I was going to give you all a special surprise. I was going to tell all of you about a new health center that is scheduled to open in Rogers Park. I know none of you have hear of this because you get all your news from my blogs which are the only source of information you'll ever need. Some stupid loser named Blog Pants had the nerve to go and ruin the surprise by saying that people have been talking about this since way back in September and its even been in the News-Star and RP2000. Big deal Blog Pants. None of my readers waste their time with that crap. Blog Pants has been put in his place. Look at the classy way in which uber-toady Jostle_Lynn did it:
"I bet poopypants was the one who spolied Santa Claus for all his friends in grammar school too."
Everyone reading this blog needs to take a lesson from Jostle_Lynn. This is the way to interact with your neighbors. This is how you improve your community. This is how you show your intelligence.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Broken Liver Exclusive: Ol' Blues Ginderske Reentering Politics
I expect most of you scandal mongers came here to witness more of Womannis and Eastgard flinging pit bull poo at one another but you're going to be disappointed. We here at the Broken Liver are all about serious journalism and that is what you're going to get. Politics is the meat and potatos of serious journalism and it's time for a little neighborhood politics.
I just got off the phone with honeymooning uber-toady Jostle_Lynn and she had some interesting news which is exclusive to the Broken Liver. If you follow my blogs as closely as you should you will recall that Jostle_Lynn wanted failed, but hunky, aldermanic candidate James Ginderske to dance at her bachlorette party. Well getting the brawny former union electrician was no problem as he's been a bit short of work ever since I did in his aldermanic campaign with my highly effective attack blogging. "Ol' Blue Eyes" showed up as Jostle_Lynn's bachlorette party in his union worker gear and started to perform a standard bump, grind and strip routine. He starts to get close to doing the fully monty. He rips off his tear away jeans to reveal little bikini underpants. Written on the pouch (which according to Jostle_Lynn provided ample advertising area) is the slogan "Ginderske For State Senate".
Yes! This is how "Ol' Blue Eyes" choose to announce his candidacy for the seat of departing state senator Carol Ronen. What a classy guy. No wonder no one voted for him for alderman. Many questions remain. How much power will Joey have in the state senate with his front boy sitting there? Will "Ol' Blue Eyes" show this blogger the deference which he deserves? How much involvement will my rival blogger and archenemy, Tomblogger Eastgard, have in his new campaign? Will Ginderske continue to campaign entirely by doing bachlorette parties or will he make an effort to reach a wider section of the community? Will my new BFF, Tomblogger Womannis, be disloyal and leave my side to return to the Ginderske camp? Will a new Ginderske campaign bring about a reconcillation between former campaign co-workers and now bitter enemies Tomblogger Eastgard and Tomblogger Womannis? Stay tuned to the pages of the Broken Liver in the coming weeks to find out the answers to these and other important questions.
I just got off the phone with honeymooning uber-toady Jostle_Lynn and she had some interesting news which is exclusive to the Broken Liver. If you follow my blogs as closely as you should you will recall that Jostle_Lynn wanted failed, but hunky, aldermanic candidate James Ginderske to dance at her bachlorette party. Well getting the brawny former union electrician was no problem as he's been a bit short of work ever since I did in his aldermanic campaign with my highly effective attack blogging. "Ol' Blue Eyes" showed up as Jostle_Lynn's bachlorette party in his union worker gear and started to perform a standard bump, grind and strip routine. He starts to get close to doing the fully monty. He rips off his tear away jeans to reveal little bikini underpants. Written on the pouch (which according to Jostle_Lynn provided ample advertising area) is the slogan "Ginderske For State Senate".
Yes! This is how "Ol' Blue Eyes" choose to announce his candidacy for the seat of departing state senator Carol Ronen. What a classy guy. No wonder no one voted for him for alderman. Many questions remain. How much power will Joey have in the state senate with his front boy sitting there? Will "Ol' Blue Eyes" show this blogger the deference which he deserves? How much involvement will my rival blogger and archenemy, Tomblogger Eastgard, have in his new campaign? Will Ginderske continue to campaign entirely by doing bachlorette parties or will he make an effort to reach a wider section of the community? Will my new BFF, Tomblogger Womannis, be disloyal and leave my side to return to the Ginderske camp? Will a new Ginderske campaign bring about a reconcillation between former campaign co-workers and now bitter enemies Tomblogger Eastgard and Tomblogger Womannis? Stay tuned to the pages of the Broken Liver in the coming weeks to find out the answers to these and other important questions.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Poop Scoop Updated Scoop
Ol' Eastie has been feeling a bit smug for the last few days. He thinks the pit bull poo has hit the fan and none of it has landed on him. He thinks he's Mr. Scott Free because Womannis has pictures of his pit bull taking a dump but no solid evidence that he walked away without scooping the poop. Well, it seems my archenemy and rival blogger didn't count on the dedication and commitment of Rogers Park's elite corp of bloggers. I've been keeping this a secret for the last couple of days because we had some research to do but we've got the goods on Tommyblogger.
Like I told you earlier, I put Womannis on Tommyblogger's tail this weekend. Womannis was a diligent spy. He didn't leave Tommyblogger's trail, not even for one second. He followed him anywhere he went. He spied through Tommyblogger's windows. Womannis now knows everything about Tommyblogger. He can even tell you the number of hairs Tommyblogger has on his ass. The 'Broken Liver' just might sponsor a contest.
