Rogers Park Residents Demand Better Security At Community Meetings

My BFF, Tomblogger Womannis, were talking last night over drinks at the Oasis. Of course the shootings at Northern Illinois University came up. Tomblogger is furious because these liberal tree hugging politically correct colleges don't have armed guards in every class room, metal detectors at every entrance and they don't let the law abiding students carry AK-47 assault rifles. He's almost as angry about this as he is about Heather Steans keeping him away from some free booze when she kicked him out of her dismal victory party.

I told Tomblogger that this is no different than one of Joe NoMooreFoisGras neighborhood propaganda meetings. There's no armed guards. There's no metal detectors. Me and Womannis aren't allowed to execise our constitutionally guaranteed right to come in with grenade launchers. Our lives are in danger. We're pretty outraged about it.

We got on the phone real fast with neighborhood security experts ProArtillary and STINKJAR. They hurried over to the Oasis to join us for an important meeting on improved security and community meetings. We drafted a security plan that will protect the safety of important neighborhood bloggers and their loyal toadies when coming to Joe NoMooreFoieGras's super dangerous community propaganda sessions. We want armed guards from Blackwater World Wide, background checks, body cavity searches and every law abiding citizen required to be packing heat. Now none of this is going to happen until Joe NoMooreFoieGras' dictatorial regime is overthrown so in the interim Me, Womannis, STINKJAR and ProArtillary are going to form an armed security detachment to protect the lives of Rogers Park residents at community meetings. We're open to any other gun totting citizen who wants to join us. Anytime there's going to be one of Joey's community propaganda meetings we'll grab our guns and meet two hours beforehand at the Oasis to review the security plan for the meeting.

The lives of the residents of Rogers Park are now safe!

Blogentines Day Celebration!

What a difference a year makes! Less than twelve months ago Tomblogger Womannis and I were at each others' throats. The 49th Ward was in the midst of a hotly contested campaign for alderman. Tomblogger was volunteering for the campaign of James Ginderske (a "man" who used to be a friend of mine until he failed to make me his campaign director). I was knocking all the candidates and being coy about who I was going to support. Womannis and I were busy flinging virtual poo at one another. He was calling me a drunk and insinuating that I harbor latent homosexual longings for the handsome, macho, hairy chested James Ginderske. I was striking back by doing everything I could to sabotage the Ginderske campaign while calling their campaign headquarters to demand they reign in Womannis. It was awful. If a certain 49th Ward voter thinks she has it bad then she aint seen nothing.

But that was last year and this is this year. The campaign is over. Womannis and I both got stuck supporting Don Gordon even though we had been trashing his daughter at one point. Gordon lost the election but that doesn't matter because Womannis and I are now the best of friends. The two BFF's are going to have a party to celebrate our anniversary.

It hasn't been a whole year for us but we just couldn't wait. Thursday, February 14 is the day that the world celebrates as Valentines Day except we in Rogers Park who celebrate Blogentines Day. Could there be a better day for a celebration of our friendship? Why wait a couple more weeks until the actual anniversary of the beginning of our friendship? Besides, Womannis is worried that our rival blogger and archenemy, Tomblogger Eastgard, and his Revolutionary Democrat Communist Party is going to take over Rogers Park and send us to separate labor camps.

Our Blogentines Day celebration will commence at 9:00 pm at the Oasis and you are invited. Jostle_Lynn is making a special anniversary cake. Shrill Morton has promised a special slide show of photographs commemorating our friendship. He better not slip in any of his notorious pictures of piss and poo in the Morse Avenue El Station. Don't miss the chance to buy me and Tomblogger drinks, tell us how much our blogs do for the neighborhood and be bathed in the glow of our happiness. If you're going to attend put your name in the comments section. Tomblogger and I want a count of how many people are coming so we know how many drinks we're going to have purchased for us. We want to pace ourselves.

