to Joey's office to give him a piece of my mind.
This is an outrage. The People of Rogers Park have had enough of Brattly's outrageous behavior. This past summer he and his nasty punk band, Roundsteak, took to the stage at the Glenwood Avenue Arts Fest to play an obscene song dedicated to me. It's a good thing that the only people at the poorly attended street fair were myself, failed aldermanic candidate Jim Ginderske (trying to look employed by passing out fliers to the non-existent crowd) and my rival blogger and archenemy, Tomblogger Eastgard (who was busy faking photos showing large crowds). Now Brattly is exposing his tattooed ass to me and dozens of Rogers Park children who were skipping school and hanging out around the Morse Avenue El Station.
I demand that Joe NoMooreFoieGras control his loyal supporter Brattly. I demand that Joey use some of the funds that he's stolen from us over the years to pay for removing the tattoo from Brattly's ass. This will not stand. I have half a mind to put on my pants and go up to Joey's office to give him a piece of my mind.
More Lies From Kelvin O'Neil
I'm back from a stunning success at my big crotchocross race this weekend. None of you losers in the filthy slum of Rogers Park would ever have what it takes to race crotchocross but if you saw me you'd be astounded at my magnificent manliness.
I'm back to blogging for all you pathetic people who never show proper appreciation for all I do for you. I've got updates on the mysterious disappearance of former aldermanic candidate Don Gordon and Joe NoMooreFoisGras's involvement in the kidnapping. The prime suspect continues to be Joey's henchman, little Kelvin O'Neil who sent the following message to 'The Broken Liver';
"Braig,
You seem to have been the victim of a practical joke. To the best of my knowledge Don Gordon is not missing. I most certainly have no involvement in any crime. I am not the "Kelvin O' who sent you the bogus ransom note. Believe it or not, there are people in the world who are not affiliated with, and who do not support, Joe NoMooreFoieGras who think you're a pathetic joke and think your blog is one of the most unintentionally hilarious things they’ve ever seen. You fancy yourself a journalist. I suggest you behave like a journalist and do a little investigation before tossing accusations.
Sincerely,
Kelvin O'Neil"
Who does this lying sack of shit think he is? Does he think us neighborhood bloggers are stupid enough to be taken in by a simple hoax? Does he think I'm going to let anyone treat me like the town drunk shouting at some slightly sleazy, somewhat lazy and a bit incompetent politician in a community meeting? No way in hell Kelvin! He's trying to say that we bloggers have no credibility. He's trying to say that we're shrill and sensationalistic. He's trying to say that our loyal readers are idiots for listening to us.
We aren't going to tolerate his lies. I'm going to do something. I'm calling my fellow bloggers. We'll blog about this. We'll show you Kelvin. We'll show you.
I'm back to blogging for all you pathetic people who never show proper appreciation for all I do for you. I've got updates on the mysterious disappearance of former aldermanic candidate Don Gordon and Joe NoMooreFoisGras's involvement in the kidnapping. The prime suspect continues to be Joey's henchman, little Kelvin O'Neil who sent the following message to 'The Broken Liver';
"Braig,
You seem to have been the victim of a practical joke. To the best of my knowledge Don Gordon is not missing. I most certainly have no involvement in any crime. I am not the "Kelvin O' who sent you the bogus ransom note. Believe it or not, there are people in the world who are not affiliated with, and who do not support, Joe NoMooreFoieGras who think you're a pathetic joke and think your blog is one of the most unintentionally hilarious things they’ve ever seen. You fancy yourself a journalist. I suggest you behave like a journalist and do a little investigation before tossing accusations.
Sincerely,
Kelvin O'Neil"
Who does this lying sack of shit think he is? Does he think us neighborhood bloggers are stupid enough to be taken in by a simple hoax? Does he think I'm going to let anyone treat me like the town drunk shouting at some slightly sleazy, somewhat lazy and a bit incompetent politician in a community meeting? No way in hell Kelvin! He's trying to say that we bloggers have no credibility. He's trying to say that we're shrill and sensationalistic. He's trying to say that our loyal readers are idiots for listening to us.