One of the things we learned about Tommyblogger is that he's to PC to lock his door. He thinks doing so would be a sign of racial prejudice. He thinks if he did so he'd be saying all the little hoodlets lurking around his building are there to rob him as soon as he leaves. So, what Womannis did is wait until Tommyblogger left to spy on Sandy Duncan's "Ho Ho Ho -- Get the Ho's Off Howard" Christmas time rally. No doubt Tommyblogger was trying to spin this into some Vote For Don Gordon Nuremberg Rally. Womannis sneaks into Tommyblogger's apartment and spikes his pit bull food with a special chemical which we would later be able to detect in the dog's shit. We waited a day and went out into the filthy streets of Rogers Park collecting every dog turd we could find. Each sample was carefully tagged with a time and location. We spend two days doing this. We shoveled them into a large trash cart and brought them all back to my place.
Here's where the real work began. We had to wait until the frozen turds thawed before we could test them. Once thawed, we employed our special chemical process to find the one's that showed traces of the chemical that Womannis had placed in "Eastie's" pit bull food. Success happened quickly. No less than 43% of the shit sampled was found to have come from Tommyblogger's dog. Not only does Tommyblogger never clean up after his dog but let me tell you, that dog has some serious intestinal issues.
So Tommyblogger, no use trying to deny it. We've got irrefutable proof that you don't scoop your poop. I've got all the samples tagged and bagged and sitting in my freezer. I'm keeping them for future use. You just wait till the next Rogers Park Aldermanic election. This shit will really start flying.
Blognotes: Take a lesson from this. Anyone who stays in the Rogers Park blogosphere long enough ends up covered in shit.
Like I told you earlier, I put Womannis on Tommyblogger's tail this weekend. Womannis was a diligent spy. He didn't leave Tommyblogger's trail, not even for one second. He followed him anywhere he went. He spied through Tommyblogger's windows. Womannis now knows everything about Tommyblogger. He can even tell you the number of hairs Tommyblogger has on his ass. The 'Broken Liver' just might sponsor a contest.
One of the things we learned about Tommyblogger is that he's to PC to lock his door. He thinks doing so would be a sign of racial prejudice. He thinks if he did so he'd be saying all the little hoodlets lurking around his building are there to rob him as soon as he leaves. So, what Womannis did is wait until Tommyblogger left to spy on Sandy Duncan's "Ho Ho Ho -- Get the Ho's Off Howard" Christmas time rally. No doubt Tommyblogger was trying to spin this into some Vote For Don Gordon Nuremberg Rally. Womannis sneaks into Tommyblogger's apartment and spikes his pit bull food with a special chemical which we would later be able to detect in the dog's shit. We waited a day and went out into the filthy streets of Rogers Park collecting every dog turd we could find. Each sample was carefully tagged with a time and location. We spend two days doing this. We shoveled them into a large trash cart and brought them all back to my place.
Here's where the real work began. We had to wait until the frozen turds thawed before we could test them. Once thawed, we employed our special chemical process to find the one's that showed traces of the chemical that Womannis had placed in "Eastie's" pit bull food. Success happened quickly. No less than 43% of the shit sampled was found to have come from Tommyblogger's dog. Not only does Tommyblogger never clean up after his dog but let me tell you, that dog has some serious intestinal issues.
So Tommyblogger, no use trying to deny it. We've got irrefutable proof that you don't scoop your poop. I've got all the samples tagged and bagged and sitting in my freezer. I'm keeping them for future use. You just wait till the next Rogers Park Aldermanic election. This shit will really start flying.
Blognotes: Take a lesson from this. Anyone who stays in the Rogers Park blogosphere long enough ends up covered in shit.
Poop Scoop Scofflaw Outrages Rogers Park Residents
Every decent and sane person in Rogers Park is outraged by the activities of Poop Scoop Scofflaw, Tomblogger Eastgard. The internet almost crashed under the weight of outrage directed at Tommyblogger. Here's a few things people had to say.
Sandy Duncan wrote:
"So it's justifiable for storefront [Tomblogger Eastgard] to lurk (not participate) at neighborhood walks and give his skewed perceptions and sling his tirade of racist labels at people? More of the old 'do as I say but not as I do' mentality. That twit must think he's Tomblogger Womannis who heroically lurks around "peace" demonstrations in front of the Heartland Cafe and calls the fire department to extinguish their candle light vigils. Well Tommyblogger, you are not Womannis so its not acceptable! (If I was there you would see me shaking my finger at you)"
Jostle_Lynn wrote:
"Well, what have you got to say for yourself, you scofflaw? Don't tell me that Womannis is lying and you really did scoop your poop. A picture of your dog taking a dump is all the proof I require. Tomblogger Womannis is a person of unimpeachable credibility. Forget that incident last year where he stuffed flyers for Braig's 'Broken Liver' blog into the free newspapers and then accused Braig of stealing advertising. Womannis has seen the light, is now totally loyal to Braig and is therefore incapable of uttering anything that is untrue."