The following people are not invited. James Ginderske, Katy Hogan, Michael James, Tomblogger Eastgard, Joe NoMooreFoieGras, Nathan NoMooreFoieGras, David FAGus, Don Gordon's Party Girl Daughter, Cowardly Authors Of Anonymous Parody Blogs, Amy Carlson, Brattly (That Foul Bartender From The Red Line Tap) And Any Other Member Of His Roundsteak Band, Mo Cahill, Paradise, Natas Reficul, DorothyParker007, Mark Fletcher, Heather Steans.

Rogers Park Garden Group Meeting Minutes

Since it was my turn to maintain the tail on commie radical Tomblogger Eastgard I was not able to attend last night's meeting of that nefarious Republican Party front organization otherwise known as the Rogers Park Garden Group. Loyal toady Pamola Van Bison took the minutes so I can share them with you, my blog readers. Here they are.

Braig,

We had a good meeting for the Rogers Park Garden Group last night. As you can imagine, most of the meeting was taken up with Jostle_Lynn presenting STINKJAR with the Golden Toady Award. The meeting attendees applaud you for your civic mindedness and look forward to hosting the awards ceremony next year. Don Gordon and Michael Harrington were in attendance, looking resplendent in new white robes and conical hoods. They had to leave early as they had a cross burning to attend.

The main item of business is what sort of flowers are acceptable in the gardens of Rogers Park. This prompted much discussion on the types of flowers that are the most patriotic. One attendee suggested that we ban tulips as they came from Turkey, a Muslim country. Others argued that we shouldn't ban tulips as they came to the United States from the Netherlands which was a member of the Coalition Of The Willing whose brave young men and woman swarmed into Iraq kicking plenty of dune coon ass as soon as they were assured that American forces had disarmed the hajis. Either way, any French flowers are most definitely banned. We aren't sure what types of flowers are French but if we catch anyone planting French flowers they can expect a less than friendly visit from the FBI and the Department of Homeland Security. It was decided that all flowers in Rogers Park must be red, white or blue. And don't think commie radicals like Katy Hogan or James Ginderske are going to get away planting beds of flowers entirely in the bright red of the Sovier Union. The RPGG has declared that not only must all flowers planted in Rogers Park be red, white or blue but the beds must contain exactly the same color proportions as those of the American flag.

That's it for now. Sorry you couldn't make it. I hope to see you next month.

Pamola

Forgetfulness And Inconsistency In Rogers Park

Rogers Park bloggers and blog readers are an inconsistent and forgetful bunch and I am thankful for that. If this were not true I would not hold the role of most popular and respected blogger in the neighborhood. My BFF, Tomblogger Womannis, is going after my archenemy and rival blogger, Tomblogger Eastgard, for slandering the good and decent Don Gordon. He forgets that back in the fall of 2006, when the Ginderske for Alderman campaign, for which Eastgard was the chair and for which Womannis was a volunteer, wanted to spread some dirt on Don Gordon's daughter they turned to me, Womannis's best friend, who was happy to trash this young woman on my blog. He forgets that it was me who spent the first months of the Aldermanic campaign making snide comments about Don Gordon at every opportunity. Eastgard is calling me a Nazi but he wasn't doing so on that fateful night back in 2006 when he called for my help in trashing Don Gordon's family. Eastgard tries to tie Michael Harrington and me together forgetting that there was a time when I was ripping into Harrington for the failure of his 2002 Aldermanic campaign and for some money he allegedly owes me (pay up you bastard). Womannis calls Eastgard and Ginderske communists who are out to establish a totalitarian dictatorship, conveniently forgetting that a year ago he and Eastie were working together making propaganda films aimed at getting Commissar Ginderske elected as Alderman for the 49th Ward.

This is all pretty good but I have to say that the award for inconsistency and forgetfulness goes to my Number One Fan Jostle_Lynn.

