My loyal toady Jostle_Lynn has told all of you that I'm a "likeable" guy which is of course true and I am going to prove it. The "Broken Liver" is going to sponsor a photography contest which will give all you losers a chance to feel like an important blogger for a day. The topic for this contest will be "Gooned In Joe NoMooreFoieGras's Hellhole".
If you've been reading my blogs as often as you should you'll know that sometimes I get idiots coming into the comments section and saying that my blogs are nothing but sensationalist hysteria. Rogers Park is not as dangerous as I say it is and they walk around without fear. My usual response is something along the lines of "I'll look forward to posting pictures of you on my blog after you've been gooned." And there you have the subject matter for this contest.
Why should I have to do all the work of going out and looking for subject matter? It's about time you lazy parasites pulled your weight around here. Your entries are to be pictures of gooning victims. There will be categories for aftermath pictures, event in progress shots, still shots and live shots. The winner will get their pictures posted on one of my blogs.
See what a likeable guy I am? I'm such a nice guy for sponsoring this contest.
Friday, November 9, 2007
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Update On The Planned Liberation Of Rogers Park
If you've been reading my blogs as carefully as you should you should remember that back in September I gave Tomblogger Womannis the privilege of writing a guest blog entry. He blogged about how he'd been telling is friend General B. Trayus, Supreme Commander of the U.S. Military forces in Iraq, about Michael James and his band of smelly hippies at the Heartland Cafe. The good general was eager to bring his troops over from Iraq to liberate Rogers Park from the tyranny of these smelly hippies. Well, two months have passed and no sign of amphibious landing craft on Loyola Beach. I asked Tomblogger "what gives?". He emailed General B. Trayus and here's the response;
Hoorah Tomblogger!
Great to hear from you. It's been a great day here in Iraq. Me and the boys have been having a lot of fun subjecting hajjis and dune coons to "aggressive interrogations". We're making real progress here. I know I've been saying this for the last four years but this time I'm positive. You can definitely plan on spending your Christmas vacation here in a safe and secure Iraq.
Now about me and the boys coming over there to the hellhole that is Rogers Park to take care of Michael James and his band of smelly hippies at the Heartland Cafe. Well, I have to tell you that we'd love to. We really would. Why, when the boys heard about that pornography Katy Hogan had hanging in the windows of her No Exit Cafe they couldn't wait to get there and smash those windows in the name of Jesus. But there's a couple of problems.
First of all, our Commander in Chief, George W. Bush, who's one of the finest human beings who's ever walked God's green earth, is telling me he may want me to take the boys on "Operation Iranian Freedom" where we'd go to Iran, shoot up a bunch more Hajjis, talk about securing weapons of mass destruction and look all tough and macho for the Fox News cameras. We may be pretty busy in the near future.
Second, there's the problem of these gnomes you keep telling me about. I've been reading the things they've been saying on your blogs and they sound like a dangerous bunch. Almost as bad as the Democrats. But the thing is, what if the gnomes jump into the fighting on the side of the smelly hippies? The boys have never trained to fight gnomes. Sure, we've got the finest army the world has ever seen. This was proven when we launched those stunning invasions of Panama and Grenada. But there's lots of risks in fighting gnomes. The boys might get injured and scarred. You wouldn't want that would you? There's an election coming up and who ever is going to be the Republican Party's candidate for President is going to need our Brave Young Men and Women looking fresh and healthy as they cheer him on at his campaign rallies. You wouldn't want another Bill Clinton in office now would you?
So, you're just going to have to be a good American and pull yourself up by your boot straps and take care of Michael James and the gnomes yourself. I'm sure you'll think of something. You've always been great at making things up.
Yours in Christ and G.W. Bush (who I think are one in the same),
General B. Trayus
Hoorah Tomblogger!
