Poop Scoop Updated Scoop

Ol' Eastie has been feeling a bit smug for the last few days. He thinks the pit bull poo has hit the fan and none of it has landed on him. He thinks he's Mr. Scott Free because Womannis has pictures of his pit bull taking a dump but no solid evidence that he walked away without scooping the poop. Well, it seems my archenemy and rival blogger didn't count on the dedication and commitment of Rogers Park's elite corp of bloggers. I've been keeping this a secret for the last couple of days because we had some research to do but we've got the goods on Tommyblogger.

Like I told you earlier, I put Womannis on Tommyblogger's tail this weekend. Womannis was a diligent spy. He didn't leave Tommyblogger's trail, not even for one second. He followed him anywhere he went. He spied through Tommyblogger's windows. Womannis now knows everything about Tommyblogger. He can even tell you the number of hairs Tommyblogger has on his ass. The 'Broken Liver' just might sponsor a contest.

One of the things we learned about Tommyblogger is that he's to PC to lock his door. He thinks doing so would be a sign of racial prejudice. He thinks if he did so he'd be saying all the little hoodlets lurking around his building are there to rob him as soon as he leaves. So, what Womannis did is wait until Tommyblogger left to spy on Sandy Duncan's "Ho Ho Ho -- Get the Ho's Off Howard" Christmas time rally. No doubt Tommyblogger was trying to spin this into some Vote For Don Gordon Nuremberg Rally. Womannis sneaks into Tommyblogger's apartment and spikes his pit bull food with a special chemical which we would later be able to detect in the dog's shit. We waited a day and went out into the filthy streets of Rogers Park collecting every dog turd we could find. Each sample was carefully tagged with a time and location. We spend two days doing this. We shoveled them into a large trash cart and brought them all back to my place.

Here's where the real work began. We had to wait until the frozen turds thawed before we could test them. Once thawed, we employed our special chemical process to find the one's that showed traces of the chemical that Womannis had placed in "Eastie's" pit bull food. Success happened quickly. No less than 43% of the shit sampled was found to have come from Tommyblogger's dog. Not only does Tommyblogger never clean up after his dog but let me tell you, that dog has some serious intestinal issues.

So Tommyblogger, no use trying to deny it. We've got irrefutable proof that you don't scoop your poop. I've got all the samples tagged and bagged and sitting in my freezer. I'm keeping them for future use. You just wait till the next Rogers Park Aldermanic election. This shit will really start flying.

Blognotes: Take a lesson from this. Anyone who stays in the Rogers Park blogosphere long enough ends up covered in shit.

It's Official -- Tomblogger Eastgard Is Insane

If you had any doubts as to the sanity of my rival blogger and archenemy, Tomblogger Eastgard, look at this crazy rant he emailed me.

Braig,

I didn't know it was possible but you have just hit a new low with your blogging. I see that you have a new rant on your blog about crime in Rogers Park and part of it is a quote taken from another blog stating that Rogers Park is a very dangerous neighborhood and that anyone who doesn't live here is advised to not come here [see my other blog to find out what this idiot is talking about]. You fail to provide your readers with a link to the blog from which the quote comes. When a reader specifically asks you for the source you pompously state that it is not your job to promote other blogs.

For your sake I guess it is a good thing that you did not provide your reader with the requested link as the reader would have seen that you have taken the quote out of context. The quote comes from a parody blog which is making fun of you and your penchant for hysteria. If you read the entire blog entry you get a very different sense of the author's opinion of you and of Rogers Park. You fancy yourself to be a journalist but your tactics are nothing but the worst sort of tabloid journalism. I don't know how you can show your face in public knowing how many people in the neighborhood are laughing at your buffoonery.

The author of this parody blog clearly doesn't take their work too seriously. She or he seems to be doing nothing more than indulging in a practice exercise in creative writing with the ample material you provide. There is no doubt in my mind that the author of the parody blog is delighted that you continue to maintain your silly blog as each day you provide her or him with more fodder for mockery. You think you are an heroic crusader but this person regards you as nothing more than a drunken idiot. The author clearly thinks that Rogers Park is not the hell hole that you portray it as being but a pretty nice place to call home.

I, however, am not the author of this parody blog and I think you are pretty appalling. In light of the tactics you have shown I don't see how anyone can give you any credibility. Your loyal readers -- Phughy, Sandy Duncan, Shrill Morton, Stinkjar, Proartillary, Laura Loserzader, Tomblogger Womannis, Jostle_Lynn -- they all blindly follow your lead and by doing so make themselves look even more stupid than you. What a pathetic joke you all are. I for one would be happy to see the last of you.

Sincerely,

Tomblogger Eastgard
Attorney at Law

Can you believe this crazy idiot? This just goes to show you what Joe NoMooreFoieGras's minions are like. Well Tommyblogger, I got news for you. While you're sitting in your miserable storefront office hoping to actually get a single client before the year is out and writing that blog of yours that no one reads, I am going to switch on my police scanner, jot down a few crime calls that I will turn into sensationalist blog entries that will be read by my billions of loyal readers all over the world. Then, with my work done for the day I am heading down to the Oasis. You ask yourself, who is more of a man. Me or you?