We aren't going to tolerate his lies. I'm going to do something. I'm calling my fellow bloggers. We'll blog about this. We'll show you Kelvin. We'll show you.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Kelvin O'Neil Is A Lying Sack Of Shit
Little Kelvin O'Neil is no different than his master, Alderman NoMooreFoieGras. Kelvin sent me an email claiming that he has nothing to do with the disappearance of Don Gordon. He had the audacity to claim that we neighborhood bloggers have been the victims of some merry prankster. What a lying sack of shit. Only someone affiliated with Joe NoMooreFoieGras would want to play a vicious joke on us bloggers. Therefore, Kelvin O'Neil, as an associate of Joey, is responsible. Don't think we're going to let you worm of the hook. You haven't heard the last of this from us.
Me and my crotch rocket are off to Colorado this weekend for an important crotchocross competition. I'll be back next week with lots of YouTube videos of the race that you can all oh and ah over.
Me and my crotch rocket are off to Colorado this weekend for an important crotchocross competition. I'll be back next week with lots of YouTube videos of the race that you can all oh and ah over.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Sorry Billy Boy Shoes Are For Throwing
Fellow blogger and Rogers Park's answer to Steve Jobs, Billy Boy More-a-ton has been blogging away telling everyone who reads his Trillion Words blog that the pairs of shoes we see dangling from power lines all over Rogers Park indicate that a crack house is near by. This might be an urban legend. It might be true. Crack houses in Rogers Park are as common as hysterical, sensationalistic blogs so if there are dangling shoes its a safe bet a crack house is close by.
Billy Boy has pictures of a pair of shoes hanging above the intersection of Glenwood and Touhy and a pair of shoes hanging on Jarvis, just east of Clark. Sorry Billy Boy but these shoes weren't tossed by crack dealers.
The shoes at Glenwood and Touhy were tossed yesterday morning by none other than myself and my former archenemy and new BFF, Tomblogger Womannis. We went to the beach yesterday morning where we found my rival blogger and archenemy, Tomblogger Eastgard shoveling sand. We kicked sand in his face and stole his shoes. Womannis and I had a good laugh about that as we shared a 40 ounce in front of the Morse Avenue El stop.
The shoes above Jarvis are an even better story. Back in May myself, Womannis and Boxing SheWoman were coming around the corner when who do we see? None other than little Nathan NoMooreFoieGras. The son of our worthless lying alderman was out campaigning for his daddy. Me and Womannis held him down while Boxing SheWoman pummeled him good. Then, we took his shoes and tossed them on the power line. Little Nathan ran crying back to Daddy Alderman's house on Fargo. Poor poor Nathan. Most children in Rogers Park don't have shoes . The only ones that do are gangbangers and hoodlets. Nathan is now back safe and sound at mommy's house in Evanston. We taught him good.
When Nathan got back to his daddy's house I wonder if Joey told him "Crime is down. Crime is down". Those shoes look pretty new and fresh considering they've been dangling all summer. They must be good quality shoes. I wonder how much Joe NoMooreFoieGras had to steal to pay for them?
Billy Boy has pictures of a pair of shoes hanging above the intersection of Glenwood and Touhy and a pair of shoes hanging on Jarvis, just east of Clark. Sorry Billy Boy but these shoes weren't tossed by crack dealers.
The shoes at Glenwood and Touhy were tossed yesterday morning by none other than myself and my former archenemy and new BFF, Tomblogger Womannis. We went to the beach yesterday morning where we found my rival blogger and archenemy, Tomblogger Eastgard shoveling sand. We kicked sand in his face and stole his shoes. Womannis and I had a good laugh about that as we shared a 40 ounce in front of the Morse Avenue El stop.
The shoes above Jarvis are an even better story. Back in May myself, Womannis and Boxing SheWoman were coming around the corner when who do we see? None other than little Nathan NoMooreFoieGras. The son of our worthless lying alderman was out campaigning for his daddy. Me and Womannis held him down while Boxing SheWoman pummeled him good. Then, we took his shoes and tossed them on the power line. Little Nathan ran crying back to Daddy Alderman's house on Fargo. Poor poor Nathan. Most children in Rogers Park don't have shoes . The only ones that do are gangbangers and hoodlets. Nathan is now back safe and sound at mommy's house in Evanston. We taught him good.
When Nathan got back to his daddy's house I wonder if Joey told him "Crime is down. Crime is down". Those shoes look pretty new and fresh considering they've been dangling all summer. They must be good quality shoes. I wonder how much Joe NoMooreFoieGras had to steal to pay for them?
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Alderman NoMooreFoieGras Henchman Implicated In Disappearance of Don Gordon
The flea crisis continues to spread in Rogers Park but the Broken Liver needs to take a break from covering that to blog about this major news story.