Some Alderman NoMooreFoieGras loving twit named Mark Fletcher came onto my other blog to accuse local hero Tomblogger Womannis of being a crazy stalker and to take him to task for not telling "Eastie" to pick up his shit. Look at the classy way that Womannis put that twit in his place:
"You're a real idiot. You asked, 'did Mannis not immediately challenge him? Why did he have to wait to post it on a blog?' In case you couldn't tell, I was across the street. Are you advocating running after people to challenge them to pick up after their dogs? And you have a problem with me posting a photo of a public figure breaking the law? You need to get your priorities straight, bozo."
I bet that stupid twit Fletcher is too stupid to realize that Womannis and Eastgard know each other from when they worked on the Ginderske campaign. Womannis could have easily called out across the street in a neighborly way but he didn't. Womannis has his priorities in the right place and knows that it is way more important to post a picture of Tommyblogger's pit bull taking a dump on his blog and claim it proves "Eastie" doesn't pick up his dog's shit.
Blognotes: Jostle_Lynn is on her honeymoon but is calling me up several times per day to shout "One! Two! Three! Four! Who is it that we adore! Braig! Braig! Braig!" Jostle_Lynn is delighted to be part of a wonderful caring community of bloggers like Sandy Duncan, Tomblogger Womannis and of course me! She thinks everyone else in the vast hell hole of Rogers Park is total scum.
Sandy Duncan wrote:
"So it's justifiable for storefront [Tomblogger Eastgard] to lurk (not participate) at neighborhood walks and give his skewed perceptions and sling his tirade of racist labels at people? More of the old 'do as I say but not as I do' mentality. That twit must think he's Tomblogger Womannis who heroically lurks around "peace" demonstrations in front of the Heartland Cafe and calls the fire department to extinguish their candle light vigils. Well Tommyblogger, you are not Womannis so its not acceptable! (If I was there you would see me shaking my finger at you)"
Jostle_Lynn wrote:
"Well, what have you got to say for yourself, you scofflaw? Don't tell me that Womannis is lying and you really did scoop your poop. A picture of your dog taking a dump is all the proof I require. Tomblogger Womannis is a person of unimpeachable credibility. Forget that incident last year where he stuffed flyers for Braig's 'Broken Liver' blog into the free newspapers and then accused Braig of stealing advertising. Womannis has seen the light, is now totally loyal to Braig and is therefore incapable of uttering anything that is untrue."
Some Alderman NoMooreFoieGras loving twit named Mark Fletcher came onto my other blog to accuse local hero Tomblogger Womannis of being a crazy stalker and to take him to task for not telling "Eastie" to pick up his shit. Look at the classy way that Womannis put that twit in his place:
"You're a real idiot. You asked, 'did Mannis not immediately challenge him? Why did he have to wait to post it on a blog?' In case you couldn't tell, I was across the street. Are you advocating running after people to challenge them to pick up after their dogs? And you have a problem with me posting a photo of a public figure breaking the law? You need to get your priorities straight, bozo."
I bet that stupid twit Fletcher is too stupid to realize that Womannis and Eastgard know each other from when they worked on the Ginderske campaign. Womannis could have easily called out across the street in a neighborly way but he didn't. Womannis has his priorities in the right place and knows that it is way more important to post a picture of Tommyblogger's pit bull taking a dump on his blog and claim it proves "Eastie" doesn't pick up his dog's shit.
Blognotes: Jostle_Lynn is on her honeymoon but is calling me up several times per day to shout "One! Two! Three! Four! Who is it that we adore! Braig! Braig! Braig!" Jostle_Lynn is delighted to be part of a wonderful caring community of bloggers like Sandy Duncan, Tomblogger Womannis and of course me! She thinks everyone else in the vast hell hole of Rogers Park is total scum.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Poop On The Parkways
Congratulations to my new BFF, Tomblogger Womannis who was a true hero this weekend.
My archenemy and rival blogger, loser divorced store front ambulance chaser Tomblogger Eastgard, thought we neighborhood bloggers would be a little less vigilant this weekend. He thought that we would all be away this weekend enjoying the Jostle_Lynn's wedding. He didn't count on Womannis.
I knew that "Eastie" would try and pull some shit this weekend so I dispatched my former worst enemy and new best friend to tail The Miserable Storefront Lawyer. Womannis was ultra-vigilant. He skipped Jostle_Lynn's wedding and instead kept after "Eastie" night and day. He followed him to the supermarket and recorded the contents in his shopping basket. He spied through Eastgard's windows. We now know that "Eastie" has hemorrhoids (he was seen purchasing Preparation H), is on the small size in the manhood department, and pees in the shower. Womannis even slept in the snow like a bum in front of Eastgard's doorway. Well, his dedication paid off. On Saturday morning Womannis caught "Eastie" letting his vicious pit bull take a dump on the parkway and not clean it up. He's even got pictures to prove it and posted them on his blog. I now have them on my other blog and you can see them there.
Now, some of you may be inclined to ask a few stupid questions. You may say "How does this prove 'Eastie' didn't pick up the pit bull poo? I see a picture of a defecating pit bull but it doesn't prove that it's owner didn't scoop the poop." You might ask something really idiotic like "I see poop on the parkway so someone is not cleaning up but how do I know it came from Tomblogger's pit bull?" Well, you idiots need to read and learn.
