(Part 2 of 3)
Here's the continuation of when I enlightened ace Sun Times reporter, Ditzy McTrixie, as to the horrid conditions we live in here in Rogers Park.
My first question for the four bloggers gathered at Cafe Ennui is why they live in Rogers Park? After all, while not everyone can live in Lincoln Park Chicago does have the more democratic, working class neighborhoods of Lakeview, the South Loop, Wicker Park and Bucktown. Why not move? Why live in a neighborhood where you are so miserable?
Braig was the first to speak (a condition of my interviewing the four is that Braig would always have the first and last words). "Well Ditzy. I live here because I am a public spirited sort of guy. My parents left me a nice trust fun. I can afford to live anywhere I want but I live in Rogers Park because people here need me. I moved up here a few years ago to tell the people who live here what a hell hole their neighborhood is. If it wasn't for me they'd never know that. There was this old community forum, Forum 49, and I was on there night and day shouting down everyone and anyone and fighting the good fight against new businesses that wanted to be an asset to the community like Cafe Suron and the Morseland. Then I decided to start my own blog so my many fans could have the benefit of reading what I have to say without the distraction of the opinions of Joe NoMooreFoieGras's lackeys, who are anyone who disagrees with me. I own Hay Chicago magazine but I don't devote much effort to it. My life is Rogers Park, my blog and telling everyone what a hell hole they live in. That's my mission in life and that is why I am here".
Shrill Morton was more concise. "I live here because its dirt cheap. I can't afford better. I ask my boss at Jonny Quest Network Services for more money but he laughs at me and tells me to stop taking pictures of the lazy city workers at the corner of Sheridan and Chase. He says I'm no better than they are and I should do some work myself before asking for a raise. The guy won't cut me a break. He thinks I should be working all the time. When's a guy supposed to find time to take pictures of graffiti and poo for his "Rogers Park in One Trillion Words" blog? When's a guy supposed to find time to comb his long, flowing tresses other than during the work day? I'd like to live in Lincoln Park right next to you* but not if I have to kiss The Man's ass. I have principles".
Tomblogger Womannis declared that affirmative action is the problem. If it wasn't for these liberals giving all the jobs to unqualified ethnically diverse people he could get the high paying job he deserves and move to a nice gated suburban community with his fellow Republicans. In the mean time he lives in Rogers Park and is proud if it. "Make no mistake, this is a rough, dangerous 'hood. I'd like to see some pussy liberal live here. A liberal wouldn't last 10 seconds here. I've never been a victim of a crime while here. It's not because the danger of Rogers Park is grossly overstated. It's because I am tough, bad ass Conservative and the hoodlets know they better not mess with me"
Finally, Jostle_Lynn spoke and her story almost broke my heart. "Ditzy, I live here because my boyfriend Steve is lazy and worthless. He said we'd live here for a couple of years, fix up this two flat, flip it and use the profits to move to Lincoln Park or Naperville. But that didn't happen. All he does is spend every evening sitting in his boxers in front of the tv scratching himself and watching ESPN when he could be out trying to hustle up some more money. I don't know what to do. I told him I wouldn't have sex with him until he moved me out of Rogers Park but his response was 'Is that a promise?'. Mom and Dad stopped giving me money years ago. One day they said '35 years of financial support is more than enough'. I am so depressed".
I couldn't help but reflect on the good fortune in my life. Mummsy and Popsicle are so generous. A Sun-Times paycheck just doesn't cover all the necessities in life. There's basics like a down payment on a Lincoln Park condo (good girls can't live just anywhere), a new SUV every other year, memberships at the East Bank Club, a thrice daily trips to Starbucks , twice weekly trips to Whole Foods, regular evenings in the Lincoln Park bars and Saturday night slumming in Wicker Park. Someday I'll marry a nice freshly minted partner in a major law firm or a financial services consultant and I won't need them anymore but for now its a great comfort to know that I, unlike poor Jostle_Lynn, come from a caring, loving family.
*Fat chance loser! If some dorky computer geek like you so much as sets foot on my block my boyfriend Chad and all his old frat brothers will kick your ass so fast you'll wish you'd chosen the option of licking the floor of the Jarvis Avenue El station instead.
Check back soon. I'll be posting more of ace reporter DitzyMcTrixie mindlessly scribbling down anything I have to say.
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5 comments:
Yes, yes, 'tis I, Poodles and I bring you - Poodlings...
Neighbors on the north side were certainly shocked, shocked to see Blogger Tom Mannis jacking off in front of the No Exit Cafe early Sunday morning. When asked why he was doing such a thing Tom said he couldn't help himself. "The 7-11 doesn't have the November issue of Penthouse in yet," Tom said. And since I don't have a girlfriend, and this was so convenient... I just whipped my little partner out..." We get the picture Tommy, but please, there are school children in the area.
[Poodles really wants to know why you are so suddenly interested in those school aged children anyway??????]
Speaking of Mannis, did you know he's taken his name out of the hat for 49th Ward Republican Committeeman?
"I will not run. I considered it briefly, but realized that I will not be able to give the position – which I have been assured I would win – enough time to do it justice. Afterall, I would have a position of responsibility that would then lead to people having expectations of me. And once people have expectations of you doing something positive for them, you really have to do something. Instead, I'd rather sit on my butt and complain about things than actually be responsible for doing something to improve the neighborhood."
[Poodles wonders if it's because you have absolutely no accomplishments to your name Tommy? Besides, who asked you to run in the first place?]
Poodles hears Idaho Congressman Larry Craig is still running to get his job back. I understand the Congressman denies he's gay, but his boyfriend says otherwise.
Larry wants to take back his plea of not creepy,.
[Poodles says: To bad the local Republicans can't find a strong contender like Larry Craig to run for committeeman].
All the little G.N.O.M.E.s must be crying in there soup... We hear Jostle_Lynn, and Steve will be tying the knot soon. Looks like Steve must have got that job.
Blogger Bill Morton will be having an installation of his Rogers Park shit pictures at the Jarvis Red Line station.
[Poodles hears that the Art Institute rejected Bill's request for a showing. The Art Institute's reasoning is that the medium has been over used and people just aren't interested].
the reason they won't interview you - you attention seeking jag offf is because you're a faggot!
Toto - I got to tell you -- being the publisher of an "alternative lifestyles" magazine like Hay Chicago makes you an expert in certain things. Let me tell you, I've seen Tomblogger Womannis's "little partner" when we've stood hip to hip at the urinals at the Oasis. The name is appropriate.
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