Back in November of 2006 Jostle_Lynn wrote on my blog "I don't agree with you that just because one has a blog, they are 'fair game' to nastiness. That's like saying, 'Well, she walked outside, so she was fair game to be hit with a flying tomato.' How does that make sense? Just because one states an opinion, doesn't mean there can be no regard for manners, but then I should know better because of what I read here all the time." Now you could say that this perfectly fits the situation of one 49th Ward voter who had the audacity to fight back after Wommanis and I started dissing her but we haven' heard a peep out of Jostle_Lynn. She's been quick to jump onto the blogs when party crasher Womannis gets kicked out of Heather Steans victory celebration or when some voice of dissent comes onto the blog comments section without having a full blogger profile but despite her statements of two years ago she's giving one 49th Ward voter no support. Thank you Jostle_Lynn!!! It's you and people that share your principles who keep my blog going.

You're Not Heartless Bastards, Right?

That headline is a direct question from mentally challenged 49th Ward voter Amy Carlson. Any doubts that she's the dumbest person on the planet should be erased by this question. Of course Tomblogger Womannis and I are heartless bastards. That's why everyone reads my blog. How could you ask such an obvious question?

Let me spell it out for you Amy Airhead. My blog readers like to pretend that they are all high minded and are reading my blog to get important news stories about Rogers Park that aren't covered elsewhere. Well, in case you haven't noticed my "news" stories are either wild distortions, outright lies, material plagiarized from other sources or so biased as to be useless. No, the reason why my readers come to my blog is to laugh along with me at hapless targets such as yourself. Anyone who legitimately cares about the neighborhood in which they live would not be giving me encouragement to continue blogging by leaving comments thanking me for the great service I perform for the community. Amy Honey, my readers are even more heartless than I am.

Moreover, my readers are as stupid as they are mean and bitter. If you look at my other blog you will see how I am now holding you hostage to David FAGus coming clean over this case of electoral fraud. Either FAGus admits he is a criminal or you continue to get sprayed with the contents of the exploding septic tank that is the blogs of Rogers Park on a daily basis. And you know what? It's going to work. It may seem obvious and perverted to you but can you imagine some mindless piece of fluff like Jostle_Lynn or a pompous buffoon like Laura Loserzader seeing through it? You'll see Tomblogger Eastgard and Tomblogger Womannis kissing passionately before that happens.

Tomblogger Eastgard is a moron but he's right about one thing. In a few short days all of your supporters will have forgotten you and will be back to singing my praises as I blog the "important news stories" that are nothing more than an excuse to swing sucker punches at the new Amy Carlson du Jour.

Cheers!

Rogers Park Garden Group To Host First Annual Golden Toady Awards

Sadly in recent days the neighborhood blogs have been plagued by retarded idiots who have forgotten what reading the blogs is all about. I've been the victim of cruel and unfair criticism. When attacked I fight back. But, I am a very public spirited individual. I like to do positive things for the community. One positive thing I can do is educate the mental defectives in Rogers Park as to what reading the blogs is all about. I spend at least an hour of my day making up stories for my blog as a service to you and you need to show me some gratitude. You need to kiss my ass.

In that spirit I have created the Golden Toady Award which will be given to the blog reader who best exemplifies what being a blog reader is all about.

I know that you are thinking that the winner of this year's award will be none other than the lovely Jostle_Lynn. I don't blame you. She tries to maintain a facade of being a caring and committed neighbor but she laughs and applauds when Womannis and I act like a couple of chimpanzees at the zoo flinging our poo at unsuspecting visitors. If anyone says anything the least bit critical of us she is on them like stink on shit but she never says anything against us no matter how ridiculous we act.

If this is what you are thinking you are wrong. Jostle_Lynn has asked to not be given the award. The modest Jostle_Lynn wants it to go to someone else so that she can serve as the award presenter.