Rogers Park has been abuzz for weeks with speculation on the disappearance of former 49th Ward Aldermanic Candidate Don Gordon. The Lunt Avenue resident has not been seen in public since his close loss in the May run off election. Foul play has quickly become suspect.
The Gordon family has been keeping up a brave front the entire time, denying that Don is missing. They claim Don has been staying at an isolated cabin in Montana to fly fish and write his memoirs. A likely story.
Many in the community suspect that the Ginderske-NoMooreFoisGras forces have been at work. Billy Boy More-a-ton, author of the "Trillion Words" blog photographed an abandoned pair of Don Gordon size running shoes, covered in some mysterious reddish-brown liquid (undoubtedly blood) on the sidewalk in front of the store front office of my rival blogger and archenemy, former Ginderske campaign committee chair Tomblogger Eastgard. Billy Boy is convinced that "Eastie" is responsible for Gordon's disappearance.
I pointed out that it is unlikely that "Eastie" grabbed Gordon in front of his office as "Eastie" never actually goes to his office. However, being the diligent professional journalist that I am I tried to interview "Eastie" when I caught him illegally lurking around on a back porch on Lunt Avenue. He responded to my, as always, politely phrased questions by fleeing to the roof all the while screaming some incoherent nonsense about Nazis and Don Gordon being busy cloning Hitler in his basement lab.
Then the truth came out and this "anonymous" email message arrived here at the "Broken Liver"
"I have Don Gordon. He is my prisoner. If you want to see him alive give One Million Dollars to The Citizens To Reelect Joe NoMooreFoieGras. Read my blog at http://rptalks.blogspot.com/
Signed,
Kelvin O"
How could you ask for clearer proof? "Kelvin O" could only be Joe NoMooreFoieGras's henchman, Kelvin O'Neil. I smell deep dark trouble. Little Kelvin O'Neil has a lot of explaining to do.
Blognotes: Fellow bloggers Tomblogger Womannis and Sandy Duncan reported receiving the same message. Tomblogger Eastgard claimed to have received one also but he really just stole it from my blog.
Blognotes: What was "Eastie" doing lurking on a back porch on my block of Lunt Avenue? It's not like he can afford to live there. You know you're doing bad when you can't afford to live on my block of Lunt Avenue.
Rogers Park has been abuzz for weeks with speculation on the disappearance of former 49th Ward Aldermanic Candidate Don Gordon. The Lunt Avenue resident has not been seen in public since his close loss in the May run off election. Foul play has quickly become suspect.
The Gordon family has been keeping up a brave front the entire time, denying that Don is missing. They claim Don has been staying at an isolated cabin in Montana to fly fish and write his memoirs. A likely story.
Many in the community suspect that the Ginderske-NoMooreFoisGras forces have been at work. Billy Boy More-a-ton, author of the "Trillion Words" blog photographed an abandoned pair of Don Gordon size running shoes, covered in some mysterious reddish-brown liquid (undoubtedly blood) on the sidewalk in front of the store front office of my rival blogger and archenemy, former Ginderske campaign committee chair Tomblogger Eastgard. Billy Boy is convinced that "Eastie" is responsible for Gordon's disappearance.
I pointed out that it is unlikely that "Eastie" grabbed Gordon in front of his office as "Eastie" never actually goes to his office. However, being the diligent professional journalist that I am I tried to interview "Eastie" when I caught him illegally lurking around on a back porch on Lunt Avenue. He responded to my, as always, politely phrased questions by fleeing to the roof all the while screaming some incoherent nonsense about Nazis and Don Gordon being busy cloning Hitler in his basement lab.
Then the truth came out and this "anonymous" email message arrived here at the "Broken Liver"
"I have Don Gordon. He is my prisoner. If you want to see him alive give One Million Dollars to The Citizens To Reelect Joe NoMooreFoieGras. Read my blog at http://rptalks.blogspot.com/
Signed,
Kelvin O"
How could you ask for clearer proof? "Kelvin O" could only be Joe NoMooreFoieGras's henchman, Kelvin O'Neil. I smell deep dark trouble. Little Kelvin O'Neil has a lot of explaining to do.
Blognotes: Fellow bloggers Tomblogger Womannis and Sandy Duncan reported receiving the same message. Tomblogger Eastgard claimed to have received one also but he really just stole it from my blog.
