Ol' Eastie has been feeling a bit smug for the last few days. He thinks the pit bull poo has hit the fan and none of it has landed on him. He thinks he's Mr. Scott Free because Womannis has pictures of his pit bull taking a dump but no solid evidence that he walked away without scooping the poop. Well, it seems my archenemy and rival blogger didn't count on the dedication and commitment of Rogers Park's elite corp of bloggers. I've been keeping this a secret for the last couple of days because we had some research to do but we've got the goods on Tommyblogger.
Like I told you earlier, I put Womannis on Tommyblogger's tail this weekend. Womannis was a diligent spy. He didn't leave Tommyblogger's trail, not even for one second. He followed him anywhere he went. He spied through Tommyblogger's windows. Womannis now knows everything about Tommyblogger. He can even tell you the number of hairs Tommyblogger has on his ass. The 'Broken Liver' just might sponsor a contest.
One of the things we learned about Tommyblogger is that he's to PC to lock his door. He thinks doing so would be a sign of racial prejudice. He thinks if he did so he'd be saying all the little hoodlets lurking around his building are there to rob him as soon as he leaves. So, what Womannis did is wait until Tommyblogger left to spy on Sandy Duncan's "Ho Ho Ho -- Get the Ho's Off Howard" Christmas time rally. No doubt Tommyblogger was trying to spin this into some Vote For Don Gordon Nuremberg Rally. Womannis sneaks into Tommyblogger's apartment and spikes his pit bull food with a special chemical which we would later be able to detect in the dog's shit. We waited a day and went out into the filthy streets of Rogers Park collecting every dog turd we could find. Each sample was carefully tagged with a time and location. We spend two days doing this. We shoveled them into a large trash cart and brought them all back to my place.
Here's where the real work began. We had to wait until the frozen turds thawed before we could test them. Once thawed, we employed our special chemical process to find the one's that showed traces of the chemical that Womannis had placed in "Eastie's" pit bull food. Success happened quickly. No less than 43% of the shit sampled was found to have come from Tommyblogger's dog. Not only does Tommyblogger never clean up after his dog but let me tell you, that dog has some serious intestinal issues.
So Tommyblogger, no use trying to deny it. We've got irrefutable proof that you don't scoop your poop. I've got all the samples tagged and bagged and sitting in my freezer. I'm keeping them for future use. You just wait till the next Rogers Park Aldermanic election. This shit will really start flying.
Blognotes: Take a lesson from this. Anyone who stays in the Rogers Park blogosphere long enough ends up covered in shit.
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3 comments:
Braig, you are so brilliant. But you forgot one thing. Yellow snow. Uncaring people like Eastguard let their dogs piss everywhere. And then the piss freezes. Next thing you know thousands of old ladies in Rogers Park fall and break their hips by slipping on frozen dog piss. The hospitals are bursting at the seams because of the likes of Eastguard and his dog.
And don't think for one moment as these old ladies writhe in total agony they aren't wondering where Joe Moore is on this issue.
If Joe Moore really cared about Rogers Park, he'd introduce an ordinace mandating doggie diapers on all pooches, even that rat-faced Toto.
Doggie urine is disgusting. It's bad enough that I have to wipe up around the toilet at home after Steve misses the pisser. He can't even make it in the john with the toilet seat up. Sometimes he even sprays the walls. Gross.
Eastguard's dog is a little piss machine too. I followed Eastguard as he walked down the street last Sunday. That dog couldn't go more than five feet and it was lifting it's little leg on something. Tribune box, light pole, 147 bus, you name it that dog was juicing everything that stood still for three seconds. I tried to get photos for my blog, but by the time I got my camera phone open, Steve called wondering where I was.
I tried to explain to him that I was following Eastgard, trying to take pictures to put on my blog so I could embarrass him, but by that time Steve had drifted off into another Sunday afternoon football coma on ESPN.
well, there is the possibility of a win-win scenario in this pissing contest
get a coathanger, fashion a cup holder extension, and attach it to a standard, screw-lid, plastic urine sampling container. each time the dog lifts, get the cup in the stream and catch the piss. when you get home, empty the cup onto an aluminum pie pan, or any similar container, and let the water evaporate off. voila, crystal peth. and it'll still be yellow like the acepromazine laced phencyclidine that people stole from veterinarian's offices in the '70s
now, you put weighed amounts in glassine envelopes and sell it on the streets as pcp/my angel's dust
and even if you don't have a dog, be a octo-samaritan, scoop up that yellow snow where the huskies go, take it home and use the same evaportive technique. bang! a good deed with a dividend
you might even consider moving to montana, buying a pygmy pony and ridding the range to oversee your dental floss crop
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