I'm a little upset with Shrill Morton. You see last night was another one of Joe NoMooreFoieGras' infomercials. This time it was held at the Lake Shore School and it was for the owner of the 7-11 on Pratt Avenue to advertise the new Soo Liquors South that he's going to open up in his store. Some people hate Soo Liquors on Morse Avenue because of the smelly bums who loiter out in front. I hate them because they refused to give me a volume buyer discount. Anyway, Alderman Joey stated that he "wouldn't allow Soo Liquors South to open unless there was significant community support." If that doesn't sound like he's strongly in favor and in bed with 7-11 I don't know what does.
The meeting began with Joey's goon squad (which included Katy Hogan, Kelvin O'Neil and Jim Ginderske) swaggering into the room with Joey, looking all tough and menacing in black uniforms with truncheons in hand. A couple of people tried to speak out against the proposal and were quickly dragged from the auditorium. We don't know what happened to them but we could clearly hear screams of agony. My rival blogger and archenemy, Tomblogger Eastgard, stood up to give his usual typically wussy statement saying that if we're going to have Soo Liquors South could they at least provide a bar of complimentary soap with each purchase so that the loitering bums won't smell so bad. Joey laughed him out of the room and prepared to pull out his trusty rubber stamp. It was high time that I took control.
I leaped from my seat, unfazed by the goon squad. I took to the stage to deliver an impassioned speech on liberty, integrity and the joys of a Soo Liquors South free Rogers Park. I was on fire. The previously cowed crowd took their spirit from me and were on their feet shouting "NO MORE NOMOOREFOIEGRAS!" Jostle_Lynn whipped off the trench coat she had been wearing to reveal her old high school cheerleader outfit on underneath. She shook her pom poms while yelling "Give me a B! Give me an R! Give me an A!"... Tomblogger Womannis was yelling that the real name of the owner of the 7-11 is Abu Dunecoon and his store is nothing but a front for al Qaeda. White with fear, Joey, his goon squad and the hapless 7-11 owner fled into the night. Once again I save Rogers Park from Joey's evil designs.
Now why am I upset with Shrill Morton? When he should have been using that camera of his to capture one of the greatest of my many great moments he was in the men's room taking pictures of the urinal cakes. Way to go Shrill!
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8 comments:
Eastgard is a yuppie, this is a clever ruse they have. Appear like a harmless wussy, but they'll have you tossed off the sidewalk and out of your home before you even know what hit you. Beware of the yuppie Eastgard. Yuppies think their values are inherently better than those of people they perceive as low lifes. For a yuppie a value is an entitlement. An entitlement is "far greater" than just any old basic human right. You think I'm kidding around, but if you aren't sober and washed be very careful where you stand in this neighborhood. They'll videotape you, accuse you f every crime imaginable as you walk down the street, close the liquor stores and make sure you can only consume wine, cheese and condos. And don't get excited either, you won't actually get to do this, if you can pronounce the wine and afford it, then also afford the condo, then you'll be a yuppie too and eventually you will find yourself consumed with hatred of all the other people who aren't yuppies, the wine will only infuse you with anger and a violent rage and you will spend your days attacking lowlifes.
JO MORRE THINCS HES SOMART BECAUZ HE CAN TYPO AN SPEL BETER THAN ME. IM LUCKI I CAN EVENER FIGOR OUT HOWE TO TURN ON A COMPTER. IM SOMUCH BETER SINC TAKING LESONS FROM SHRILL MORTON.
You have to wear Reeboks too, or Wissota Traders.
G.N.O.M.E. Global Nexis of Mayhem Everywhere.
Jostle_Lynn, where are you? You cannot hide from us for long. We know its not the cold that's keeping you in your house. When you're out raking this weekend, we will be watching you.
We saw you at Joe's booze show. Ha ha. We were watching you. Its not nice to ignore us in public.
Our leader is getting very impatient with you. You need to come to terms with your queenly-ness. We have your little red hat waiting for you.
Don't be fooled by Dorothy Parker 007. She's been hit on the head too many times by the fairies and she's just imagining things.
Remember that people who disappoint us, we make their houses fall down. Just like the one on Lunt today.
For a 40+ something guy don't you think that possibly getting off your ass and doing something other than put down people who are trying to make their neighborhood a better place is insane? If all you bloggers/activists/obsessive blowholes and picture takers all band together maybe something more can come of this... Another question... are you in love with Shrill? My God you talk about him enough... man crush... maybe? Its the hair right? Not that there is anything wrong with that... *cough* *creepy* *cough*
You're a dumb ass Kimberly. First of all, I'm so busy blogging and complaining that I don't have time to work on anything constructive. Second, if it wasn't for my blog you wouldn't know what an unflushed toilet bowl Rogers Park is. You'd probably be walking around and looking at what you see and think its all pretty nice. Third, the purpose of this blog and my other blog is to point out problems in the neighborhood, not offer solutions. If you don't believe me ask my fellow blogger and No. 1 Fan, Jostle_Lynn. She's below my window right now in her old high school cheerleader outfit cheering me on as I blog.
If you don't like my blog don't read it. I don't care. I've got plenty of dolts kissing my ass.
I walk around it all the time.. its far from an unflushed toilet.. Why don't you be the one to try something different then... we all whine about Moore, we all whine about garbage... why not pose a solution? Pointing at a problem doesn't get it fixed. Or can you only bitch but not fix?
See, this is that ruse again. He wants you to think if he doesn't have on Reeboks or Whastsama Traders...well then he's not a yuppie. Heed my warning people, he's here to clear us out.
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