We Rogers Park Rage Bloggers are people of unimpeachable dedication and integrity. Last fall when a riot was tearing up Morse Avenue Womannis ventured into the frey to make one of Joe NoMooreFoieGras's goon squad (aka the Chicago Police Department) look foolish on camera. A couple of months ago when an email which was critical of us local bloggers and which claimed authorship of a fifth rate parody blog arrived in the inboxes of the local bloggers from one "Kelvin O" Womannis immediately "knew" that the message was from none other than Joey's stooge Kelvin O'Neil and quickly published the location and phone number of Kelvin's office so that his readers could harass Kelvin at work. If Womannis says "Eastie" didn't pick up the poop then he didn't pick up the poop.
Tomblogger Eastgard is a crazy psychopath who stalks us bloggers night and day. He reads our blogs at least 40 times an hour. He has no less than 1,536 blogs of his own all of which are dedicated to our activities. What a loser. This man needs to get a life and a pooper scooper.
My archenemy and rival blogger, loser divorced store front ambulance chaser Tomblogger Eastgard, thought we neighborhood bloggers would be a little less vigilant this weekend. He thought that we would all be away this weekend enjoying the Jostle_Lynn's wedding. He didn't count on Womannis.
I knew that "Eastie" would try and pull some shit this weekend so I dispatched my former worst enemy and new best friend to tail The Miserable Storefront Lawyer. Womannis was ultra-vigilant. He skipped Jostle_Lynn's wedding and instead kept after "Eastie" night and day. He followed him to the supermarket and recorded the contents in his shopping basket. He spied through Eastgard's windows. We now know that "Eastie" has hemorrhoids (he was seen purchasing Preparation H), is on the small size in the manhood department, and pees in the shower. Womannis even slept in the snow like a bum in front of Eastgard's doorway. Well, his dedication paid off. On Saturday morning Womannis caught "Eastie" letting his vicious pit bull take a dump on the parkway and not clean it up. He's even got pictures to prove it and posted them on his blog. I now have them on my other blog and you can see them there.
Now, some of you may be inclined to ask a few stupid questions. You may say "How does this prove 'Eastie' didn't pick up the pit bull poo? I see a picture of a defecating pit bull but it doesn't prove that it's owner didn't scoop the poop." You might ask something really idiotic like "I see poop on the parkway so someone is not cleaning up but how do I know it came from Tomblogger's pit bull?" Well, you idiots need to read and learn.
We Rogers Park Rage Bloggers are people of unimpeachable dedication and integrity. Last fall when a riot was tearing up Morse Avenue Womannis ventured into the frey to make one of Joe NoMooreFoieGras's goon squad (aka the Chicago Police Department) look foolish on camera. A couple of months ago when an email which was critical of us local bloggers and which claimed authorship of a fifth rate parody blog arrived in the inboxes of the local bloggers from one "Kelvin O" Womannis immediately "knew" that the message was from none other than Joey's stooge Kelvin O'Neil and quickly published the location and phone number of Kelvin's office so that his readers could harass Kelvin at work. If Womannis says "Eastie" didn't pick up the poop then he didn't pick up the poop.
Tomblogger Eastgard is a crazy psychopath who stalks us bloggers night and day. He reads our blogs at least 40 times an hour. He has no less than 1,536 blogs of his own all of which are dedicated to our activities. What a loser. This man needs to get a life and a pooper scooper.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
A Message To The Anonymous Cowardly Attackers
This is addressed to all of you who have attacked me and my family on this blog and my other blog and on your own blogs. You're all cowards.
You see, it's all right for me, but not you, to make personal attacks on other people and on their families. I'm a Rogers Park blogger and that is what I do. Remember back in the fall of 2006 when Don Gordon was first running for alderman? This was before I decided I liked him. I attacked him. I attacked his nasty skanky daughter. This is perfectly acceptable. He made himself into a public figure so he and his family are fair game. I and my family are not.
It is all right for me to quote from other blogs without giving them a link when I can take quotes out of context and when I need to hide the fact that the blog I am quoting from is a parody blog which mocks me mercilessly. I don't know who's writing the parody blog in question so it is impossible for me to post a link because it just is. If anyone used my blog in a similar way they would be a dishonest coward. I am not because I cannot be a coward as I am a heroic crotchocross racer.
My loyal toady Jostle_Lynn is also not a fair target. She is my number one fan. Right now she is in my condo, wearing her old high school cheerleader outfit, cheering me on as I blog. Attacking her is the same as attacking me so it is wrong.
I have been called the neighborhood drunk. I am not a drunk. I spend the majority of each day at the Oasis because it is my duty to tell the patrons what a vile slum Rogers Park is and what a corrupt, incompetent hack Joe NoMooreFoieGras is. When I have a few drinks there it is because the patrons need to feel I am one of them if my message is to sink in. I am making a big sacrifice by spending the day at the Oasis.
It is ridiculous that I have to waste blog time saying this when Rogers Park, the worst slum in the entire universe, is in the grip of a slumlords and corrupt Christmas hating politicians. For those of you who have devoted your life to obsessing about me and my blog, why don't you get a life and start obsessing about Joe NoMooreFoieGras and Rogers Park.
