We neighborhood bloggers are often attacked by Joe NoMooreFoieGras supporters as a bunch of do-nothings who spend the entire day sitting around home in our tighty whities and beaters using our computers to complain and complain without ever actually doing anything to improve the neighborhood. Well, they couldn't be more wrong and I am going to show them. I'm going to provide a great opportunity for an under employed neighborhood computer geek to do something useful.
You all know Shrill Morton (who I sometimes affectionately refer to as Billy Boy More-a-ton)? He "works" for local business Jonny Quest Network Services. This is a struggling (as all business in the hell hole are) Rogers Park company that shows the many computer illiterates in the neighborhood how to turn on their computers and read the Broken Liver and find out how bad their life is in Rogers Park. Even though the people in Rogers Park aren't very smart, as is proven by the fact that they live here, Jonny Quest Network Services is struggling and poor Shrill Morton has little to do. With no real work he spends his days combing his hair, taking pictures of city workers who are as productive as he is and taking plenty of candid photographs of Rogers Park businesses which he uses to make the neighborhood look really bad. He posts all of these pictures on his "Rogers Park in One Trillion Words" blog. It's a good thing he's never photographed the store he works in. That would really show what a dump Rogers Park is.
Don't get me wrong. I like Shrill Morton. Even though he's got some wacky ideas, like restoring that old Adelphi Theater (who the hell would walk the crime plagued streets of Rogers Park to go to a theater?) Shrill as been a loyal reader of my blogs and he hates Rogers Park as much as I do. So here's what I'm going to do for this miserable sad case. I'm going to let him do some productive work for me.
I could let him redo the website for my Hay Chicago magazine. Lord knows it needs it. Not only does the thing look like a hold over from the '90s but half of it doesn't even work. But, my dedication to Rogers Park is exceeds running the business my father left me. I'm going to let Shrill work on my blog.
Last weekend when I was away being a big he man stud at a crotchcross race I couldn't post on my blog and this gave me an idea. If Shrill Morton puts his computer skills to use he can create some sort of program that will write my blog for me when I am away. It should be pretty easy to predict what I am going to say. I generally say the same things every day.
Get to work Shrill!
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12 comments:
Braig:
I've been reading your blog for months now, and have finally figured out how to post. Isn't that fab?
Well I was walking my dog this morning. My dog Chester is half sheepdog half german shepard. Let me tell you that dog drops a pile when he's gotta go.
Well, I see this piece of paper blowing down the street and since I forgot to bring a shit bag with me this morning, I made a grab for the paper.
Much to my surprise I read this:
Help, I am being held hostage by some greasy South American gnomes. I know they are from South America because they chew these funny leaves and then cackle amongst themselves for hours on end while they suck down enormous amounts of beer from 40 oz cans.
I'm Don Gordon, former alderman candidate of the 49th ward. I am in desperate need of your help. If only someone would call 911 and tell them I'm still alive. I don't care if it costs a $1.50. I can afford to reimburse you. There will be another fundraiser this Friday night for my lawsuit and you can get reimbursed from petty cash for all your calls.
Right now my health is not good. All these gnomes feed me is cabbage and potato soup. My intestines are bloated and I everytime I fart, my eyes well up from acid stench.
I've been trying to leave you messages. Shrill Morton has taken several pictures, but unfortunately his forensic skills in reading messages disquised as shit are very limited.
Sometime, in the past week I have been smuggled out of Rogers Park and am in a highrise (with a great lake view) on Sheridan Road in Edgewater. My captors have swear that if the ransom is not paid by this weekend, they will push me off the balcony 40 floors up, onto the very beautiful private beach with amenities only available to condo owners.
I could really get to like this place if the food was better. The doorman and valet in the garage are fabulous. There is even a dry cleaner that picks up daily from the front desk.
And the condo I'm in is spacious and roomy. The only downside are the smelly gnomes, rotten food and the two gay guys next door that have loud arguments with each other after coming home late from the bars.
Tell my family to keep up the vigil and that I will be home soon (I hope). Until then keep calling 911 and be on the look out for a gang of smelly gnomes.
Sincerely,
Don Gordon
Anyway Braig, is there anything you or your readers can do to help Don out?
That last cabbage and potato soup recipe that I linked to had some problems. I tried to make it last night and it was all screwy. I adapted it so that it worked out quite well. It's delicious, you should make some.
Don Gordon is definitely eating well, wherever he is. And who hasn't enjoyed a can of beer at some point?
Nice try rp_nieghbored. If you want to win my trust you'll have to work at it. You need to spend lots of time posting comments on my blog telling me what an unflushed toilet bowl Rogers Park is and how great I am. I know for a fact that Joe NoMooreFoieGras is behind the abduction of Don Gordon because I received a ransom note from "Kelvin O" who just happens to have the same initials as Joey's stooge Kelvin O'Neil. It's obvious you are in cahoots with the gnomes working to spread disinformation.
G.N.O.M.E.
Global Nexis of Mayhem Everywhere
And just whom do you think is the power behind Joe NoMooreFoieGras? We are the power.
Oh Braig, Im so sorry I was so unkind to you. I know I should not have blogged as rp_nieghbored, because I really hate it when people blog under names that really are not theirs.