So, the winner of this year's Golden Toady Award is none other than our own STINKJAR. You don't know much about STINKJAR. He's got a blogger profile (unlike some anonymous haters around here) but there's nothing in it. I don't know much about him either but I know what I need to know. STINKJAR weeps when I tell him to weep. He laughs when I tell him to laugh. He agrees with everything I say even when what I said today contradicts what I said yesterday. He's exactly the sort of mindless dummy that a blog reader should be. Best of all, STINKJAR has no understanding of the use of the shift key. His spelling and grammar skills could only have been cultivated in one of Joe NoMooreFoieGras' 49th ward schools. His mastery of the English language makes me look like Virginia Woolf in comparison. Finally, STINKJAR is just a mean and nasty person. Many readers try and pretend they come to my blog looking for community news while secretly laughing along with me at the targets of my mockery and cruelty. STINKJAR would never dream of being such a hypocrite. It's no secret that he's about as nice as Ebola Virus. Congratulations STINKJAR. Your comments are voluminous but your wisdom is vacuous.

The Rogers Park Garden Group is meeting at 7:00 pm at Charmers Cafe. Jostle_Lynn plans to commandeer the meeting to present the Golden Toady Award to STINKJAR whether the attendees want to listen or not. So, if you're there (and you better be) listen respectfully and applaud enthusiastically. Me and Womannis will be monitoring behavior for any signs of disrespect and you know what happens to people who cross us.

A Call To Civility

In the past few days things have been about as mean as they can get in the Rogers Park blogosphere. It's high time to change the tone around here. Everyone needs to carefully read what super-toady and author of the Rogers Park Neighbor blog, Jostle_Lynn, has written.

Everyone,

I've been taking a sabbatical from blogging. Other than keeping the usual suspects in line and the occasional sycophantic comment I've been silent for weeks. However, I still read the blogs and the meanness I have seen in the past week has forced me to write.

I believe an important lesson in politics (and life)is to maintain public civility with one's enemies. People can disagree passionately, but respect should remain. Too many people don't seem to keep to that. We've seen insult piled upon insult and it has to end. Braig Gernliver and Tomblogger Womannis have taken way too much abuse over the past few days. The worst thing about it is all they tried to do is help one of our more unfortunate neighbors see her flaws so that she could improve herself.

I learned an important lesson early in life. In my youth I was a pretty, smart and popular girl. My Daddy doted on me. My teachers loved me. In high school I was head cheerleader. I dated the star quarterback. I was the leader of the "in" girls. Life was wonderful. I could have easily sat on my laurels and neglected the boys and girls who were less fortunate than I. It would have been so easy to let them wallow in their own stupidity, geekiness and ugliness. But, I've never been one to take the easy road.

Rather than ignoring my dorky classmates I helped them to grow and improve themselves by pointing out their flaws. If they weren't made aware of their faults how could they correct them? Not only did I do this but I inspired the group of girls of which I was the leader to do the same. We used both humor and direct criticism to inform our classmates of their shortcomings. Admittedly things weren't always easy for those in need of our assistance. It never is easy to have one's flaws pointed out Sometimes there were tears and hurt feelings. I expect a certain 49th Ward voter is feeling much the same right now. Well, the geeky kids, under our stern but loving tutelage grew and improved and a certain 49th Ward Voter can too.

I so love Tomblogger and Braig. They remind me of the girls I was friends with in high school. Well, maybe they are fatter and hairier and they always smell like we did on the morning after one of our many "my parents are away for the weekend" house parties but the same spirit is there. They've given so much to the community. I want them shown the appreciation they deserve and not the jeers they have received.

Sincerely,

Jostle_Lynn

Well said Jostle_Lynn. This is the start of a new week. Let's begin it with improved behavior on the neighborhood blogs.

Rogers Park's Second Most Prominent Citizen Calls Out Amy Carlton

I told Amy Carlton, the idiot victim of the "magic pen" voting incident that we neighborhood bloggers were not finished with her. She messed with the wrong people and we are going to get her. Sure enough. My bff, Tomblogger Womannis, weighed in today on Amy's alleged stupidity. He ripped her good. Womannis is someone that should be listened to. After me he's the most prominent citizen of Rogers Park. He compares himself to Ben Franklin, one of America's most illustrious citizens, living or dead.