You see, it's all right for me, but not you, to make personal attacks on other people and on their families. I'm a Rogers Park blogger and that is what I do. Remember back in the fall of 2006 when Don Gordon was first running for alderman? This was before I decided I liked him. I attacked him. I attacked his nasty skanky daughter. This is perfectly acceptable. He made himself into a public figure so he and his family are fair game. I and my family are not.
It is all right for me to quote from other blogs without giving them a link when I can take quotes out of context and when I need to hide the fact that the blog I am quoting from is a parody blog which mocks me mercilessly. I don't know who's writing the parody blog in question so it is impossible for me to post a link because it just is. If anyone used my blog in a similar way they would be a dishonest coward. I am not because I cannot be a coward as I am a heroic crotchocross racer.
My loyal toady Jostle_Lynn is also not a fair target. She is my number one fan. Right now she is in my condo, wearing her old high school cheerleader outfit, cheering me on as I blog. Attacking her is the same as attacking me so it is wrong.
I have been called the neighborhood drunk. I am not a drunk. I spend the majority of each day at the Oasis because it is my duty to tell the patrons what a vile slum Rogers Park is and what a corrupt, incompetent hack Joe NoMooreFoieGras is. When I have a few drinks there it is because the patrons need to feel I am one of them if my message is to sink in. I am making a big sacrifice by spending the day at the Oasis.
It is ridiculous that I have to waste blog time saying this when Rogers Park, the worst slum in the entire universe, is in the grip of a slumlords and corrupt Christmas hating politicians. For those of you who have devoted your life to obsessing about me and my blog, why don't you get a life and start obsessing about Joe NoMooreFoieGras and Rogers Park.
Aunt Jan Declares War On Christmas
Take a look at the resolution Joe NoMooreFoieGras's gal Jan Schakowsky had the nerve to vote against. http://illinoisreview.typepad.com/illinoisreview/2007/12/schakowsky-diss.html. This is an outrage. The fact that a friend of Joey's is against this resolution means it's a good thing that we should all support. Yea, I know the backers of this resolution think the readership of my Hay Chicago magazine should all be put to death. I don't care. What I care about is getting back at Alderman NoMooreFoieGras and his friends so I am going to stir up outrage in anyway that I can. The Fox News Channel is right! There is a war on Christmas and people like Jan Schakowsky are behind it. If you voted for her you are one sick puppy.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
It's Official -- Tomblogger Eastgard Is Insane
If you had any doubts as to the sanity of my rival blogger and archenemy, Tomblogger Eastgard, look at this crazy rant he emailed me.
Braig,
I didn't know it was possible but you have just hit a new low with your blogging. I see that you have a new rant on your blog about crime in Rogers Park and part of it is a quote taken from another blog stating that Rogers Park is a very dangerous neighborhood and that anyone who doesn't live here is advised to not come here [see my other blog to find out what this idiot is talking about]. You fail to provide your readers with a link to the blog from which the quote comes. When a reader specifically asks you for the source you pompously state that it is not your job to promote other blogs.
For your sake I guess it is a good thing that you did not provide your reader with the requested link as the reader would have seen that you have taken the quote out of context. The quote comes from a parody blog which is making fun of you and your penchant for hysteria. If you read the entire blog entry you get a very different sense of the author's opinion of you and of Rogers Park. You fancy yourself to be a journalist but your tactics are nothing but the worst sort of tabloid journalism. I don't know how you can show your face in public knowing how many people in the neighborhood are laughing at your buffoonery.
The author of this parody blog clearly doesn't take their work too seriously. She or he seems to be doing nothing more than indulging in a practice exercise in creative writing with the ample material you provide. There is no doubt in my mind that the author of the parody blog is delighted that you continue to maintain your silly blog as each day you provide her or him with more fodder for mockery. You think you are an heroic crusader but this person regards you as nothing more than a drunken idiot. The author clearly thinks that Rogers Park is not the hell hole that you portray it as being but a pretty nice place to call home.
I, however, am not the author of this parody blog and I think you are pretty appalling. In light of the tactics you have shown I don't see how anyone can give you any credibility. Your loyal readers -- Phughy, Sandy Duncan, Shrill Morton, Stinkjar, Proartillary, Laura Loserzader, Tomblogger Womannis, Jostle_Lynn -- they all blindly follow your lead and by doing so make themselves look even more stupid than you. What a pathetic joke you all are. I for one would be happy to see the last of you.
Sincerely,
Tomblogger Eastgard
Attorney at Law
Can you believe this crazy idiot? This just goes to show you what Joe NoMooreFoieGras's minions are like. Well Tommyblogger, I got news for you. While you're sitting in your miserable storefront office hoping to actually get a single client before the year is out and writing that blog of yours that no one reads, I am going to switch on my police scanner, jot down a few crime calls that I will turn into sensationalist blog entries that will be read by my billions of loyal readers all over the world. Then, with my work done for the day I am heading down to the Oasis. You ask yourself, who is more of a man. Me or you?