Great to hear from you. It's been a great day here in Iraq. Me and the boys have been having a lot of fun subjecting hajjis and dune coons to "aggressive interrogations". We're making real progress here. I know I've been saying this for the last four years but this time I'm positive. You can definitely plan on spending your Christmas vacation here in a safe and secure Iraq.
Now about me and the boys coming over there to the hellhole that is Rogers Park to take care of Michael James and his band of smelly hippies at the Heartland Cafe. Well, I have to tell you that we'd love to. We really would. Why, when the boys heard about that pornography Katy Hogan had hanging in the windows of her No Exit Cafe they couldn't wait to get there and smash those windows in the name of Jesus. But there's a couple of problems.
First of all, our Commander in Chief, George W. Bush, who's one of the finest human beings who's ever walked God's green earth, is telling me he may want me to take the boys on "Operation Iranian Freedom" where we'd go to Iran, shoot up a bunch more Hajjis, talk about securing weapons of mass destruction and look all tough and macho for the Fox News cameras. We may be pretty busy in the near future.
Second, there's the problem of these gnomes you keep telling me about. I've been reading the things they've been saying on your blogs and they sound like a dangerous bunch. Almost as bad as the Democrats. But the thing is, what if the gnomes jump into the fighting on the side of the smelly hippies? The boys have never trained to fight gnomes. Sure, we've got the finest army the world has ever seen. This was proven when we launched those stunning invasions of Panama and Grenada. But there's lots of risks in fighting gnomes. The boys might get injured and scarred. You wouldn't want that would you? There's an election coming up and who ever is going to be the Republican Party's candidate for President is going to need our Brave Young Men and Women looking fresh and healthy as they cheer him on at his campaign rallies. You wouldn't want another Bill Clinton in office now would you?
So, you're just going to have to be a good American and pull yourself up by your boot straps and take care of Michael James and the gnomes yourself. I'm sure you'll think of something. You've always been great at making things up.
Yours in Christ and G.W. Bush (who I think are one in the same),
General B. Trayus
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Wedding Bells To Ring Out In Rogers Park
At last and no thanks to Joe NoMooreFoieGras, there will be some joy in the dreary neighborhood of Rogers Park. Our own Jostle_Lynn is getting married. Here is the email I received from her.
"Braig,
I am delighted to be able to tell you that not only are Steve and I officially engaged but I will soon be getting the hell out of the hell that is Rogers Park!
Refusing to have sex with Steve until he agreed to move out of Rogers Park wasn't working. He seemed happy. He had more time to sit in his boxers in front of the tv watching ESPN. I tried other ways of getting the money to move. In a fit of desperation that only a reader of your blogs could understand, I actually posed nude for Katy Hogan's "works of art" that are hanging in the windows of the No Exit Cafe. How could I know it would end up looking like graffiti? How could I know that when she said she'd "pay me what I was worth" she meant two free passes to the 'Roundsteak' show at the Red Line Tap?
Then I got a brilliant idea. Marriage was the key to moving to some place I could call a good neighborhood.
I spiked Steve's dinner with Viagra and put on my best Victoria's Secret. Soon, Steve's boxer shorts were off and in the post-coital bliss he agreed to marry me. How will this get me out of Rogers Park you may ask?
Well, the key is the wedding gifts. I prefer money over goods that I will have to schlep back to Macy's but if I have to do so I will. I am determined to collect enough wedding gifts to put a substantial down payment on a Lincoln Park condo. We're having a HUGE wedding. I've even hired a private detective to track down grade school classmates and hit them up with an invitation.
Steve and I are going to have a fabulous spare no expense wedding, a wonderful sun splashed honeymoon and then, the day we return home, I am tossing the divorce papers in Steve's face and moving to Lincoln Park. In fact, I already have them filled out and ready to go. What judge would deny me the divorce I want in the way I want? If forcing one's spouse to live in a neighborhood like this doesn't constitute cruelty and mental anguish I don't know what does.