Ben Franklin was a signer of the Declaration of Independence, a delegate to the Constitutional Convention, the country's first postmaster, a respected diplomat, a renowned scientist, the founder of Philadelphia's public library and fire department, a journalist, a founder of the University of Pennsylvania and a humorist.

Tomblogger Womannis is a booze hound with access to the internet. I see a strong resemblance. Do you?

Neighborhood Bloggers To Sponsor Community Children's Movie Night

If you read my other blog as you should you will know about Alderman NoMooreFoieGras's totally lame movie night. I told people not to go because there will be lots of screaming hyper-active children who's all been fed poisonous amounts of sugar by our aldercreature. I told people to instead go oh and awe over my nephew's performance at the winter skate event which I organized. The usual flock of bleating sheep who read and comment on my blog showed up to give Patrick and me the appropriate worshipful gaze.

After the skate event got to talking over a few drinks at the Oasis and decided that we Rogers Park bloggers should sponsor a community children's movie night. We'd do a much better job of organizing a movie night than Joe NoMooreFoieGras and rather than encouraging the bastard children of Alderman Povertypimp's voters to run wild we'd teach them to act like the civilized human beings that we are. Now before we can schedule the movie night and pick a location we have to decide which movie we are going to show. This prompted lots of spirited discussion.

Shrill Morton wants to show "Tron" because he says its the greatest computer movie ever made. He watches it at least once a week and learned how to do his job from it. Tomblogger Womannis immediately dissed that idea. He said that very few of the hoodlets are going to work for Jonny Quest Network Services and spend their days teaching people how to turn on their computers and read our blogs.

Tomblogger wants to show the Reagan era hit "Red Dawn. This movie is about how the Soviet Union invades the United States only to be driven out by a band of heroic children. Womannis says that even the stupid children of Rogers Park can't fail to see the analogy. Children (our movie audience) rise up and overthrow their dictatorial communist oppressors (Joe NoMooreFoieGras, David FAGus, Katie Hogan, Michael James, James Ginderske).

Perky Sandy Duncan, author of the 24/7 Howardwatchers Blog says that the nasty children of the neighborhood need to be taught a lesson in proper behavior. She advocates showing a movie on etiquette. While the movie is showing Sandy Duncan will march around the room shaking her finger, tut-tutting and generally looking disgusted and displeased. That will show the nasty little hoodlets.

My number one fan Jostle_Lynn wants to use the movie night as a chance to promote gardening. She has a four hour long film of the azaleas in her garden waving in the summer breeze. She thinks it would be a great idea for the children to sit their looking enviously at the beauty of her yard while sitting straight up in their hard folding chairs with their hands folded politely on their laps and their feet flat on the floor.

I haven't decided which idea we will go with but they are all pretty good. The children are going to love them. Stay tuned to the blogs for more information on this upcoming exciting event.

Blognotes: Don't worry. I am a responsible uncle. I didn't take Patrick into the Oasis. He waited for us in the car. We were in the Oasis for at least four hours and not a word of complaint out of the kid. He sat quietly waiting for us the entire time. Think what your typical Rogers Park kid would have done in that time. You don't find quality kids like Patrick here in Rogers Park.

You Haven't Heard The Last Of Me Amy Carlton!

Amy Carlton thinks she's so clever. She uses her rabidly anti-Catholic Rubber Nun blog to attack me for calling her a idiot by writing a long post which tells the true story of how some election judges tried to suppress her vote, and those of others, with some fake "magic ink". She tells about how she first followed the judge's instructions to see if her suspicions were unfounded. She tells how she talked to other voters and got their names. She tells how she called the Board of Elections and the news media. She thinks she is some sort of hero because she got the ball rolling on bringing this vote suppression attempt to a halt. A few Joe NoMooreFoieGras lovers are commenting on her anti-Catholic blog telling her how great she is and how terrible I am for calling her a idiot. Amy Carlton is feeling pretty smug right now. Well get over it Amy. You haven't beaten me yet.

