I'm back from a stunning success at my big crotchocross race this weekend. None of you losers in the filthy slum of Rogers Park would ever have what it takes to race crotchocross but if you saw me you'd be astounded at my magnificent manliness.
I'm back to blogging for all you pathetic people who never show proper appreciation for all I do for you. I've got updates on the mysterious disappearance of former aldermanic candidate Don Gordon and Joe NoMooreFoisGras's involvement in the kidnapping. The prime suspect continues to be Joey's henchman, little Kelvin O'Neil who sent the following message to 'The Broken Liver';
"Braig,
You seem to have been the victim of a practical joke. To the best of my knowledge Don Gordon is not missing. I most certainly have no involvement in any crime. I am not the "Kelvin O' who sent you the bogus ransom note. Believe it or not, there are people in the world who are not affiliated with, and who do not support, Joe NoMooreFoieGras who think you're a pathetic joke and think your blog is one of the most unintentionally hilarious things they’ve ever seen. You fancy yourself a journalist. I suggest you behave like a journalist and do a little investigation before tossing accusations.
Sincerely,
Kelvin O'Neil"
Who does this lying sack of shit think he is? Does he think us neighborhood bloggers are stupid enough to be taken in by a simple hoax? Does he think I'm going to let anyone treat me like the town drunk shouting at some slightly sleazy, somewhat lazy and a bit incompetent politician in a community meeting? No way in hell Kelvin! He's trying to say that we bloggers have no credibility. He's trying to say that we're shrill and sensationalistic. He's trying to say that our loyal readers are idiots for listening to us.
We aren't going to tolerate his lies. I'm going to do something. I'm calling my fellow bloggers. We'll blog about this. We'll show you Kelvin. We'll show you.
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2 comments:
Buenos Dias. You will find Mr. Gordon in very good health and well being quite well. The bleeding has stopped and the swelling has gone down, and we only plan to goh to Walgreens one more time. This time we need bandage to fix his loose fingers.
Do not try to call the policia or the FBI. I understand the calls to 911 cost $1.50, so do not waste your money. Save it for the ransom.
We har holding Senior Gordon in a safe house in Edgewater. People in Edgewater are very, very kind. So many want to give us their seats on the 147 bus. I think when this ordeal is over, we will move here.
Had the robbery of the bank on Morse been successful, Mr. Gordon would be free by now. But due to circumstances beyond our control we will continue to hold Mr. Gordon until the ransom is paid.
We do not torture people. Unless you define torture different than weh do. Please ask Tom Bananis what his definition of torture is and we will certainly not be that bad.
I understand the polica wants to send us an ostrich negotiator. Please, tell them we are alergic to feathers and don't particularly care for oversized poultry, unless it comes from Pollo Campero.
Tell Mr. Gordon's family he is eating very well, same as us. Cabbage and potato soup are very good this time of year.
We will contact you tomorrow with instructions on how to pay the ransom.
Hasta Lasagna!
Mmmm! Cabbage and Potato Soup! These gorditos have good taste!
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