I feel so clever,
Love,
Jostle_Lynn"
Blognotes: Yours truly is helping with the all important task of getting the guest list together for what will be the Rogers Park social event of the year -- after the fourth anniversary of my other blog of course. The following people are NOT invited: Tomblogger Eastgard, Joe NoMooreFoieGras, Nathan NoMooreFoieGras, Kelvin O'Neil, Katy Hogan, Michael James, Brattly, Kimberly Bareass, all Hay Chicago employees, David FAGus. James Ginderske is not invited to the wedding but Jostle_Lynn does want him to be at her bachelorette party clad in nothing more than his work boots, hard hat and tool belt. Anyone who pisses me off between now and then wedding will not be invited. You've been warned.
"Braig,
I am delighted to be able to tell you that not only are Steve and I officially engaged but I will soon be getting the hell out of the hell that is Rogers Park!
Refusing to have sex with Steve until he agreed to move out of Rogers Park wasn't working. He seemed happy. He had more time to sit in his boxers in front of the tv watching ESPN. I tried other ways of getting the money to move. In a fit of desperation that only a reader of your blogs could understand, I actually posed nude for Katy Hogan's "works of art" that are hanging in the windows of the No Exit Cafe. How could I know it would end up looking like graffiti? How could I know that when she said she'd "pay me what I was worth" she meant two free passes to the 'Roundsteak' show at the Red Line Tap?
Then I got a brilliant idea. Marriage was the key to moving to some place I could call a good neighborhood.
I spiked Steve's dinner with Viagra and put on my best Victoria's Secret. Soon, Steve's boxer shorts were off and in the post-coital bliss he agreed to marry me. How will this get me out of Rogers Park you may ask?
Well, the key is the wedding gifts. I prefer money over goods that I will have to schlep back to Macy's but if I have to do so I will. I am determined to collect enough wedding gifts to put a substantial down payment on a Lincoln Park condo. We're having a HUGE wedding. I've even hired a private detective to track down grade school classmates and hit them up with an invitation.
Steve and I are going to have a fabulous spare no expense wedding, a wonderful sun splashed honeymoon and then, the day we return home, I am tossing the divorce papers in Steve's face and moving to Lincoln Park. In fact, I already have them filled out and ready to go. What judge would deny me the divorce I want in the way I want? If forcing one's spouse to live in a neighborhood like this doesn't constitute cruelty and mental anguish I don't know what does.
I feel so clever,
Love,
Jostle_Lynn"
Blognotes: Yours truly is helping with the all important task of getting the guest list together for what will be the Rogers Park social event of the year -- after the fourth anniversary of my other blog of course. The following people are NOT invited: Tomblogger Eastgard, Joe NoMooreFoieGras, Nathan NoMooreFoieGras, Kelvin O'Neil, Katy Hogan, Michael James, Brattly, Kimberly Bareass, all Hay Chicago employees, David FAGus. James Ginderske is not invited to the wedding but Jostle_Lynn does want him to be at her bachelorette party clad in nothing more than his work boots, hard hat and tool belt. Anyone who pisses me off between now and then wedding will not be invited. You've been warned.
Chicago Sun Times Interviews Rogers Park Bloggers
(Part 3 0f 3)
Here's the last installment of when me and some of the other neighborhood bloggers told ace Sun Times reporter, Ditzy McTrixie, what a mouldering pile of garbage our neighborhood is.
I sat in the decidedly non-Starbucks ambiance of Cafe Ennui. I reflected on what a sad and boring life these poor Rogers Park people must have living in their hellhole without a Starbucks or even a Caribou Coffee to bring some joy into their dreary lives. But I don't want to conclude this story without trying to bring a glimmer of hope so I asked the four bloggers what they hope to accomplish by blogging.