Blognotes: What was "Eastie" doing lurking on a back porch on my block of Lunt Avenue? It's not like he can afford to live there. You know you're doing bad when you can't afford to live on my block of Lunt Avenue.
The Broken Liver Announces New Rules For Posting Comments
In the next couple of days (with a tiny bit of help from my former archenemy and new BFF, Tomblogger Womannis) I will be posting an important story which will shake Rogers Park to its decrepit foundations. This story is certain to attract lots of comments. So, it is necessary to set some rules for posting comments.
Anyone who comments without using their real name is a cowardly cur. The exception to this rule are people who hate Joe NoMooreFoieGras, love me and think Rogers Park is the worst slum in the world. You need to post anonymously. Joe NoMooreFoieGras and his pack of goons are vicious and will retaliate against people who tell the truth about them. If you want to post something I don't like you must use your real name, your address, all telephone numbers, your date of birth, your social security number and your mother's maiden name. That way myself, Tomblogger Womannis and Rogers Park's answer to Freida Foreman, Boxing SheWoman, can find you and explain to you why most people in Rogers Park agree with everything we say.
Blognotes: Thanks to all the concerned neighbors who called or emailed to ask about the well being of Tomblogger Womannis. He's doing much better today. He's still convinced that Tomblogger Eastgard is trying to build a sand barrier to stop General B. Trayus and his force of American Heroes. He doesn't believe that Wee Wee Tommyblogger was just shoveling sand off the concrete path in Loyola Park so that Joe NoMooreFoieGras can say what a great job he's doing of maintaining the parks. However, Womannis agrees with me that Tommyblogger is way to weak, nerdy and inept to construct an effective barrier and the incoming waves of Delta Force, the Navy Seals and Marines will not be slowed one bit. He did do a good job of clearing the concrete path. Womannis and I are heading down there in a few minutes to push sand back onto the path. That will show Tommyblogger. We might even kick sand on Tommyblogger.
Anyone who comments without using their real name is a cowardly cur. The exception to this rule are people who hate Joe NoMooreFoieGras, love me and think Rogers Park is the worst slum in the world. You need to post anonymously. Joe NoMooreFoieGras and his pack of goons are vicious and will retaliate against people who tell the truth about them. If you want to post something I don't like you must use your real name, your address, all telephone numbers, your date of birth, your social security number and your mother's maiden name. That way myself, Tomblogger Womannis and Rogers Park's answer to Freida Foreman, Boxing SheWoman, can find you and explain to you why most people in Rogers Park agree with everything we say.
Blognotes: Thanks to all the concerned neighbors who called or emailed to ask about the well being of Tomblogger Womannis. He's doing much better today. He's still convinced that Tomblogger Eastgard is trying to build a sand barrier to stop General B. Trayus and his force of American Heroes. He doesn't believe that Wee Wee Tommyblogger was just shoveling sand off the concrete path in Loyola Park so that Joe NoMooreFoieGras can say what a great job he's doing of maintaining the parks. However, Womannis agrees with me that Tommyblogger is way to weak, nerdy and inept to construct an effective barrier and the incoming waves of Delta Force, the Navy Seals and Marines will not be slowed one bit. He did do a good job of clearing the concrete path. Womannis and I are heading down there in a few minutes to push sand back onto the path. That will show Tommyblogger. We might even kick sand on Tommyblogger.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
The Consequences Of Joe NoMooreFoieGras's Neglect Of Rogers Park
I need to keep this one short today. My new BFF, Tomblogger Womannis, is having a crisis. Yesterday he saw our rival blogger and archenemy, Tomblogger Eastgard, shoveling sand on Loyola Beach. Even though I assured TW that “Eastie” was probably just working out trying to get buffed up in the hope that I would let him be a centerfold for my Hay Chicago magazine he was inconsolable. TW is convinced that "Eastie" is trying to build a sand barrier to stop the planned amphibious assault that his friend General B. Trayus and the U.S. military plan to carry out on Michael James and his smelly band of hippies at the Heartland Cafe. TW blogged about this in a guest blog entry a few days back. Before I head over to TW's here's your "Broken Liver" news for the day.
Joe NoMooreFoieGras's neglect of his ward is obvious from the plague of fleas that has infested Rogers Park. The problem originated when fleas were disturbed and forced to look for a new home by the stealth teardown of a historic dog house on North Shore Avenue. Yesterday loyal reader, Proartillary, reported that his family was infested with fleas. As of this morning I have heard from over 300 more Rogers Park families who are covered with fleas. This is all the fault of Joe NoMooreFoieGras and his politically connected developers.