But I have to say I really did find the note. And it really did say what it said. And now, something even worse has happened. The Gnomes have found me. I found another note today, this time stuffed in my mail box and it was wrapped around a dismembered thumb. Its just gross, and it's oozy and moldly.
Here's what the letter says:
The Gnomes have Don Gordon. If you ever want to see him again you will capitulate to our demands.
All video cameras, DVD recording devices and cell phones with cameras are to be placed in a large bonfire on Sheridan Road and Pratt by 6p.m. Friday or we will make sure all hell breaks loose on Morse on Friday night. Our sympathisers will be out and ready to rumble at our command. They will be drugged up and ready for a fight.
All Rogers Park CAPS meetings must be canceled or we will pour 55 gallon drums of greasy cabbage and potato soup in every sewer in Rogers Park.
A ransom of $500,000 must be paid, in small bills and loose change to panhandlers at every el stop. They may look like poor bedraggled souls to you, but they are our operatives. Money must be hidden in brown paper bags, perferably under half pints of cheap alcohol.
Tom Banannis must be made to take a bath. Whooooh, he smells worse than we do.
You must do this or we will not let Don live to see another sunrise from the balcony of the fabulous condo we have rented in Edgewater.
Jostle_Lynn, you are one holy babe. Since you like gardening so much we gave you a green thumb. Please plant it for us in your little garden. If you don't you may be next.
Kiss Kiss,
Your little red hatted friends
The GNOMES.
So you see Braig, I'm really worried. They are after me. I tried telling my Psychiatric Social Worker about the gnomes, but they just handed me a prescription for some mood inhibitors and told me to go away.
I'm affraid I'm starting to see gnomes everywhere, and I just can go out to my garden, even in broad daylight for fear they will attack.
We better get thumb prints off that thumb to verify that it is Don's. The gnomes may be trying to discredit and distract us. They may even be working with Joe NoMooreFoieGras to lead us down a false path. One of Joey's supporters cut off their thumb and sent it to you. They're a pretty fanatical bunch. Check and see if Katy Hogan or Tomblogger Eastgard has all their digits.
And its all right to post under a false name as long as you don't like Joe NoMooreFoieGras and are telling me how great I am.
G.N.O.M.E. the Global Nexis of Mayhem Everywhere
You have yet to answer our demands. You have not turned in your cameras. Don Gordon is drowning in Cabbage and Potato soup. If you want Don Gordon returned to you soon, please follow our demands NOW!
Jostle_Lynn, you are a babe. Our leader Juan Gordo is quite smitten with you. He loves petite, firey women who love to garden. He is willing to release Don Gordon in exchange for making you the G.N.O.M.E. queen.
Juan has a fabulous condo in a highrise in Edgewater. He is waiting for you.
Oh Braig, get down here with your camera. The gnomes are all over my lawn and into my garden. I think they've taken my hostas hostage.
I'm trapped in my house. I got another note shoved in my mail box today filled with ramblings about being made gnome queen.
Since your gay and know something about being a queen, I wanted to know would I have to have a sex change operation to be one? I thought gay queens were fairies not gnomes. I'm so confused.
I like being a girl. If these gnomes force a sex change operation on me, so I can be their garden gnome queen, I'll never get Steve to make a life commitment.
I do like the idea of being a queen however. I just don't want to be queen of some queer little red hatted guys who smell worse than Tom Banannis.
Braig, what's it like to be a queen?
oh jostle I know you don't drink and you think white whores are really, really cute and sweetand you hate all the black chittens 'cause you say they litter and their mommies are ho's, but you need to really finish your home project and stop writing.
Remember jostle evertime you write a fairy flies into a drunk on lunt and dies.
G.N.O.M.E. The Global Nexis of Mayhem Everywhere
Don't listen to Dorothy Parker 007. She's a gnome hunter. She goes on gnome safaris all over the world. She has a trophy room of stuffed gnomes in her house.
Jostle_Lynn you would be our one and only Garden Gnome Queen. We will have weekly festivals in your honor where we'd drink copious amounts of wine and beer. We would protect you from vicious gnome hunters like Dorothy Parker 007. We will surround our Edgewater highrise with a moat filled with cabbage and potato soup to keep infidels like Braig and Dorothy Parker 007 away from you.
Please Jostle_Lynn, we are anxiously waiting for you.
Jostle_Lynn -- I talked to my new BFF, Tomblogger Womannis, who, as a Republican, is an expert on security matters. He said that we should never negotiate with terrorists unless doing so gets us some money for friendly freedom fighters in Central America. He said there's no way we should negotiate with these gnomes.
I agree. Who cares if they kill Don Gordon? For us its just one more thing we can blame on Joe NoMooreFoisGras. And besides, just a year ago I was attacking Don as "The Other Guy" and you were getting ready to go volunteer with the Ginderske campaign.
Yes, got me a couple of those nasty G.N.O.M.E.s, frying them up on the grill, better then Freds burgers.
They are right I am out to capture Jostle, fairies are dying, she writes everyday and gives her opinion while she marches to the tune of Don Gordon singing the swinging singles of the sixties (plus she makes us say that 10 times).
Ouch, crap, geeez, 3 fairies just hit my head, how many people does thou speak to o' fair Jostle. ouch, not again.
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