Do you think that any of my thousands and thousands of loyal blog readers care about the facts of your voting attempt? Do you think they're angry with me for belittling you? If the answer is yes then you truly are the biggest idiot in the world. Uber-loyal toadies like STINKJAR, Tomblogger Womannis, Pamola, Polar Coast, Sandy Duncan, Phughy, Shrill Morton and, of course, my number one fan Jostle_Lynn read my blog and worship me for exactly those
reasons. They love that I never let the facts get in the way of a good attack. They love that I live to make snide comments and highly personal attacks on my neighbors. That is why my many, many fans read my blog. Yes, sometimes they try and claim they read it because I cover neighborhood stories that no other news source does but if that were the case my credibility and readership would have evaporated years ago. No, people read my blog not to get facts but to see me beat up on losers like you.

You see Amy, the Rogers Park blogosphere is just like junior high school. I am the big jock stud. Jostle_Lynn is the head cheerleader. You are the ugly, unpopular girl that everyone makes fun of. We don't care that you're smarter than us because we can more your life hell!

Blognotes: Anonymous coward "Paradise" -- you are exactly right. The reason Jostle_Lynn wants your name is so she can harass you. Once she gets your name and your picture it is going on the internet with plenty of derisive comments. Notice that Jostle_Lynn is pretty selective about what she gets bent out of shape over? Anonymous Joe NoMooreFoieGras lovers like you give her a conniption but if you were to deride Rogers Park she would stridently defend your right to anonymity claiming that you need to protect yourself from the Alderman and his cronies.

Shrill Morton Is Smart

Shrill Morton, Rogers Park's answer to Steve Jobs, is wondering if the destruction of the Adelphi Theater has contributed to an increase in crime in the neighborhood. You should listen to what Shrill is saying. He's a pretty on top of it guy. Crimes have been committed in Rogers Park. The fact that crimes have been committed in Rogers Park means that crime rates are going up. Let's say that in 2005 six people were murdered in Rogers Park. In 2006 four people were murdered. That means the murder rate is ten. If two people were murdered in 2007 then the crime rate has soared to 12. The empty Adelphi theater was torn down and all these crimes were committed after it was torn down so its destruction has contributed to an increase in crime in Rogers Park.

If you really want to see Shrill in action call up his employer, Johnny Quest Network Services. They're a local business that is struggling like all business in Rogers Park. They operate out of a messy storefront on Sheridan Road. Their service is showing neighborhood residents how to turn on their computers and read my blogs. Shrill will come to your house and show you how to turn on your computer if he's not busy taking pictures of poo and graffiti for his blog.

Grammar Lessons For Stupid People Of Rogers Park

Rogers Park is a neighborhood full of idiots. Joe NoMooreFoieGras is the alderman. His ward is home to a military hating lawyer. We're home to Amy Carlton. She's the country's stupidist voter because she called me a drunk and the "Morse Asshole" after she admitted that an election judge told her that a pen contained invisible ink. You all need an education and I am going to give it to you. We are going to start with English grammar because it's a basic skill and I am an expert on it being a world famous journalist and the publisher of Hey Chicago magazine.

I am going to show you some examples of my brilliant writing from my other blog (which would be studied along with Shakespeare in the schools of Rogers Park if Joe NoMooreFoieGras was doing his job right).

If you want to insult someone say "You are a idiot!" This is correct English grammar. If any of the stupid teachers in the schools of Rogers Park tell you it's not you let me know so we neighborhood bloggers can insult them on our blogs.

It is important to use complete sentences. An example of a complete sentence is "A functioning brain.". This is something Amy Carlton doesn't have but I do. I am brilliant which is why the herd of bleating sheep who read my blogs are always praising me on my blogs.

There you have your English lesson for the day. It's way better than anything you will learn in the schools of Rogers Park. I hope you learned something. If you want to learn more read this blog and my other blog every day.