The flea plague could easily be taken care of if we had a good dog wash in Rogers Park but we don't. Joe banned them claiming that dogs don't like baths and washing them is cruelty to animals. Now look what has happened.
Blognotes: Here's a statement from Proartillary. "You may think that because I can't afford a better place for my family than slummy Rogers Park that I'm some sort of joke but I'm really an Alpha Male. I am! I really am! I'm going to do something. You wait and see!"
Joe NoMooreFoieGras's neglect of his ward is obvious from the plague of fleas that has infested Rogers Park. The problem originated when fleas were disturbed and forced to look for a new home by the stealth teardown of a historic dog house on North Shore Avenue. Yesterday loyal reader, Proartillary, reported that his family was infested with fleas. As of this morning I have heard from over 300 more Rogers Park families who are covered with fleas. This is all the fault of Joe NoMooreFoieGras and his politically connected developers.
The flea plague could easily be taken care of if we had a good dog wash in Rogers Park but we don't. Joe banned them claiming that dogs don't like baths and washing them is cruelty to animals. Now look what has happened.
Blognotes: Here's a statement from Proartillary. "You may think that because I can't afford a better place for my family than slummy Rogers Park that I'm some sort of joke but I'm really an Alpha Male. I am! I really am! I'm going to do something. You wait and see!"
Monday, October 8, 2007
Stealth Teardown Destroys Part of Rogers Park's Architectural Heritage
Over the weekend, when us local bloggers are less alert, Rogers Park lost one more part of its priceless architectural heritage to the forces of rampant cronyism and over development. A historically significant doghouse located in the backyard of 1543 West North Shore Avenue was torn down in a secret, early Sunday morning demolition. For the benefit of ignorant readers, the importance of this classic Chicago bungalow style doghouse is that it is the birthplace of Dairyland Doo Doo, the fastest greyhound ever to race at the Dairyland dog track.
I was out on Sunday, hard at work performing the valuable public service of covering every light pole, newspaper box and car in Rogers Park with fliers for the Broken Liver. I returned home to thousands of frantic phone calls begging me to blog about this tragedy. There were so many messages that it took me a full 24 hours to listen to all of them and I am finally getting around to blogging.
This whole thing smells of corruption. Why was there no community meeting? What new construction is going on the site? How much money did the land owner, the developer, and the tear down contractor give to Joe NoMooreFoieGras? What precautions have been taken against explosions from ruptured gas lines? What environmental hazards do we face as a result of the demolition? Why is there no fence keeping neighborhood children from playing tractor on the demolition site? Come on Joe! Concerned citizens want to know.
BLOGNOTES: I spent a good part of the morning deleting threatening comments left on this blog by Mooreon car owners who objected to my using of their vehicles to advertise my important blog. If you don't like my fliers on your cars don't read the 'Broken Liver'. It's as simple as that.
BLOGNOTES: If anyone is tempted to doubt that the demolition is full of environmental hazards that threaten our well being then you can talk to loyal 'Broken Liver' reader Proartillary. He lives two doors away from the demolished house. He, and his entire family, are currently afflicted with fleas which no doubt came from the site of the demolished house. Proartillary said "when something threatens the safety and well being of my family I take action." Pay heed NoMooreFoieGras connected developers.
I was out on Sunday, hard at work performing the valuable public service of covering every light pole, newspaper box and car in Rogers Park with fliers for the Broken Liver. I returned home to thousands of frantic phone calls begging me to blog about this tragedy. There were so many messages that it took me a full 24 hours to listen to all of them and I am finally getting around to blogging.
This whole thing smells of corruption. Why was there no community meeting? What new construction is going on the site? How much money did the land owner, the developer, and the tear down contractor give to Joe NoMooreFoieGras? What precautions have been taken against explosions from ruptured gas lines? What environmental hazards do we face as a result of the demolition? Why is there no fence keeping neighborhood children from playing tractor on the demolition site? Come on Joe! Concerned citizens want to know.
BLOGNOTES: I spent a good part of the morning deleting threatening comments left on this blog by Mooreon car owners who objected to my using of their vehicles to advertise my important blog. If you don't like my fliers on your cars don't read the 'Broken Liver'. It's as simple as that.
