Broken Liver Exclusive: Loyola University Endangers Everyone In Rogers Park

Bright and early on Friday morning I was driving my SUV to the offices of Hay Chicago magazine. I go down there every once in a while to make sure the staff is not stealing from me or working on their blogs on company time. On the way there I saw several things which caused me to realize that Loyola University is endangering the lives of the people of Rogers Park.

I saw a Starbucks (a nasty chain we don’t want here) with Loyola students going in and out. I saw a Chipotle Grill (another nasty chain we don’t want here) with Loyola students going in and out. I saw Loyola’s high rise Granada Center dorm. What does that add up to? Let me tell you.

Loyola students go to the chains and get fat. Then they go to their classes where they might get Cs and even Fs – ruining their chances of getting into good medical schools or MBA programs that will allow them to get high paying jobs that will permit them to not have to live next to me here in the Hell Hole. They get real depressed and try to kill them selves by jumping out of the windows of their high rise dorm.

Imagine it. These fat projectiles leaping from the windows and landing on us as we walk or drive by the Granada Center. We could easily be killed by fat falling students and Loyola University doesn’t care. The Broken Liver demands that Loyola give nothing but As so that their students will have no reason to jump from dorm windows.

I tried taking pictures of the Granada Center as I drove by but all I got was the ceiling of my SUV so I won’t post them here. Remember, you read it first on the Broken Liver.

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