Laura Loserzader Is Smart
The people who read my blogs are the smartest people in Rogers Park (I'll leave it to you to draw your own conclusions about why this is true). If you are stupid enough to doubt what I am saying read this quote that fanatically loyal reader Laura Loserzader (aka Polar Coast) left on my other blog. "The interesting thing is that the presence of the institution [Loyola University] predeates the ruin of the neighborhood often by many decades. Loyola has been here since 1878."
See what a smart urbanist one of my readers is. Polar Coast shows that Rogers Park is the worst slum in the entire universe because Loyola University was opened here in 1878. We all know that slum boss Joe NoMooreFoieGras is responsible for all our problems ranging from the poo in the Morse Avenue el station to the fact that Tomblogger Womannis hasn't had a date since the Carter administration. But how did Rogers Park first get a slum boss like Joey? Because its a slum. Why is Rogers Park a slum? Because Loyola University is located here. We've been doomed since 1878. Me and my loyal readers demand that our Alderman close down Loyola University and plow its campus into the lake.
See how intelligent the people who read my blogs are? I think there's a connection between intelligence and taking me seriously.
See what a smart urbanist one of my readers is. Polar Coast shows that Rogers Park is the worst slum in the entire universe because Loyola University was opened here in 1878. We all know that slum boss Joe NoMooreFoieGras is responsible for all our problems ranging from the poo in the Morse Avenue el station to the fact that Tomblogger Womannis hasn't had a date since the Carter administration. But how did Rogers Park first get a slum boss like Joey? Because its a slum. Why is Rogers Park a slum? Because Loyola University is located here. We've been doomed since 1878. Me and my loyal readers demand that our Alderman close down Loyola University and plow its campus into the lake.
See how intelligent the people who read my blogs are? I think there's a connection between intelligence and taking me seriously.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Hate The Haters -- Special Message From Jostle_Lynn
Here is a special message from uber-loyal reader Jostle_Lynn
Dear Braig,
I know I said I wasn't going to blog anymore but I'm sitting here on a dreary Sunday afternoon in my miserable two flat in the midst of the hell hole that is Rogers Park with nothing to do. That lunkhead Steve is sitting in front of ESPN clad in just his boxers, scratching his fat hairy belly. I really hate that guy. I can't wait till we're married so I can throw the divorce papers in his face.
I've got to tell you how much I like the t-shirts you are selling on your other blog. "I was Shot in Rogers Park and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt" and "I Got Gooned In Rogers Park". That shows so much love, compassion and caring for the community. That is, ironically, what has got me down.
We bloggers are so dedicated to our community. We blog and blog, morning, noon and night, telling the world what a horrid place Rogers Park is and what do we get in return? A bunch of nasty trolls leaving anonymous derisive comments and starting parody blogs. The cowards won't even use their real names. They think that just because you post anonymous messages sent to you talking about what a hell hole Rogers Park is that it is acceptable for people who think the neighborhood isn't such a bad place to do the same. Well, it's not.
I am sick and tired of their hate. I am sick and tired of people who think that "I was Shot in Rogers Park" isn't something that we should be saying. My message to the haters is that if you think you're so wonderful why don't you be like Braig and instead of working for a living spend your days blogging. And by the way, go jump off Pratt Pier.
Love,
Jostle_Lynn
Dear Braig,
I know I said I wasn't going to blog anymore but I'm sitting here on a dreary Sunday afternoon in my miserable two flat in the midst of the hell hole that is Rogers Park with nothing to do. That lunkhead Steve is sitting in front of ESPN clad in just his boxers, scratching his fat hairy belly. I really hate that guy. I can't wait till we're married so I can throw the divorce papers in his face.
I've got to tell you how much I like the t-shirts you are selling on your other blog. "I was Shot in Rogers Park and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt" and "I Got Gooned In Rogers Park". That shows so much love, compassion and caring for the community. That is, ironically, what has got me down.
We bloggers are so dedicated to our community. We blog and blog, morning, noon and night, telling the world what a horrid place Rogers Park is and what do we get in return? A bunch of nasty trolls leaving anonymous derisive comments and starting parody blogs. The cowards won't even use their real names. They think that just because you post anonymous messages sent to you talking about what a hell hole Rogers Park is that it is acceptable for people who think the neighborhood isn't such a bad place to do the same. Well, it's not.
I am sick and tired of their hate. I am sick and tired of people who think that "I was Shot in Rogers Park" isn't something that we should be saying. My message to the haters is that if you think you're so wonderful why don't you be like Braig and instead of working for a living spend your days blogging. And by the way, go jump off Pratt Pier.
Love,
Jostle_Lynn
Be Afraid -- Be Very Afraid
Local tough guy Tomblogger Womannis has posted a new picture on his blog which shows what a violent, dangerous place Rogers Park is. The picture is of a crude handwritten sign stating that the author was the victim of an armed robbery. The sign gives no details about the incident or anything about the author's identity. Tomblogger has unimpeachable credibility so if he posted this picture on his blog you know it means something. Joe NoMooreFoieGras keeps saying "crime is down". This sign proves that not only is crime not down but it is soaring to astrological levels. I know all about crime in Rogers Park. I have a police scanner and all I ever hear on it are calls about crimes. Make no mistake, this is a very, very bad neighborhood.