BLOGNOTES: If anyone is tempted to doubt that the demolition is full of environmental hazards that threaten our well being then you can talk to loyal 'Broken Liver' reader Proartillary. He lives two doors away from the demolished house. He, and his entire family, are currently afflicted with fleas which no doubt came from the site of the demolished house. Proartillary said "when something threatens the safety and well being of my family I take action." Pay heed NoMooreFoieGras connected developers.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
The Broken Liver Thanks Hard Working Readers
We here at the Broken Liver would like to thank our hard working readers who take lots of time out of their work day to post comments on The Broken Liver of Rogers Park. We are lucky to have wonderful, loyal readers like Polar Coast and Jostle_Lynn (at least in her pre-demonic possession days) who stand up to domineering bosses who have the audacity to expect them to do some silly filing or answering of phone calls. It is far more important that they use the time that their boss is paying them for to be involved with their community and post comments on this blog telling me how wonderful I am.
The next time your boss complains about you reading and blogging during the work day you tell him you're not some lazy Pace "worker" sleeping in your car on Morse Avenue. You're wide awake and you are hard at work and if he doesn't let you read the "Broken Liver" on company time then Braig Gernliver will blog about him and does he want that?
The next time your boss complains about you reading and blogging during the work day you tell him you're not some lazy Pace "worker" sleeping in your car on Morse Avenue. You're wide awake and you are hard at work and if he doesn't let you read the "Broken Liver" on company time then Braig Gernliver will blog about him and does he want that?
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Irresponsible Parody Blog Makes Light Of Near Tragedy
These parody blogs that are popping up all over Rogers Park are getting out of hand. Sometimes they can be entertaining like this "The Bench" one which is clearly making fun of my new best friend Tomblogger Womannis. He deserves it. He used to mock me when he was the official filmographer for the Ginderske campaign.
When these parody blogs get out of hand its time for the legitimate bloggers of Rogers Park to speak up.
If you read my other blog you know that a major gas leak occurred on Morse Avenue when a Joe NoMooreFoieGras connected construction crew tearing down a house next to JB Albertos ruptured a gas line. "Tom Mannis" at "The Bench" http://rogersparkbench.blogspot.com/2007/10/alert-gas-leak-closes-morse-avenue.html makes light of this near disaster by claiming that it was really a minor leak and it happened when the construction crew happened upon an old gas line which had not been mapped by People's Gas. "Mannis" claims the fire department over reacted. "Mannis" claims that our lives were never in danger. "Mannis" fails to show suitable outrage that JB Albertos, a business that I have been hate blogging about for years, nearly destroyed all of Rogers Park by turning their pizza ovens back on before I had certified the disaster zone as safe.
You can tell this one is a parody because most of Tomblogger Womannis's blog is speculation on whether or not Ann Coulter wears panties under those short skirts of hers. This post tries to be a legitimate "news" story which Womannis never has on his blog. Parody blog all you want "Mannis". The people of Rogers Park are grateful that I saved their lives by taking my laptop and running into the midst of the gas leak to blog about the gas leak. You should have seen how uber-loyal reader "Far_GoChick" thanked me. That would have given you something to blog about.
When these parody blogs get out of hand its time for the legitimate bloggers of Rogers Park to speak up.
If you read my other blog you know that a major gas leak occurred on Morse Avenue when a Joe NoMooreFoieGras connected construction crew tearing down a house next to JB Albertos ruptured a gas line. "Tom Mannis" at "The Bench" http://rogersparkbench.blogspot.com/2007/10/alert-gas-leak-closes-morse-avenue.html makes light of this near disaster by claiming that it was really a minor leak and it happened when the construction crew happened upon an old gas line which had not been mapped by People's Gas. "Mannis" claims the fire department over reacted. "Mannis" claims that our lives were never in danger. "Mannis" fails to show suitable outrage that JB Albertos, a business that I have been hate blogging about for years, nearly destroyed all of Rogers Park by turning their pizza ovens back on before I had certified the disaster zone as safe.
You can tell this one is a parody because most of Tomblogger Womannis's blog is speculation on whether or not Ann Coulter wears panties under those short skirts of hers. This post tries to be a legitimate "news" story which Womannis never has on his blog. Parody blog all you want "Mannis". The people of Rogers Park are grateful that I saved their lives by taking my laptop and running into the midst of the gas leak to blog about the gas leak. You should have seen how uber-loyal reader "Far_GoChick" thanked me. That would have given you something to blog about.
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