Briag Gernliver stated that "My primary goal is to get as much attention as possible. Everyone should be looking at me because I deserve it. And, well, I've been pretty successful at that. My blogs are the most read ones on the planet. And when I get bored with blogging about Rogers Park I just might move elsewhere and blog about what a hellhole my new neighborhood is. My blog is really pretty generic. Its all about saying bad things about where I live and I can easily translate it to a new community and bash that community too."
Tomblogger Womannis's goal is to become an important figure in the national Republican party. He's hoping to be the next Carl Rove. He hopes that his blog will catch the attention of party leaders. "If W, Rudy, Arnold, Ann, Rush and Rupert see what a hellhole I live in they're sure so realize what a bad-ass dude tough guy I am and deem me worthy for a national post in the party. I'd never lower myself to taking some unimportant local post. I'm going for the top." declared Womannis.
Jostle_Lynn said "I really don't hope to accomplish anything with my blog. I just started it because everyone else had one so I thought I should too. I don't post much to it and not many people read it which is as it should be. I spend way more time posting comments on Braig's blog and that is the one people should be reading. Everyone should read Braig's blog at least 10 times a day."
Shrill Morton's response to my query was "You want me to have a goal? Why should I have a goal? No way! My old girlfriend was always after me to do things like get a real job and have a goal and I told her to go to hell. Bitch."
Braig concluded our interview by saying that "It's great that you've come up here to let us talk about how much we hate where we live. That will show Joe NoMooreFoieGras. It's wonderful that you let me be the voice of Rogers Park because, while most of the pikers here have never heard of me I deserve to speak for the community because I just do."
That's Ditzy's article for you. How much do you want to bet the Joey isn't going to do anything to fix the stuff we complained about? How much do you want to bet that he didn't even read the article?
Here's the last installment of when me and some of the other neighborhood bloggers told ace Sun Times reporter, Ditzy McTrixie, what a mouldering pile of garbage our neighborhood is.
I sat in the decidedly non-Starbucks ambiance of Cafe Ennui. I reflected on what a sad and boring life these poor Rogers Park people must have living in their hellhole without a Starbucks or even a Caribou Coffee to bring some joy into their dreary lives. But I don't want to conclude this story without trying to bring a glimmer of hope so I asked the four bloggers what they hope to accomplish by blogging.
Briag Gernliver stated that "My primary goal is to get as much attention as possible. Everyone should be looking at me because I deserve it. And, well, I've been pretty successful at that. My blogs are the most read ones on the planet. And when I get bored with blogging about Rogers Park I just might move elsewhere and blog about what a hellhole my new neighborhood is. My blog is really pretty generic. Its all about saying bad things about where I live and I can easily translate it to a new community and bash that community too."
Tomblogger Womannis's goal is to become an important figure in the national Republican party. He's hoping to be the next Carl Rove. He hopes that his blog will catch the attention of party leaders. "If W, Rudy, Arnold, Ann, Rush and Rupert see what a hellhole I live in they're sure so realize what a bad-ass dude tough guy I am and deem me worthy for a national post in the party. I'd never lower myself to taking some unimportant local post. I'm going for the top." declared Womannis.
Jostle_Lynn said "I really don't hope to accomplish anything with my blog. I just started it because everyone else had one so I thought I should too. I don't post much to it and not many people read it which is as it should be. I spend way more time posting comments on Braig's blog and that is the one people should be reading. Everyone should read Braig's blog at least 10 times a day."
Shrill Morton's response to my query was "You want me to have a goal? Why should I have a goal? No way! My old girlfriend was always after me to do things like get a real job and have a goal and I told her to go to hell. Bitch."
Braig concluded our interview by saying that "It's great that you've come up here to let us talk about how much we hate where we live. That will show Joe NoMooreFoieGras. It's wonderful that you let me be the voice of Rogers Park because, while most of the pikers here have never heard of me I deserve to speak for the community because I just do."
That's Ditzy's article for you. How much do you want to bet the Joey isn't going to do anything to fix the stuff we complained about? How much do you want to bet that he didn't even read the article?
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