I'm the toughest SOB on the planet and I tremble with fear every time I walk the mean streets of the hell hole. Tomblogger Womannis is the second toughest SOB on the planet and he trembles with fear too. Hell, early this morning when we were walking home from the Oasis you could smell the consequences of his fear. "I'd like to see some pussy ass liberal walk around this 'hood. They wouldn't last three seconds." said Tomblogger. Shrill Morton now never leaves home without his gun and his leather gloves. Uber-loyal reader Jostle_Lynn can't rent out the second floor of her two flat. Jostle_Lynn told the Broken Liver "Lots of people come to see my rental apartment. They think its pretty nice. When they ask what the neighborhood is like I tell them to read your blogs as they are the best source of information about Rogers Park. None of them come back with a completed rental application. It's all the Alderman's fault."
Make no mistake. It is not safe to be in the streets of Rogers Park. If you don't live here don't come here. If you are a big enough loser to live here then don't leave your squalid little apartment. Stay inside and stay tuned to my blogs. I'll tell you everything you need to know. To quote Tomblogger Womannis -- "Nice Neighborhood -- NOT!"
I'm the toughest SOB on the planet and I tremble with fear every time I walk the mean streets of the hell hole. Tomblogger Womannis is the second toughest SOB on the planet and he trembles with fear too. Hell, early this morning when we were walking home from the Oasis you could smell the consequences of his fear. "I'd like to see some pussy ass liberal walk around this 'hood. They wouldn't last three seconds." said Tomblogger. Shrill Morton now never leaves home without his gun and his leather gloves. Uber-loyal reader Jostle_Lynn can't rent out the second floor of her two flat. Jostle_Lynn told the Broken Liver "Lots of people come to see my rental apartment. They think its pretty nice. When they ask what the neighborhood is like I tell them to read your blogs as they are the best source of information about Rogers Park. None of them come back with a completed rental application. It's all the Alderman's fault."
Make no mistake. It is not safe to be in the streets of Rogers Park. If you don't live here don't come here. If you are a big enough loser to live here then don't leave your squalid little apartment. Stay inside and stay tuned to my blogs. I'll tell you everything you need to know. To quote Tomblogger Womannis -- "Nice Neighborhood -- NOT!"
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Up And Up
My blogs continue to attract more and more readers. The number of page hits is at an all time high and growing every day. The number and quality of comments left by loyal readers continues to grow. Readers from all over the world tune into this blog and my other blog every day to find out what a hell hole Rogers Park is and how inept Alderman NoMooreFoieGras is.
Now some of you dorks are going to try and toss back at me previous statements I made about how I was thinking of giving up blogging because the number of page hits and comments were down. Well, you're idiots. The statistics speak for themselves.
One thing holds true, I have better things to do then write a neighborhood blog and fixing the Hay Chicago magazine website is not one of them. The Oasis bar is open far more hours than I spend there. I could be there right how sharing a few with Tomblogger Womannis and Shrill Morton but instead I am at home writing this and listening to my police scanner for more routine calls which I can hysterically report on my blog.
So, you all better be kissing my big stinky butt. Uber-loyal reader Jostle_Lynn had declared she was retiring her own blog but came back on-line real fast when she just couldn't resist the temptation to tell the world how wonderful I am. Jostle_Lynn is a model Rogers Park citizen. Everyone should act like Jostle_Lynn. With people like her in the world I never have to buy toilet paper.
Now some of you dorks are going to try and toss back at me previous statements I made about how I was thinking of giving up blogging because the number of page hits and comments were down. Well, you're idiots. The statistics speak for themselves.
One thing holds true, I have better things to do then write a neighborhood blog and fixing the Hay Chicago magazine website is not one of them. The Oasis bar is open far more hours than I spend there. I could be there right how sharing a few with Tomblogger Womannis and Shrill Morton but instead I am at home writing this and listening to my police scanner for more routine calls which I can hysterically report on my blog.
So, you all better be kissing my big stinky butt. Uber-loyal reader Jostle_Lynn had declared she was retiring her own blog but came back on-line real fast when she just couldn't resist the temptation to tell the world how wonderful I am. Jostle_Lynn is a model Rogers Park citizen. Everyone should act like Jostle_Lynn. With people like her in the world I never have to buy toilet paper.
Friday, December 7, 2007
Loyal Blog Reader Invents New Way To Punish Property Owners Who Don't Clear Sidewalks
This just in from a loyal blog reader.
Hey Braig,
Since the snow came I've noticed that not all property owners in Rogers Park shovel the snow off their sidewalks. Well, I'm going to get them for that. I've got a very large dog and and I am going to start walking him around the property of these delinquents, encouraging him to do his "duty" and I am not going to pick it up (not that I ever do). Then when the little hoodlets walk by on their way to sling crack on the street corners they'll slip on the ice and land in half frozen piles of poo. They'll get real mad at the property owners and lay waste to their property and and their persons. That will show them. Plus, you'll be able to blog about how crime is up in Rogers Park.
Your loyal fan,
Happy Hoofer
See what wonderful, intelligent, caring people read my blog? If you have a high quality blog like I do you attract high quality readers. I challenge anyone to argue otherwise.
