Loyal Blog Reader Invents New Way To Punish Property Owners Who Don't Clear Sidewalks

This just in from a loyal blog reader.

Hey Braig,

Since the snow came I've noticed that not all property owners in Rogers Park shovel the snow off their sidewalks. Well, I'm going to get them for that. I've got a very large dog and and I am going to start walking him around the property of these delinquents, encouraging him to do his "duty" and I am not going to pick it up (not that I ever do). Then when the little hoodlets walk by on their way to sling crack on the street corners they'll slip on the ice and land in half frozen piles of poo. They'll get real mad at the property owners and lay waste to their property and and their persons. That will show them. Plus, you'll be able to blog about how crime is up in Rogers Park.

Your loyal fan,

Happy Hoofer

See what wonderful, intelligent, caring people read my blog? If you have a high quality blog like I do you attract high quality readers. I challenge anyone to argue otherwise.

'Broken Liver' Has Found Use For Under Employed Computer Geek

We neighborhood bloggers are often attacked by Joe NoMooreFoieGras supporters as a bunch of do-nothings who spend the entire day sitting around home in our tighty whities and beaters using our computers to complain and complain without ever actually doing anything to improve the neighborhood. Well, they couldn't be more wrong and I am going to show them. I'm going to provide a great opportunity for an under employed neighborhood computer geek to do something useful.

You all know Shrill Morton (who I sometimes affectionately refer to as Billy Boy More-a-ton)? He "works" for local business Jonny Quest Network Services. This is a struggling (as all business in the hell hole are) Rogers Park company that shows the many computer illiterates in the neighborhood how to turn on their computers and read the Broken Liver and find out how bad their life is in Rogers Park. Even though the people in Rogers Park aren't very smart, as is proven by the fact that they live here, Jonny Quest Network Services is struggling and poor Shrill Morton has little to do. With no real work he spends his days combing his hair, taking pictures of city workers who are as productive as he is and taking plenty of candid photographs of Rogers Park businesses which he uses to make the neighborhood look really bad. He posts all of these pictures on his "Rogers Park in One Trillion Words" blog. It's a good thing he's never photographed the store he works in. That would really show what a dump Rogers Park is.

Don't get me wrong. I like Shrill Morton. Even though he's got some wacky ideas, like restoring that old Adelphi Theater (who the hell would walk the crime plagued streets of Rogers Park to go to a theater?) Shrill as been a loyal reader of my blogs and he hates Rogers Park as much as I do. So here's what I'm going to do for this miserable sad case. I'm going to let him do some productive work for me.

I could let him redo the website for my Hay Chicago magazine. Lord knows it needs it. Not only does the thing look like a hold over from the '90s but half of it doesn't even work. But, my dedication to Rogers Park is exceeds running the business my father left me. I'm going to let Shrill work on my blog.

Last weekend when I was away being a big he man stud at a crotchcross race I couldn't post on my blog and this gave me an idea. If Shrill Morton puts his computer skills to use he can create some sort of program that will write my blog for me when I am away. It should be pretty easy to predict what I am going to say. I generally say the same things every day.

Get to work Shrill!