Hey Braig,
Since the snow came I've noticed that not all property owners in Rogers Park shovel the snow off their sidewalks. Well, I'm going to get them for that. I've got a very large dog and and I am going to start walking him around the property of these delinquents, encouraging him to do his "duty" and I am not going to pick it up (not that I ever do). Then when the little hoodlets walk by on their way to sling crack on the street corners they'll slip on the ice and land in half frozen piles of poo. They'll get real mad at the property owners and lay waste to their property and and their persons. That will show them. Plus, you'll be able to blog about how crime is up in Rogers Park.
Your loyal fan,
Happy Hoofer
See what wonderful, intelligent, caring people read my blog? If you have a high quality blog like I do you attract high quality readers. I challenge anyone to argue otherwise.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Desperate Conditions In Rogers Park Force Residents To Panhandle
Joe NoMooreFoieGras's neglect of his ward is forcing residents to beg for money. Rogers Park residents have been seen lurking around Chicago's bustling commercial districts asking for spare change, hoping to accumulate sufficient funds to move out of the Hell Hole. Well, we Rogers Park bloggers are smarter than the average citizen and we've found new ways to beg for money.
If you're a regular reader of my other blog you're going to be familiar with uber-loyal fan Polar Coast, aka Laura Looserzader. Polar Coast is supposed to have a job but instead of working she spends her work days on my blog posting lengthy comments which I like getting because it gives my blog some credibility. I also like her because she hates Rogers Park as much as I do. She spends lots of time talking about how it is her dream to save enough money to move to the paradise that is Mary Ann Smith's ward of Edgewater.
Some people, like that nasty mutt Toto, might be tempted to post comments saying that Laura should stop reading my blog and get back to work if she wants to earn enough money to move to a decent neighborhood. Well, you suck Toto. It is the duty of each and every resident of Rogers Park to read my blogs every day and to post lots of comments on my blogs telling me how great I am. Laura (aka Polar Coast) is faithfully executing her duty.
But Laura is a smart cookie and has found a way to earn the money for that long dreamed about move to Edgewater. Like the rest of the residents of Rogers Park she is panhandling but she has taken her begging high tech. Like everyone who is anyone in Rogers Park, she has a blog. She hasn't posted anything in months (why should she? Anything worth reading is written by me) but she has put up a request for donations to move to Edgewater. Visit Polar Coast's blog and help get her the hell out of here http://thenorthcoast.blogspot.com/.
If you're a regular reader of my other blog you're going to be familiar with uber-loyal fan Polar Coast, aka Laura Looserzader. Polar Coast is supposed to have a job but instead of working she spends her work days on my blog posting lengthy comments which I like getting because it gives my blog some credibility. I also like her because she hates Rogers Park as much as I do. She spends lots of time talking about how it is her dream to save enough money to move to the paradise that is Mary Ann Smith's ward of Edgewater.
Some people, like that nasty mutt Toto, might be tempted to post comments saying that Laura should stop reading my blog and get back to work if she wants to earn enough money to move to a decent neighborhood. Well, you suck Toto. It is the duty of each and every resident of Rogers Park to read my blogs every day and to post lots of comments on my blogs telling me how great I am. Laura (aka Polar Coast) is faithfully executing her duty.
But Laura is a smart cookie and has found a way to earn the money for that long dreamed about move to Edgewater. Like the rest of the residents of Rogers Park she is panhandling but she has taken her begging high tech. Like everyone who is anyone in Rogers Park, she has a blog. She hasn't posted anything in months (why should she? Anything worth reading is written by me) but she has put up a request for donations to move to Edgewater. Visit Polar Coast's blog and help get her the hell out of here http://thenorthcoast.blogspot.com/.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Watch Out Hommies! Shrill Has Got A Gun
Pay attention hommies, hoodlets and bangers. Your days are numbered. Our own Shrill Morton has got a gun.
Check out my other blog. I've got a great picture of Shrill proudly showing off his new gun. What a man. You may think Shrill Morton is a total loser. He "works" for Jonny Quest Network Services, a company which specializes in showing the residents of Rogers Park how to turn on their computers and read my blog. When he's not taking pictures of lazy city laborers who share his work ethic his "work" day consists of walking around sticking advertising cards on all of the abandoned, stolen or about to be repo'd cars which litter the mean streets of Rogers Park. Despite all his efforts (or lack thereof) he can't afford a better neighborhood than Rogers Park. Shrill is an angry and bitter person. I know him well . We're regular drinking buddies at the Oasis.
Well, Shrill is feeling a bit better about himself. He now has a gun, some cool leather gloves and a picture on my other blog. Way to go Shrill!
Check out my other blog. I've got a great picture of Shrill proudly showing off his new gun. What a man. You may think Shrill Morton is a total loser. He "works" for Jonny Quest Network Services, a company which specializes in showing the residents of Rogers Park how to turn on their computers and read my blog. When he's not taking pictures of lazy city laborers who share his work ethic his "work" day consists of walking around sticking advertising cards on all of the abandoned, stolen or about to be repo'd cars which litter the mean streets of Rogers Park. Despite all his efforts (or lack thereof) he can't afford a better neighborhood than Rogers Park. Shrill is an angry and bitter person. I know him well . We're regular drinking buddies at the Oasis.
Well, Shrill is feeling a bit better about himself. He now has a gun, some cool leather gloves and a picture on my other blog. Way to go Shrill!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)